"AITA for telling my sister her baby isn’t 'advanced?'"
My sister had her first baby about a year ago, and ever since then, everything her child does is apparently genius-level. I get that she’s excited. I really do love my niece with all my heart. But it’s become constant.If the baby claps, she says it’s early development. If the baby says “mama,” she says most babies don’t talk that clearly yet.
If the baby stacks two blocks, she says she might have a future engineer. She’s even hinted a few times that her pediatrician is “very impressed,” which I honestly think is just normal doctor politeness. At family gatherings, she’ll ask things like, “Did your kids do this this early?” or “Isn’t she so advanced?”
It’s always framed like a question, but it feels like she’s fishing for validation that her child is ahead. The other day at dinner she was going on about how her baby is definitely gifted because she recognizes animals in a book. I laughed and said, she’s a normal baby. You’re just biased because she’s yours.
My sister got visibly upset and said I was being dismissive and negative. She later texted me saying I embarrassed her and that as her sister I should hype her up instead of minimizing her child. I honestly didn’t mean it cruelly. I just think every parent thinks their kid is exceptional, and it gets exhausting hearing constant comparisons. I wasn’t attacking the baby, just the narrative.
I've already apologized to her, and she seems fine, but I know my sister, and I can tell she's still a bit upset.
AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
coastalkid92 wrote:
NAH. Your sister is in the thick of child development so for her, its a foreground thought. Lots of people worry about their kiddos not hitting development milestones on time, and sometimes seeing your kid reach them ahead is a big relief. Your sister 100% is seeking comfort and validation when asking these kinds of questions.
On your end, your niece is a baby doing baby things. It probably doesn't feel important to you because she's hitting the milestones she's supposed to. But because you're not invested in development the same way her parent is, its easy to be dismissive. You've apologized which was the right move and it might take a moment for your sister to shake feeling like she's being embarrassing.
Juggernautonly695 wrote:
YTA. If you’re going to call someone out for the common belief/desire for their child to be special at least come with facts. Present actual milestones compared to your niece’s accomplishments. Is it good that she’s starting to talk about a year? Yes. Is it unheard of no, but it’s also early so don’t rain on your sister’s parade just because you have a feeling.
FoxyOcelot wrote:
I mean you were right, and it is boring to listen to. It's also boring to have a baby and people are often desperate for a glimmer of hope that it will stop being a potato that cries and shits. That said, if she told you her baby was the most beautiful one ever, I hope you wouldn't say, 'Nah, she's pretty average really.'
Best thing here is to just go for the noncommittal. Mmmm. Such a lovely girl! What a cutie! You don't have to agree the kid is Einstein, but you don't have to disagree either. This too will pass.
wanderingstorm wrote:
Ehhhh NTA. Yeah maybe it wasn't the best thing for you to say but it's probably something your sister needed to hear a few times. Yes, I'm sure she's super excited about her child and but this sort of "my baby is gifted/advanced/a genius" can very easily shift into the type of parenting that can hurt the child in the long run.
That "my child is perfect" mentality. Children develop at different levels and speeds and it doesn't necessarily mean that one is "behind" or one is "gifted."
International-Fee255 wrote:
NAH. Look it's INCREDIBLY annoying when people think their kids are "super extra more better" than other kids. But it also sounds like your sister is super extra more anxious than she needs to be about her baby's development. She's anxious and looking for validation that her kid is actually doing ok. I have a kid who's an adult now and a toddler, the difference in expectations and focus on milestones is crazy.
It's a huge micro focus on every single movement your baby makes and comparison to others and seeing other babies on social media and every other mother she meets saying how amazing their baby is.
Maybe ask your sister about her day-to-day with baby and what kind of activities she does with baby and check out what milestones she reached. It's also worth noting my toddler was way ahead of my two friends babies when it came to listening and focus but was almost a year behind them both with walking, so all kids are different.
Caseythealien wrote:
Tell her the truth you adore the baby but her seeking constant validation that her child is exceptional is exhausting. That she should get a hold of it now because as her child grows that can easily become pressure to never fail and always be exceptional which no child can deliver or result in her kid being a narcissist.
EvilSockLady wrote:
I'll go against the grain...NAH. She's a new mom that's proud of her kid. She's gonna gush about her kid. It's very normal. There's also always the chance the kid is doing things early. Her pediatrician may not be blowing smoke and unless you're an expert on childhood development you don't necessarily know.
I thought my kid was doing stuff awfully early so was always looking at milestone stats and asking our pediatrician so I did sorta know what I was talking about (and IQ test at 8 proved child is exceptionally gifted) so maybe she does too. And if she doesn't...it doesn't hurt anything. She's proud of her kid. Parents like to brag on their kids (see my example). Whatevs.
And it also tracks you'd be tired of hearing about it. Though you may have been just a tinge harsh. Just gotta work on your changing-the-subject and nodding-and-smiling skills for another year or two. Then the kid may actually be more interesting at that point (or she'll keep eating dog food and using her diaper as a hat and her mom will stop telling people she's gifted).
TheSuperAlly wrote:
I mean, was it worth crushing your sister's excitement over her child? Yeah she probably is still upset and likely won’t speak to you about her excitement anymore so I guess you got what you wanted?
Mildly YTA because she’s literally just excited and proud about her child’s progression, when the kid gets older, it will be become clear whether the child is gifted or not. Sometimes it’s best to let people enjoy things, especially their first child. “I’m just honest” no, you killed someone’s excitement and embarrassed them for no reason. What has been gained from what you said?