'AITA for telling my sister that our parents don’t have to agree with her relationship?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my sister that our parents don’t have to agree with her relationship?"

My (21F) sister isn’t accepted by my (29M) parents for being gay. For some context: My little sister is a lesbian. Our family does not support her decisions, but I don’t give a f**k who she sleeps with. When she came out she was distanced from the family, but we started talking again after finding out our father is dying.*

After things in the family being rocky for a long time we decided to all get together at my parents house. My dad said he wanted to put all of the drama and bickering aside, and if we have a problem with each other we can wait until he passes. Everyone agrees, including my sister, so I was expecting to have a nice family BBQ.

My family wanted to meet my sister’s girlfriend, and insisted that she brought her over. We were all excited to meet her. My sister’s girlfriend seemed like a nice girl, but she was very stand off-ish. She kept to herself, and didn’t speak much to my parents and me. For the most part she was glued to my sister. This caused some awkward silence. I started asking about their relationship.

How did they meet, how long have they been together, and I even joked around about if she hurt my sister blah blah blah. My parents started acting stranger by each question. I asked my mom what was wrong, and her response was:

“This isn’t right.”

I could tell my sister and her girlfriend were uncomfortable, and my dad tried to calm my mom down. My sister, probably fed up with being treated like s**t for the last few years, spoke up and asked my parents what was the point of inviting them if she wasn’t going to be okay with seeing them together.

This caused my mother to explode with anger because she felt like my sister was being disrespectful. My mother goes onto say a lot of other things (that I’m not going to say because I will be banned 😅).

My sister started to cry and hyperventilate. Her girlfriend starts to comfort her and tries to get her to calm down, and this causes my mom to tell her that “if you’re going to be dramatic and act like a child, you need to leave. You’re upsetting your father.” Before my sister could respond her girlfriend is grabbing their things and taking my sister to the car.

I tried to rationalize this whole situation with my parents, they were no use. They thought she was putting on a show in front of her girlfriend to make them look bad. They proceeded to say that they’re allowed to be uncomfortable, and feel differently than her. I explained to them that this is who she loves.

No one has to agree with it, but we should still love her. I’ve tried talking to my sister about the whole situation, and apparently I defend our parents too much. I told her that our parents don’t have to agree with her relationship, but they should. She told me that I’m being an AH for expecting her to pretend it’s be someone else just because our dad is passing. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

anonymool wrote:

NTA Have you considered getting lost at sea for about thirty years so you don't have to talk to your family anymore? Seems like the best solution to me.

OP responded:

I’m sure after my father passes we will go no contact with my sister again. 😅 Everything was okay until she came back around. I support her relationship and wish her the best, but I can’t change the way our parents see her.

BishopGodDamnYou wrote:

INFO: Can you tell us all the horrible stuff your mom said? Because if it’s as bigoted and vicious as I think it is you’re DEFINITELY TA for not defending her. They set a trap and she walked right into it. DEFEND YOUR SISTER.

OP responded:

I don’t think saying what she said would do any justice. It’s probably just as vicious as you think, even more if I’m being honest. I should have defended my sister instead of trying to keep the peace with our parents, and I see that very clearly now.

StrangledInMoonlight wrote:

Dude. When you go around known bigots, you warn any LGBTQ+ people, so they aren’t blindsided, and can not attend if they can’t handle bigotry, and can harden their hearts against the cruelty they will experience.

Your parents would have been jerks even if she hadn’t been stand off ish. Because they are bigots. Your sister didn’t start “drama." She prepared her GF accordingly. Just like you’d prepare your dates if your dad like to pinch you Gf’s butts. That’s what you do.

OP responded:

First of all, my dad wouldn’t do that.Second, I understand her telling her girlfriend don’t accept her before coming. I’m sure she’s known for a while. It’s just hard for me to believe that all the drama with the hyperventilating and sobbing was real. Especially if she’s known for years that our parents feel this way.

If the situation is so bad, why put yourself through it? I’m starting to agree that maybe it was for attention because why else would she be so eager to argue with our mom about her sexuality? I don’t get it. I genuinely am starting to believe that she put on a show for her girlfriend and her girlfriend fell for it.

ka-ka-ka-katie1123 wrote:

Your mother said such horrible things to your sister and her girlfriend that you can’t type them out, and you think your sister was faking being upset about that?

OP responded:

I think the hyperventilating and sobbing was ver dramatic. I understand her being upset for sure, but my dad didn’t deserve the drama.

XX_bot77 wrote:

Your sister deserved the insults?

OP responded:

Not at all. I don’t agree with my parent’s opinions, but I do think it’s uncomfortable to have to sit in silence for two minutes watching your sister cry and her girlfriend (a stranger) whisper sweet nothings to her. All while my mother is still angry and my dad is upset.

nbrookus wrote:

Oh well, you were *uncomfortable* for 2 minutes. That makes it all different. Your sister, who has endured a lifetime of abuse from her family, had an emotional breakdown and the only one who came to her aid was her girlfriend. Not you, of course, because just watching it was so uncomfortable. YTA.

OP responded:

I understand and emphasize that this has been hard for her. I don’t think she deserves to feel bombarded for her sexuality. I’m very happy for her that she’s in, what seems to be, a healthy relationship with another loving woman. Her girlfriend comforting wasn't the problem. It was the timing, and taking her away from our family only made it worse.

Her and her girlfriend made my father’s (probably last) family event about them and my sister feeling excluded. if you have never lost a parent you won’t understand how frustrating this is. I really hope my sister heals either way, and finds a way to manage her “panic attacks.”

The next day OP shared an update.

After receiving so much backlash from this post, I realized that I wasn’t completely innocent in this situation. I called my sister to apologize and try to talk through things. I told her about the post I made (despite wanting to keep this away from my family), and said that a lot of people explained to my how I’m being harmful and hurting her.

I wanted her to see that I’m talking to (some) people who have been in a similar situation to her, and I thought she would see this as a sign that I’m trying for her. She got really upset that I didn’t come to her instead of the internet, but I told her I felt like I had no other choice. Our parents wouldn’t listen to me, she wouldn’t listen to me, and the only people who have are strangers online.

I explained that I got a lot of advice on how I can support her from other people apart of her community. My sister told me that I had no right to talk about her business online without consulting her..even if it’s anonymous. She wanted to see the post.

I assume that she saw some of my comments I made when I was being defensive and immature, and in hind sight I should have deleted them before agreeing to send her the post.

She started to cry and told me that we’ve always made her feel like a burden on our family for things that she can’t help (being lesbian, having a panic disorder, and some other things that I won’t share out of respect for her). She went onto say some other things, but they were hard to understand.

I apologized for making her uncomfortable and making her feel like a burden. I also told her that I love her and nothing will change that. Before I had the chance to say more her girlfriend took the phone, and told me that I needed to leave my sister alone.

She said that I can’t contact my sister until she’s ready to talk to me. Then she hung up. It was really heartbreaking to hear my sister cry over something that I had good intentions for. I texted her privately and asked if she wanted me to take the post down, and she told me that she doesn’t care, she just wants to be left alone.

The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.

grissy wrote:

"I assume that she saw some of my comments I made when I was being defensive and immature, and in hind sight I should have deleted them before agreeing to send her the post."

Those comments were absolutely vile, but I think it’s best that you don’t delete them so you don’t forget exactly how backwards your thinking was. I don’t blame your sister for being incredibly hurt by them. Hopefully she continues reading and sees that you’ve started trying to be better.

[deleted] wrote:

"I also told her that I love her and nothing will change that."

So? Why do you think your "love" is worthwhile? See, I got this from my brothers. After my long estrangement from our parents, I contacted them when I saw my father's obit.

They offered me their love and told me they'd always consider me their sister, like that was so valuable. And at that point it's like a stranger telling me they'll always love me. Why would I care? Why would they think their feelings, their idea of family, their love, was something I even wanted? She's seen what your love is worth. You think you are offering gold, but to her it's lead.

2binge wrote:

"She got really upset that I didn’t come to her instead of the internet, but I told her I felt like I had no other choice."

She's not wrong for being upset about this. While AITA can provide some reflection about your actions, it's your sister who deserved this conversation and not anonymous strangers.

I can imagine now she feels all sorts of unpleasant things ranging from embarrassment at her life being exposed this way to reading your earlier comments on how dismissive and cruel you were. It's good that you're making steps in trying to get away from the thinking that your sister was at fault here, but it's not going to erase what happened, and the least you can do is respect the space she needs.