"AITA for telling my sister she isn't a parent?"
My (f26) sister (f22) got a new boyfriend (m34) earlier this year. They've been together around 7 months after about two months of dating the new BF moved sister into his house. The thing with BF is he has three kids from previous relationships but only has custody of the youngest (m3). I've met BF and his son and I have no problem with them.
I have two kids of my own (f4,m2) and another on the way. My problem comes with how sister has been acting. Ever since she moved in she has immediately started acting like this boy's mom and to me and other parents I know bio and step alike are confused by this behavior.
I've tried to talk to her about it respectfully but she hasn't listened. I think it's great that she cares about this kid and wants to be there for him especially because in the past she has made it very clear she doesn't want kids. But I can't help but feel disrespected by her behavior.
I've kept my mouth shut on my true feeling about it because honestly it's none of my business but last night she made a FB post saying that being a parent is hard and how she getting bullied by a 3 foot bully she created. I snapped and immediately went to private message her.
I told her how inappropriate her post and behavior have been and how disrespectful it is to all parents alike and she's not that little boy's parent because she hasn't earned that title yet. That if her and BF were to break up she'd only be remembered as one dads girlfriends and that's if she even is remembered at all.
I also compared how she's been acting to the way our stepmother acted after our dad married her. Our mother passed when we were young and we were raised by family members. Our dad had visitation rights and got remarried a couple years after mom's passing. That marriage didn't last long. Anyways my sister was understandably upset.
She said she can't have kids of her own (she can, BF just doesn't want anymore) and BFs son was the closest thing she'll ever have. That his mom isn't involved so it doesn't matter that she's been acting like his mom and she's nothing like our step mom because she doesn't make BF's son call her mom.
That I'm the one to talk about moving to fast because My husband (m28)and I were only dating for a year when we got pregnant (it was a planned pregnancy). My husband thinks I was being an AH but my friend (f34) who is a stepmother thinks I was harsh but it had to be said. So AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
hopelesscaribou wrote:
How about you tell your sister that at 22, she should be wary of men in their mid thirties looking for some young thing to take care of his children.
The fact that she wants her own someday but he doesn't only makes it worse.
OP responded:
I've shared my concerns about that. And she has only now said she wants her own. Ever since we were kids she has made it clear she never wanted kids. She always just wanted to be the cool aunt.
AvailableBuilder4817 wrote:
My guess is he has put all the child responsibility in her and therefore she pretty much is his mom. I say this as a divorced mom who shares custody fyi. YTA. Stop taking it personally oh and you planned having a baby with dating a guy for a year you don’t have any moral high ground.
OP responded:
I wasn't using my planned pregnancy as a moral high ground. My sister had tried to use the fact that me and my husband started having kids after only dating for a year. I knew my husband and was his roommate for a few years before we started dating. But to my sister I moved "to fast" because we were already living together and had planned for kids before we hit our one year mark.
Gloomy_Ruminant wrote:
YTA. You're offended on behalf of all parents? Come again? Don't speak for us all please. My status as a mom, and yours as well, is in no way threatened by someone else claiming to be a parent to an unrelated child.
It doesn't matter if their perception aligns with reality.
My 4-year-old told me yesterday she's going to be a mom soon - should I scold her and tell her that disrespects real mom's?
OP responded:
Me and the other parents I personally know and my sister knows as well are confused and put off by her behavior. I find her behavior disrespectful and I know a couple of my other friends with kids bio and step alike also find her behavior disrespectful especially the step parents.
They put in the time and energy to build their relationship with their kids and they continue to do so. They understand it takes more than just moving in and claiming the role. I'm not offended on behalf of all parents.
And we all respect that she wants to be a parent figure for this boy but the way she's going about it is what has bothered us. My 4-year-old came up to me today rubbing her belly going hush little baby hush because she sees me doing that. It's completely different.
Itsaboutresilience wrote:
OP, is your sister being annoyingly over-the-top now that she's been parenting a kid for 2.7 seconds? Sure. Do you both have a well-earned sensitivity to someone doing that because of your dad's short-term marriage after your mother's death? Sure. But you're focusing on the wrong problem here.
What *I* see is an older man immediately moving a much younger woman into his home with his child, which isn't something anyone would advise. Moving that quickly makes me worried he's not only relying on her for parenting responsibilities, but counting on the fact that at 22 of course she's going to have a rose-colored glasses view of motherhood.
She IS the only mother currently present for that child, no matter how short the relationship, and this man is going to be able to leverage that newly-built bond between her and his son to keep her in the relationship if it goes sideways.
I encourage you to be more worried about your sister's well-being than her co-opting some badge of parenthood that you don't believe she deserves. I don't think you can actually tell her to watch out for signs this guy is bad news, but YOU should do so. And try to keep your relationship with her in case she needs help. Looks like all red flags from where I'm sitting.
OP responded:
I have shared my concerns on the matter. But she won't listen to me and has tried to cut contact with me over it (it didn't last long). My husband, her boyfriend and her are all COs and BF is their superior officer so huge red flags there and we convinced her to transfer to a different prison but that's all we've been able to do.
EsharaLight wrote:
YTA for projecting your trauma from your step mother onto your sister and telling her off. The only person who gets an opinion on how your sister interacts with the little boy is her boyfriend, the boy's father. It sounds like she is taking the responsibility of living with a man who has a child seriously and wants to find a place in kids life. Leave her alone and mind your own family.
After getting called out a good deal in the comments, OP shared an update.
Edit: ok I understand that I'm TA. I've had a lot of comments on me gatekeeping parenthood and not supporting my sister. I have offered my support and have made it clear I admire her for wanting to step up to the parental role.
I have no problems against adoption or step parents/ kids. We are no strangers to blended families, our older sister was adopted. We fought to keep her with us after mom passed. I have had other parents including step parents in our lives talk to me about this situation.
They all have found her behavior disrespectful and distasteful. I know that you can change your mind on having kids but the way it happened is concerning and she's been acting as if she infertile when she is not her BF doesn't want more kids and got snipped. She has no real responsibility for this child besides dropping off and picking up from the babysitters.
She claims she's the boy's mother whenever anyone asks. The boy's father has said she's not the boy's mother but doesn't stop her from acting as if she is and that's on them I understand that. And yes for those concerted i and everyone else in our life have shared our concern on how fast her very much older boyfriend moved her in.
She's young and won't listen. She also has a history of getting bored with her boyfriends and either cheating or leaving them for someone else. That's how her and the new guy got together. She's not in a stable relationship and she's going to break this sweet little boy's heart. She is my sister I love her but I find her behavior ridiculous.
The commenters kept sharing their thoughts.
darkredpintobeans wrote:
These comments are wild, lol. It's unhinged to post a child you've known a few months acting like ur their parent. Step-parents are valid parents, yes, but they're not married and haven't even been together very long, so she's not a step parent yet. OP definitely could've been nicer about it but someone needed to tell her she's delusional op also definitely needs therapy for taking it so personally.
Crazy-Ad6222 wrote:
I mean she hasn't even been with this guy a year. My kids wouldn't of even met my partner before a year. Kids get attached, its way to soon in my opinion. I also think the only opinion that really matters is the child. Is the kid uncomfortable or does he love and appreciate her. I think it all depends on the kid feelings.
Seaworthinessown6390 wrote:
YTA, she's literally just taking care of a child, I don't see how thats weird especially since she mentioned that the bio mom isn't around much. You sound very annoying to be around.
You should be concerned about her dating a guy 12-years -lder than her that already has kids, not her parenting a kid.