'AITA for telling my sister that she needs to stop trying to be a martyr?'
"AITA for telling my sister that she needs to stop trying to be a martyr?"
Everyone is mad at me right now, but my sister just can't stop trying to make every single thing about her. My (14f) birthday is next week, and i have been imploring my parents to let me go to the movies without them and with a few friends (they are super overprotective and won't budge or try to find a middle ground). So, me and my older brother (17m) were trying to convince them to let us go during dinner last night.
And then my sister (25f) - she had childhood cancer, and spent a lot of years in and out of the hospital, until her teen years (17) - just interrupts and says that I don't have a reason to be this upset because at my age she couldn't even eat without feeling sick somedays, and my parents always use this as argument too, to say that I and my brother don't have enough reason to be upset.
And she has always been like this, you know? Every time I speak in front of her about something that is making me sad or mad, she will just say that I'm really ungrateful for complaining when she couldn't even do most things at my age.
I already told her that hearing this doesn't help me, because I'm really sorry that she had to go through that, really. But is not because she couldn't live her life, that i can't live mine too, so we even the score. My parents always say that she is dealing with everything in the best way she can when we complain and that we need to have more compassion.
But well, I'm so tired of this being the final argument for everything in our house, so I told everyone this last night. I can't even get sad about bad grades, or a fight with my friends, without being called ungrateful and reminded that my sister had bigger worries at my age.
When I said this she told me I needed to grow up and stop resenting her for having suffered for real in life and not having time to deal with my BS. So I told her it's also time for her to stop trying to be a martyr and she isn't sick anymore. She can't keep trying to be always the center of everything with things that are in the past.
My parents sent me to my room (no movies for my bday, that's for sure), and told me that i was out of line, and mean, and disrespected my sister's trauma. My friends also think i was an asshole for saying this when she has actually suffered a lot, but my brother agrees with me but he just thinks i should lay low until I'm 18...AITA?
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
EDIT: Thanks for every comment! After reading about it, I decided to show my brother this post and we talked a lot. We had never really talked in depth about all of this. We cried, but now i feel less alone, and after reading everything, less wrong about feeling all of this.
He will move out next year, probably, but he will look for a place close by and maybe try to convince our parents to let me sleep there sometimes. In the long run, the plan is to save money and move in with him after 18. That's not a big change but i'm grateful for the courage you guys gave me to talk about it.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
AlbatrossOwn2010 wrote:
NTA, try having the same conversation again with your parents (make sure sister not there) calmly explain that you are growing up you are your own person and not being allowed to be a normal teenager just because your sister didn't get that chance is not fair.
Tell them it feels like you are being punished due to your sisters resentment at not being able to do things....tell them that was her journey that she has recovered from. Tell then that being told constantly that you are ungrateful.
Effective-Dog-6201 wrote:
NTA. Your sister is one of those people who has made their prior illness their whole life, their whole personality. It is a shame your parents are contributing to this. They all should have attended therapy so they could understand that an illness is something that happens to you, it is not who you are (especially 10 years later).
Unfortunately, until they understand this, they are not going to change. Your brother has the right idea, hang in there until you're 18 and can go to college or trade school and check out of the drama your sister revels in.
HandBananasRevenge wrote:
NTA. Your sister and your parents are being ridiculous. They’re expecting you to keep yourself small forever so your sister can continue to feel big. You have a right to your own life and to express your feelings. You were right to call her out. I know it was hard for her and your family, but that doesn’t entitle her to beat people over the head with it forever.
writierthanthous wrote:
NTA. Your brother is right, unfortunately. Your parents are setting the stage for a very distant relationship once you are an adult.
MelodyRaine wrote:
NTA imagine not being able to have typical feelings or emotions, or learn how to work through anything because you have a harpy in your ear constantly crowing about how much worse they had it at your age. She's in her twenties, if she were my kid I would tell her to build a bridge and get over it...then pay for you and your friends to go out to dinner and a movie my treat. Enough is enough.
NotThatNeurotic wrote:
100% NTA. The challenges she faced in life aren't yours and yes its awful she didn't get to have the normal teenage experience but again thats her life not yours. This doesn't seem like an argument you're going to win though, I'd listen to your brothers advice because he's likely gone through the same shit.