'AITA for telling my sister she’d have nothing without her husband?'
"AITA for telling my sister she’d having nothing without her husband?"
I25f have an 8-year-old and a 2-year-old. I work and do Doordash and so does my fiancé (not Doordash but he works longer hours.) We have trouble financially and aren’t in the greatest spot but we make it work.
My sister (29) has 3 kids but she doesn’t work, she’s never had to work. She married a doctor, and they of course do pretty well for themselves. The one day my sister and I were talking and it came up on Christmas and I told my sister it was probably going to be a small one this year, and that she may get her family’s gifts from us a little late.
She made a comment how she doesn’t understand how we do so bad with money when we’re both working and how they don’t have the struggle. She suggested to me maybe going to college or looking into a better job because a crappy job with crappy pay just isn’t worth it.
She basically made a sly comment how our life choices have led to this with our children and how we probably shouldn’t of started until we were ready. Both my children were unexpected my oldest I had when I just turned 17.
I’ve always acknowledged the set back but that’s why we work so hard. We got into an argument about it and I basically said she had no room to talk and she’d have nothing without her husband.
She got mad and said if she didn’t have him she obviously would’ve waited to have children and went to college and that I was just being an AH because what she said was true. We haven’t talked since thanksgiving. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
GenoFlower wrote:
ESH. It sounds like you're jealous, and it sounds like she has no idea how tough it is now. However, you could find a way to go to college if you want, and two "unexpected" children? And on her end, her husband is a doctor. If he was a teacher, her life would be very different.
OP responded:
When I was 17 I wasn’t careful and I was stupid and it led to pregnancy. My second child I actually was on the pill.
valsavana wrote:
ESH. You're both right and you're both wrong. She doesn't seem to understand how hard it is out there economically but she's not wrong in that it was wiser (and in the long run led to a better financial situation for her family) for her to wait to have children until she was financially stable.
And that if everything about your life was the same except you didn't have kids, your life would likely be financially better off (ie- you'd be in a better financial place if you'd waited to have kids) Your point about her husband supporting her doesn't really address her point because she never attributed her financial stability to her own hard work or achievement.
anglflw wrote:
I mean, one of the highest risk factors for poverty in adults is teenage parenthood. And just because she married a doctor doesn't mean she is somehow the arbiter of how to live your life. However, there is no reason you should feel any obligation to buy gifts for your sister's family. But ESH here. You both sound as if you've never aged out of your sibling rivalry stage.
CuriousMindedAA wrote:
NTA, she’s not one who should be voicing her opinions about your life. She’s out of line, and she certainly doesn’t need to get presents from you. Buy something little for her kids only, and only what you can afford. Nothing else, neither she nor her husband need gifts.
Gold_Let_6615 wrote:
NTA. She sounds very out of touch and shouldn’t have commented on your life choices and made remarks about what you apparently should do. It’s definitely not as easy as just going to college to ‘get a better job’ when you have two kids and she doesn’t have a job herself.
Perhaps you shouldn’t have come back with her not having anything if it weren’t for her husband but to be honest it’s true and I understand wanting to defend herself. She should understand her privilege rather than looking down her nose at you.
SiroccoDream wrote:
ESH. Your sister has no right to make mean comments about your financial situation, but neither do you have the right to tell her she’s nothing without her husband. You think she’s arrogant even though you feel she hasn’t done anything but marry a rich guy, meanwhile you’re defensive because you know your life choices made things harder for you.
Is it possible you are envious of her lifestyle? It’s okay if you are, but recognize that you will never be happy if you are always judging you own life against what others have.
Best to focus on the positives in your life, such as the fact you are working hard to make things better for yourself and your children, even if it sucks right now. If your sister can’t be nice, it’s okay to back off from associating with her for a bit. Good luck, and may your holidays be happy!
ForsakenWester7212 wrote:
YTA. As you acknowledged, your sister isn't wrong about your life choices. She could have said it in a more constructive manner or not at all (depending on your relationship with her), so I can see why you felt defensive.
That said, you're wrong and a true AH to say that she'd have nothing without her husband. She's taking care of their children and household, which is valuable work too and gives her husband the ability to focus on his job full time.
She has provide their family with children they love. In light of this, telling her that she has NOTHING without her husband is much worse that her telling you that you should go to college or look for a better paying job. You said something incredibly non-feminist and demeaning to her so I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to you.