'AITA for kicking my sister and her kids out of my house when they have 'nowhere else to go'?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my sister(45) and her kids (17,19,21) they need to get jobs and get out of my house?"
Long story but the gist is several years ago my mother passed away and stopped paying my sisters bills. My sister lost her house and moved in with my family. It was supposed to be for a few weeks. The first sign of trouble was some behavioral issues with her youngest son.
My husband and I did not feel it was safe to have him around out kids. My sister sent her boys to live with their father and she and my niece stayed with us for "a few more weeks". This turned into many years with lots of excuses about why she couldn't work (Felony on record, Diabetes, Chronic Pain, etc).
A month or so ago she asked if the boys could come visit for a few days. We ended up paying for the trip with the agreement they would be staying with friends most of the time. This did not happen. Then my sister informed the boys that they were welcome to stay here with us. I found out when my nephew came to me and told me he wasn't going back to his dads.
I felt a lot of pressure from my sister and niece with all the horror stories about the treatment they receive at their dad's house. Reluctantly I said if they found a job and made it a priority to move out ASAP they could stay here a couple more weeks. This did not happen. There was no urgency at all.
When I sat them all down to discuss the situation and explain that they could not stay any longer I was informed that their father refused to let them come back. They had no where else to go. This sent up red flags and I felt like I was being emotionally manipulated. A common tactic of my sister's.
The stress started getting to me. Having 8 people in a house together was and is torture. I discussed the situation with my therapist and he pointed out troubling patterns in my relationship with my sister and her manipulation of me.
I thought a lot about it and started getting angry. We all had another discussion. I blew my top and called them all out for free loading, manipulation etc. I told them I would no longer be funding their cigarettes, take out, entertainment, etc.
I got a lot of yelling and intimidation and was told over and over they would no longer be part of my life after how I talked to them. I at that point told them they all needed to leave including my sister and niece.
They have yet to do so. As soon as I stopped paying for everything the adults (not including my sister) magically found jobs. My sister has been giving me the silent treatment and they have yet to leave my home.
I will be talking to them again to get a definite timeline and let them know that their priority will be to find a place and leave. I keep hearing them talk about all the stuff they are going to buy when they get their paychecks and I just want to scream at them to get the hell out of my house.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
BlondeMoana25 said:
OP, you should’ve kicked those freeloaders out of your house years ago. They’ve been mooching off you financially and emotionally, so while you’re NTA, you will be the @$$hole if you continue to let them manipulate and abuse you.
They’re all adults. Cut the umbilical cord and kick them out of your home and give them a taste of the real world.
duckysmomma said:
NTA. Maybe head over to the legal advice on how to remove them from your home—not sure of tennants laws, if you would have to formally evict them, but it’s time to find out. They’re using you as a money tree, not an aunt and sister—and now that the play funds are cut, they’re using you as a house, not a family member. Don’t let them gaslight you into believing otherwise.
Ninerism said:
NTA. This doesn't even need a long explanation. You have gone beyond what is expected and your sister is unappreciative. Your mother supported her and now you are doing it. If she wants to threaten you about no longer being a part of your life, remind her who has taken her in for years after what was supposed to be a few weeks.
Remind her that without her, your life would become easier and hers harder.
It's your house. It's your life. It's not your problem. She's a leech and she needs to grow up and get out.
She later shared this update:
Well, that escalated quickly. The silent treatment continues and that is just fine by me. I have one nephew that seems to get that what his Mom and sister are doing was wrong. He is now acting as go between for communication with my sister and niece. He is they only one that seems to grasp that they are all not living in the real world. I have given them a specific date when I need them to leave by.
This date was not picked at random. My niece and nephew both start their new jobs this week. I sat down with him and explained a bit about budgeting, taxes, deposits and how to find an apartment. I also gave him some basic instruction on opening bank accounts and renting moving vans. This kid is 19 years old...never had a job. Has no clue how any of this stuff works because of the way he was raised.
His mother has never had to do any of this stuff on her own and his dad works under the table jobs to avoid paying all the back child support he owes. My nephew keeps coming to me with all these requests...can they use my car to get to and from work? Can they wash their clothes. Can they get ice out of the fridge.
During the big blow up these same things are what I listed off when my sister tried to justify everything by saying we would be paying for all of these things anyway and they (her and her kids) don't add to the bills at all. She honestly believes that her living here has absolutely no impact on the bills we pay. Because we would be paying them anyway.
She was really surprised that I didn't agree with her. I have done a bunch of research on evictions and my husband talked me out of that one. At least for now. We cannot afford a lawyer and he refuses to pay her to leave. He is being really patient but does like to remind me that he predicted this when they moved in 5 years ago.