'AITA for telling my sister she wasn't the only one affected by our mom's death and to let our dad live his life?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my sister she wasn't the only one affected by our mom's death and to let our dad live his life?"
Hi, I said something meaning well but even my dad whom I said it for thinks I went too far. So I'd like to have an unbiased opinion. My mom passed away almost 5 years ago. I was 24 at the time, my sister was 17.
She's always been treated as the baby of the family by all of us and she did take our mom's passing very hard. According to my dad, she'd have night terrors and he would go downstairs to get her water. She stayed with him for the first year of her college before moving out.
A couple of years ago, my dad started dating someone and when he told us my sister went ballistic, full-on sobbing and begging him not to. The strain led to him breaking it off. Same story repeated once more after that. My dad told me she was young and still coming to terms with it so he wouldn't take anything too far.
Since last year, he's been dating another woman who has two young boys of her own. My dad seems to really enjoy her company, we've met her a few times and honestly I love my dad and want him to be happy, he's a great guy and she seems to make him so.
When he told us he wanted to have us all spend Christmas together, my sister again had an argument, said that christmas with him was supposed to be her safe space, we had memories of us as a family with mom and asked him to hold off. He said yes and I knew he would because ofcourse he wasn't going to risk her not coming.
Meanwhile, when talking to me, my sister has been asking me repeatedly if I think dad is going to marry this woman, I said I don't know but if he wants to then I hope he does.
Last weekend on the family group chat, my sister talked about moving stuff back to his place. Thats when I learned that she was planning on moving back after she graduates in May and my dad had agreed.
I was so annoyed, she's pulling the same thing, this is clearly to monopolize his attention and not let his relationship with his girlfriend proceed further. I said as much in the group chat, she said she just wants to move back to be with dad and in the house where we have mom's memories.
At this, I told her to stop weaponizing our mom's death, and pretending like she was the only one affected and that the rest of us loved her less just because we want to look past the grief. That she was being manipulative in moving back when she had no plans prior to learning about his girlfriend.
My dad kept texting me to shut up, my sister left the group chat. She sent me a long text chain essentially calling me an AH and that her relationship with dad is her own. My dad says I crossed a line and should make up with her. AITA? Him taking her side is what is hurting me the most.
Update: Thank you for your comments. I spoke to my dad this morning and brought up that she is still in grief and it would be kind to her if we suggested therapy. My dad seemed on the fence about it.
He said I should go ahead and suggest it to her if I want, but he's concerned if he says it she'll feel attacked and think she's a problem, as per him. So I don't know. I don't know how receptive my sister would be at this moment to what I say after what happened. I'll see.
Also, I appreciate the comments saying the lecture I gave should've come from my dad not me. My dad once drove two hours at night to give her a portable heater because the thermostat in her apartment was acting out and he couldn't have her wait till the morning for maintenance. The lecture wouldn't have come from him. Its why I said it.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your family should seek professional help, in my opinion. She's still grieving the loss of your mother, and she's not letting your family move on in a healthy manner.
This isn't grief. This is abuse and control.
This IS grief. She is in denial that everyone is moving on while still holding onto the thought that their mom is gone, and believes that if she allows this to pass they are betraying the memory of the mom.
Mind you, they were young when she lost her, and she has not processed this well enough that she's doing everything to make sure dad stays faithful to mom even past death, but she cannot force everyone to stay in that mindset.
Everyone is moving on but her, and the way she speaks about mom shows she is still grieving and the family is enabling her to not process her sadness properly by having her clutch at that pain. She needs therapy to process the grief or she will drag everyone with her into being sad forever.
NTA.
Your sister needs major therapy, and your dad needs to stop enabling her.
Your sister seems to be trying to keep your mother "alive" by freezing the house and your dad the way they were when your mom was alive. In her mind, moving on = killing your mom. That's understandable when the grief is still new and raw, but it's not healthy five years later.
Talk to your father about this. Maybe a condition of her staying with him (for a limited period of time) could be that she has to get therapy, and you and/or your dad should be there for the first session to ensure the unbiased truth is established.
She must NOT move in unless and until she starts this therapy. She's guilting your dad and ruining his chances for happiness, and him allowing it isn't good for her. NTA.
It sounds like your sister has not processed the loss of her mother and needs some therapy. Your father can fight his own battles and if he tells you to back off, you must respect that. You’ve said what you needed to say. Leave it at that.