"My mother hates me for telling my sister the truth." AITA?

So a little background is required for this to make any sense. Many years ago my mother had an affair that completely blew up our family. I suppose the affair was the lesser issue, but rather all her other actions that screwed many of us over. For context I was 10, my younger sister was 7/8 and my older sister almost 14- all female.

To start with, in the years prior, my mother had taken out tens of thousands of dollars in loans and credit cards in my dads name, of which he was never aware of. Ignorant, absolutely, but she had always managed all finances while a SAHM.

She also managed to make 5 years of GST payments disappear from the business account, for which dad was then charged with two charges (around 100K in fines) of tax evasion on top of the missed payments.

All three of us kids had a bank account set up from young, which our dad had added to so that we would be in a positive position when we were older- for University, or a house deposit, whatever it was that we desired. Being saving orientated even as a kid, I had chosen to put 100% of any money earnt through chores or gifted for birthdays into the account.

At 14 when I began working and gained access to net banking I realised mum had drained my account, less $50… only my account. If that wasn’t enough, her own mother had stored a sum of money in my parents safe that was intended for her funeral. My mother took every last dollar and refused to pay it back- my dad paid it back with interest when he found out.

Due to the tricky financial situation, dad had to travel for work, wherever the trade was needed in that moment. Typically he would leave in the early hours of Monday morning and return on Saturday afternoon. In this time my mother felt it appropriate to leave us at home so that she could visit the affair partner, usually not coming home for days at a time.

Nobody knew- we had no carers or access to resource as we lived a 20 minute drive to the nearest town/stores. This went on for a few weeks before my mum (sometimes) contacted our cousin to come stay with us while she was out… to this day I believe that only happened because the other guy figure out what was going on.

Due to timing of people coming and going our dad didn’t know any of this happened to until months later. I kept quiet because I knew he couldn’t afford to stay home. All this said- I stepped into the parent role. My little sister was kept in the dark as much as possible, I did my best to maintain her same routine so that she felt as little impact as possible.

Obviously she suffered, to the point of requesting to sleep in my bed every night for a year, but it seems that she doesn’t remember any of the shitty things that happened back then. My older sister was very mentally ill, where I had to medicate her each morning and conduct daily body and room checks.

To the best of my knowledge our little sister never saw any of this- I didn’t and don’t believe those are subject such little eyes should have to witness. The older sister was also really ashamed and has asked to keep this situation away from the youngest as she had a habit of speaking without realising or knowing the potential damage.

As much as I hated the responsibility, cooking, cleaning, hiding the families dirty laundry; I was also very aware that what was happening wasn’t okay. That if I couldn’t keep it together and matters hidden, that authorities would become involved. Those times were scary but the idea of not having access to and control over what happened to me or my siblings felt like it would be worse.

These are only the first things that come to mind but the details aren’t exactly the point of this post. Anyway, I guess my younger sister’s soon to be in laws have asked some questions, of which my sister doesn’t have the ability to answer. I would suggest she asked our mother first but the queries would have been shut down.

I know she feels guilty, knows that she screwed up, and frankly I hope she never forgives herself for it. So, little sister came to me and for the first time in 15 years I was willing to give her the answers she was looking for. I’ve always been vague, not wanting to cause her pain, but I’ve started feeling guilty in recent years for not treating her as enough of an adult to make her own decisions.

After a loooot of therapy, I have realised that I don’t have to be their parent anymore. My sister cried, I cried, and she apologised for assumption made and words said because she didn’t know any better in the past. She needs and wants time to process a whole lot of information that’s entirely new to her, that has quite literally flipped the way she has perceived many people over the years.

Anywho… she isn’t speaking to our mother right now and that’s where it becomes my problem, I guess. She called me, blowing up, claiming I’ve ruined her relationship with her daughter. That I’m out to get her, resentful without cause and need to stop living in the past. But I don’t see how me being honest about her actions is my fault?

Could I have filtered details? Maybe. But I don’t understand why I should have to hold onto the pressure of keeping her shortcomings secret. Maybe it’s time to grow up and pay for the consequences of your actions…. AITA?

This is what top commenters had to say:

incensecedar01 said:

Given the incredible abuse you've detailed, you have nothing do be guilty about. You simply gave your younger sister the truth you were hiding from her for too long. Your mother sounds like she's never taken any real responsibility for some really awful decisions she made, the affair being only a part of the damage she inflicted.

You sound like a lovely caring man who was forced to become a caregiver not only to your younger sister but to an older sibling with some major issues. Good for you to stop trying to protect your mother and for being honest with your sister.

Strong-Extension-976 said:

The audacity your mother has to blame anyone but herself for this. You are literally the reason she even has a younger daughter alive. Coz she is lucky she only has to face an angry daughter. Do not let her ever make you believe you have any responsibility for this situation, EVER. NTA.

[deleted] said:

Curious about your dad, how is he doing rn, after knowing the truth does you younger sister went living with your dad? And does he divorced your mother? And all that money she stole, what was she doing with that money? Did you get any of your money back?

Glad to see you turned out só well, and very brave of you to take your sister rage knowing was all your mothers fault, i wouldt be that good of a human.

SnooWords4839 said:

I'm glad your younger sister now knows. Time to block your mom and let her suffer the consequences of her actions!

UPDATE:

Aaaand now she’s resorted to posting on Facebook, claiming that one of her “ingrates are spreading rumours to ruin her” JFC 🤦🏼‍♀️ I don’t even have Facebook, so not really sure what she’s trying to achieve in doing this, but an old family friend called my dad to ask what’s going on. Also, I’m speaking to nobody about the situation? I don’t even live in our hometown!!!

If nothing else- she has nothing for me to ruin. No way I’m engaging or sinking to her level but seriously… what a waste of a person. Now the parents are fighting, she’s fighting with her current husband and shit is all around just getting messy. She thinks she’s making people feel sorry for her but mostly she just looks pathetic, if you ask me.

UPDATE #2:

It turns out I REALLY don’t need to sink to her level, that’s been taken care of while I sleep. I guess mums privacy settings aren’t great and that’s working against her. The vague ‘woe is me’ post has been shared by three family members/ friends with a single, but far less cryptic, one liner.

I’m told: “oh you mean the ingrate that raised your kids?”, “Should she be more grateful for your affair or the complete and utter abandonment of your three kids” and my absolute favourite (from my granny) “rot in hell you lying thieving bitch”