"AITA for telling my sister we were strangers?"
My head is still reeling from all this. 9 years ago (I was 18 then) my older sister eloped with her then boyfriend. Our parents (we're an immigrant family) were vehemently opposed to her relationship, I remember me being ok with it personally, it wasn't my place. She eloped with her boyfriend and cut of all contact with us.
My parents were besides themselves. I tried reaching out to her back then on different platforms but was blocked. I even reached out to her best friends and asked them if they could at least get me in touch with her, they said she didn't know where she lived now, but that she'd told them she was happy.
She had also left her workplace. Eventually we all (me and my parents) came to like an unspoken agreement to pretend she was never here, and I blocked her everywhere too. I remember being extra particular to call regularly when I was in college because I was worried about their state of mind. We're now at a place where I can't remember the last time she crossed our minds.
Yesterday my sister knocked on my apartment door. She cried and hugged me when she saw me, I hugged her back initially too, I wasn't really thinking at the time. She was just going on about how much I had changed, how much she'd missed me all these years. Eventually I kind of remembered everything, and asked her why she was here, and who had given her my address.
She said she had swore to them that she wouldn't tell. I asked her why didn't she call first since whoever gave my address probably gave my number too, she said she just wanted to see me in person. I told her we'd gotten over her, why was she here. She said her issue had only been with our parents, not me, I told her about how I'd been blocked too by her when she left.
She told me she was sorry she'd hurt me, but she had wanted a fresh start, told me I was an uncle to a nephew and a niece (they weren't there at the time, they were at their father's, they recently divorced). She acted surprised that I wouldn't know, said she'd told someone to tell our parents about them.
Maybe it was hearing about the divorce that frustrated me more, because if we were going to have gone through all this pain, at least she could've found lasting happiness, I just told her she was a stranger to me now. She said we could have lunch together she wanted to know all about what I'd been up to...
I told her it was best if we continued to have no contact, she didn't act like an older sister when I needed her to, and that we were no longer family, we'd mourned her already and we were now strangers. She was tearful, she gave me her address and phone number and left.
Last night, I spoke to my girlfriend about what had happened. She said she was still my sister, that I shouldn't have just turned her away. I told her she didn't know what we'd gone through in the days after she had eloped. But I still wanted to know here AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
anaisaknits said:
I have a sister that I have had zero interaction with for more than 30 years. She reached out to me after our mother's death in 2018. We just went different paths in life. I have zero in common with her other than sharing a bio mother.
I wished her well in life but told her no that that ship had sailed. Obviously she threw a fit which just confirmed my no. What your sister did was unfair to you. Makes me wonder if he was controlling her or if this is who she is. NTA.
AllInkalicious said:
NTA. You are exactly right in what you said and how you feel about this. The issue here is that she’s only returned because a significant part of her life changed. It wasn’t a change of mind or heart, just circumstances.
And she still managed to trample over and ignore any feelings or emotions you may have about her sudden reappearance. Never say never but for now I would definitely continue a life without this person’s involvement and any contact is up to you and no-one else.
Dreamy_Literature101 said:
NTA. She broke all contact with you for nearly a decade. She treated you as if you were disposable. There is no relationship to salvage. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to pick you up again just because it works for her.
I’m guessing she’s decided now’s a good time because she’s getting divorced and in essence needs something (time, attention, connection) from you. Ask yourself, if she weren’t getting divorced, would she have reached out? You need to figure out who shared your address with her.
VivaciousVV10910 said:
Absolutely NTA. When will people start accepting the consequences to their actions? And why do other people think they can tell you how you should have responded to her? Your girlfriend should have kept her mouth shut and just held you and let you talk and been there for you. I wouldn’t tell your parents you saw her either. That’s a bandaid you don’t want to rip off.
Remarkable_Buyer4625 said:
NTA. You get to decide whether or not to accept her back into your life. You were the one who was discarded. I’d be especially hesitant about letting her back in too…since it seems like her losing her husband is the only reason she reached out. What happens if she finds another husband? Will you be thrown away again?
Safe_Ad_7777 said:
NTA. She just disappears for a full third of your life, then shows up at the door and acts like nothing's happened? Nope, you don't get to do that. Plus, you ARE strangers. You've gone from gawky teen to fully fledged adult. She's become a mother.
Enormous things have happened, you've both grown and changed, and had no contact through any of it. At the VERY least you'd have to learn all about the people you are now. It's very fair if you don't want to resume contact. Her timing - just as she gets divorced - is a red flag. She may want money and support.