"AITAH for telling my son I know he is gay?"
I (62 M) have two kids, one 24 M and another 26 F. My wife unfortunately passed away 10 years ago, and brought most of the warmth and heart to the family. I've worked on myself and tried to be a more nurturing presence for my kids since she passed, but it isn't something that comes naturally to me as I had a very traditional (and pretty severe) upbringing.
This brings me to my current situation. I recently found out through a friend at my church that my son is romantically involved with another man. At first I was just surprised, but after I digested the news I was concerned that he clearly didn't feel able to share this important part of his life with me.
We live in a more conservative part of the US and I am an active churchgoer, and we had never really discussed orientation as a family. As such, I was concerned that he thought I would disown him or something: when in reality, I just love him and want him to find the happiness I had with his mother, whatever form that takes.
In the end, I decided it'd be best to address it directly with him so he knew I loved and supported him and he didn't have to worry about telling me. I invited him over for a beer, told him what I knew, and expressed as best I could that it wasn't something he needed to hide from me.
He's very much like me and not too great at emoting, but after his initial shock he hugged me and told me he appreciated it. I felt like the conversation went well and I was closer to him. When my daughter found out what happened, however, she told me I'd made a big mistake.
She said I ambushed him, and worse still robbed him of the opportunity to come out to me in his own time, which she told me is often important to gay people. I really didn't get the impression my son felt that way about our conversation, and she didn't hear from him that he feels that way, but she says it's obvious he'd be upset.
So now I'm wondering if I've been an asshole telling him I knew? And if so, what I should do next? I've been thinking of checking in with him, but I don't want to inadvertently say the wrong thing and damage my relationship with him more than I already may have done.
I cannot lose another person I love, and don't want to hurt my son, who went through so much already with his mom's passing. Replies from all are welcome, but especially gay folks who might know what my son is going through. God bless.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Rough_Chip6667 wrote:
I don’t think you have any thing to worry about, but, if puts your mind at ease you could text him something along the lines of;
"I’m sorry if our conversation put you on the spot, or made you uncomfortable. But I love you and I just wanted you to know that. I’m so proud of the man you have become and I know your mother would be too."
Then leave the ball in his court.
OP responded:
Thank you, this is really helpful and I think it puts into words what I want to express to my son. Appreciate you and God bless.
heydanalee wrote:
Gay guy here. NTA at all: more dads should be like you.
OP responded:
Thank you brother, that means a lot. God bless.
Mauchit_Ron wrote:
Your daughter sounds insufferable. Robbed him of the opportunity? Absolute nonsense.
OP responded:
Thanks for the reply, but I wanted to clear up that my daughter didn't mean anything bad by what she said: she's just a little protective of her brother, they went through a lot together when their mom passed. Maybe I didn't explain things too well, but she really meant well and we all do love each other a lot, even if we aren't always the best at expressing that. Take care and appreciate you.
ashainvests wrote:
(1) He told you he appreciated your words. (2) Your daughter said he didn't actually tell her anything... which means she's making up 💩.
NTA. And even if he did prefer to come out to you, you still wouldn't be TA because you came from a place of love and acceptance. Your son understands your intent. If I were to make up 💩 like your daughter, I'd assume your son is relieved he can now be his whole self around you.
fuzzy_mic wrote:
NTA - You love your son and reassured him that you will always love him. And he appreciates that from you. Talk to your son and be honest with him. That can't hurt your relationship with him. Guessing what he wants, assumptions about what is good for him, holding back from direct honesty. Thinking, like your daughter does, that he's too weak. Those are what might hurt things.
aeroeagleAC wrote:
The only opinion that matters here is your son's.
Bright-Wolverine7460 wrote:
NTA as a gay person myself, this is pretty much exactly what happened with me. My mom did something similar to what you did. Honestly? It took the stress off of me to have the conversation with her. As long as your son feels better and you are being a supportive dad who cares what your daughter thinks.
To me it sounds like you really love and care for your son. Thank you for being understanding toward him and giving him a place to be himself! And while you're at it, tell your daughter to mind her own business!
Johnexcrement wrote:
Unless your daughter is a lesbian, I’m not sure why she thinks she needs to be the champion of gay people. You and your son had what sounds like a very satisfying outcome so why the hell is it her business? Your son may have gone for years feeling like he needed to hide his true self from you. And now he doesn’t. What is her problem? NTA.