'AITA for telling my son to figure out his own life and leave me alone?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my son to figure out his own life and leave me alone?"

My son, L (18m), was born in North Carolina, and since his birth, I’ve struggled to support him financially. His father, M (42m), and I (38f) met and got married after just two months—yes, I know, it wasn’t the best decision. But that’s beside the point.

Shortly after we wed, our relationship became toxic due to mental abuse, and I wanted a divorce. But then I found out I was pregnant. Around this time, M—who was in the Marine Corps—decided he was going to steal a 7-ton government vehicle and sell it to my ex-landlord because, and I quote, “The money would bring us back together.”

As expected, that didn’t work out. He was charged with stealing government property, sentenced to three years in the brig, and dishonorably discharged.

At that time, I was unemployed and living with my mom, so I thought it would be best for L to stay with M’s parents to ensure he had a stable upbringing. But my mom convinced me that it was a mistake and offered to help however she could. When I told M’s parents, they were relieved.

For the most part, L was an easy baby—great eater, great sleeper, no issues. But when he turned three, I started noticing signs of autism. He was never officially diagnosed, though he was diagnosed with ADHD.

Then, at six years old, he started stealing. It began with small things—taking his cousin’s belongings and returning them when caught—but it escalated. When I met my current husband, J (38m), L was seven. I made J a cheesecake for his birthday, and L took it and hid it under his bed.

Over the years, his mindset has remained: “If I see it and want it, I’m going to take it.” He would steal things and then pretend to help us look for them. He lied constantly: “L, did you write on the bathroom wall?” “No, it wasn’t me.” “L, where’s your brother’s tooth fairy money?” “I don’t know,” and then later, he’d buy snacks at the store. Even when we had proof he was stealing, he would still deny it.

Four years ago, since I had no childcare and had to bring him to both of my jobs with me. Later, I found out he had been stealing from both places. I was told I’d be fired if I kept bringing him. I got him into afterschool programs and summer camp and all was good for a while.

I even went as far as to get him into an inpatient program for his behavior problems, which yes, he completed, but it didn't change his behaviors. Eventually, he was caught stealing from some of the shops down our street which resulted in him being banned. Then, he got charged with petty theft for stealing $500+ from a flower shop.

He was given a choice to do a first-time offender program; 25 hours community service, a letter of apology to his parents, a 2 page essay on impulse control, $25 fee, and stay out of trouble.

He completed it—but only because I forced him to do it. By 17, he had started vaping, so of course as a mom, I confiscated them. That didn't stop him from vaping though, and when asked where he got them, he'd say "I found it on the ground" or some other lie. (Turns out he was friends with someone at the vape shop a few doors down from us.)

I bought him a phone, for communication purposes, and to play games... but he would use it to watch porn and look up inappropriate things, so I had to put parental controls on his devices. That barely helped—he always found ways to bypass the restrictions. So, I took the phone away. Despite everything, he barely graduated high school, but I was incredibly proud he did.

Just before his 18th birthday (back in May), I bought him another phone and asked him to fill out ten job applications while I was at work (Monday–Friday, 9–5). He refused. I told him if he wasn’t going to look for a job, I’d take the phone away. Instead of filling out applications, he spent his time on adult websites and YouTube. I gave him a choice: Do the right thing or leave.

He moved out on his 18th birthday. I have no idea where he went—he just said, “a friend.” He then called his grandparents and lied, telling them I kicked him out, which I didn’t. I wanted him to work and stop freeloading. Mind you, they communicate once a year with him... His dad M, hasn't seen him since he was born.

Then last night, he video-called me and told me he’s joining the Army. I congratulated him and told him how excited I was, thinking that maybe the structure would help him turn things around. But while I was cooking dinner, I glanced at my phone screen, and what does he do? Takes a drag from his vape and blows the smoke into the camera lens.

I immediately felt the disrespect. The smug grin on his face said it all: “Eff you, Mom! I’m vaping, and you can’t stop me.” I ended the call. This morning, he reached out and asked if I was home.

Obviously, I wasn’t—it’s a Wednesday. He said he needed his siblings’ information for a Navy recruiter (not the Army, apparently). I told him if the recruiter needed anything, they could contact me. The recruiter later told me they didn’t need his half-siblings’ info, just his parents’ info.

I called L back and told him, You’re going to have to figure out your own life. Stop reaching out only when you need something. Please leave me alone. Now I’m wondering—AITA? I want a relationship with my son, and love him dearly. I do hope he is ok, but now I'm thinking maybe, I was a little to tough on him. Help!

*******I'm adding a few edits here, since I left out important parts of L’s story when I wrote this yesterday.

I’ve always cared deeply for L and did everything I could to get him help. He was diagnosed with ADHD at six years old. After that, much of his childhood involved therapy and medication. When he began stealing, I sought more support—not just through his school, but with his pediatrician and therapist. But time and again, his behavior was dismissed. I was often told, “He’s just a kid. He’ll grow out of it.”

He was prescribed medication, but after my then one-year-old found his pills under the counter, I made the switch to liquid form for safety. Stealing a slice of cheesecake at age seven might seem small, but for L, it marked the beginning of something more serious. What started as taking from his cousins soon became stealing money from my purse—even my collectible currency.

It escalated further. He began stealing from grocery stores while we were out shopping. I remember once, he took a pack of gum, and I made him return it and apologize to the store manager. I enrolled him in every program I could find. In fact, completely at a loss, I once called DCF on myself, hoping they'd step in. But because there was no neglect or abuse, they wouldn’t open a case.

The medication helped—sometimes. I encouraged him to take it and explained the benefits, but after a few weeks of stable behavior, he’d often stop taking it or begin hiding it. He always said, “I don’t like the way it makes me feel.” I never forced him.

I truly tried everything I could. L was born after I divorced his father, and he never had a relationship with him—not by my choice. I begged M to be involved, but he never stepped up. I hope this gives better clarity. I’ve seen some comments asking what kind of help I got for L, and I wanted to answer that with complete transparency.

What do you think? AITA for cutting him off? This is what commenters had to say:

Artistic-Lobster5747 said:

NTA hopefully he gets his ass handed to him in the military because something drastic has to happen to him in order for him to grow the f up. He’s a little tyrant. Dont help him anymore. He needs to grow up.

Crafty-Shape2743 said:

No, you NTA. As a parent, he was your responsibility and the job of a parent is to help their kids build the set of tools they need in adulthood. Some parents don’t do that and they are A, but you did. You helped him build that set of tools and he pawned them. You’ve done all you could. The rest is up to him.

PipePsychological738 said:

NTA In so many words, he's already told you he doesn't need you. Legally, he's already an adult. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a clueless person is to agree with them. The relationship can come later. It's not fair to you to keep pushing at this time. Hang in there. This is hard. So hard.

Birdsonme said:

I hate to say this but… He was trying to get his siblings info to sign them up for something. A credit card or something he could charge and ruin their credit before they even start out (stealing, upgraded! The charge here is identity theft.). Don’t give him any personal information! Get cameras at home! He may try to steal from your house. Protect your important documents.

I know you love your boy, and want to be there for him, but he’s pushed back on all the help you’ve provided him. He’s the kind of person who needs to learn from his own mistakes, sadly. He won’t stop being this way until some authoritarian body forces him to.

I hope that’s the military and not the legal system, but I don’t know that I believe he’s actually signing up. It sounds like he was just fishing for information to use for whatever he’s up to.

OP responded:

Funny you mentioned cameras, because we have 7 in our home... Not for the worry of someone breaking in, but because we had to monitor him at all times.

Minflick said:

I’d change the locks on your home if possible.

Dreadkiaili said:

It sounds like he inherited some impulse control issues from his father. I wish there was a way to find someone to really help. This isn’t a talk therapy alone problem. This is meditation plus cognitive behavioral therapy situation. But, since he’s an adult he’s going to have to want to get help.

OP responded:

Thank you for your comment. He did get diagnosed with ADHD at a younger age, and we tried the therapy and medication route. It was working, until my (at the time) 1 year old handed my husband 3 of his pills. When we asked him why she found his pills, he lied and said he didn't know. And after a few times of asking, he decided to throw the pills under the counter.

He always said he didn't like the way the meds made him feel, so I didn't force him to medicate himself. Looking back, I think he didn't like it because he lacked impulses while medicated.

And CeramicSavage said:

Nta. You did everything you were supposed to do to ensure he got the help he needed. He refused. I hope the structure of the army helps him but I see a dishonorable discharge in his future.

One week later, she shared this update:

I wanted to share an update, as a few of you have been asking. The incident involving the vape during a phone call with me happened ten days ago. That same day, I told L that it was time for him to start figuring out how to navigate life on his own.

Currently, I live with my husband and our four other children in an apartment above a Kava Bar. The owner of the bar had previously told my husband that he helped L create a résumé, even though L has no prior work experience.

L was offered a job at a nearby shop, but, he ended up stealing money from there (the money was left on the counter, and the owner went to the backroom, and when he returned the money was gone).

He was also offered a position with my company, but on his first day, he refused to work. Despite this, the bar owner helped him fabricate work experience on his résumé. Eventually, the owner told L he could no longer hang out at the bar since he wasn’t there to drink kava.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I bought L a phone for his birthday and gave it to him two days before he turned 18. He had an appointment with a Navy recruiter in Miami on Monday, so I wished him luck on Saturday but didn’t hear back.

I tried calling him around 4 PM on Monday after his appointment, but his phone was temporarily disconnected. I reached out to his grandmother in Oklahoma—the one he told that I had kicked him out—just to see if she had heard from him. I just got off the phone with her.

Apparently, L was supposed to take a test for the Navy. They picked him up, but at some point—possibly upon arrival—they discovered he had multiple weapons on him. As a result, he has been disqualified from joining the Navy. I still haven’t heard from him directly, but I wanted to keep you all updated as promised.