'AITA for telling my son’s pregnant GF’s mom that I'll give up her baby if their daughter doesn't?'
"AITA for telling my son’s pregnant girlfriend’s mom that I will give up her baby if their daughter does not herself?"
I am a 44-year-old mom with a 16-year-old son. He’s had a girlfriend, who is also 16, for the last 7 months. We have never tried to shun intimacy or shun teen parents to our kids because my husband (46) and I do not believe that is how it’s prevented, and that it will happen if there is a will. He knows about condoms, he knows about plan b and birth control.
We do believe he should be an adult to make these decisions, and he does know that, but 16-year-olds will be 16-year-olds. To follow with that, my son sat my husband and I down in our living room to have a conversation.
He is not a “sit down and talk about this” kind of person, so I figured something happened maybe at school. However, I was wrong, because my son revealed that his girlfriend is pregnant. I had no idea they were hooking up. Not that I expected him to outright tell me, but I didn’t think they had much time together alone. but like I said earlier, if there is a will there is a way.
After some questions, she just found out two days ago after she didn’t have a period all of last week, so she took a test and it came back positive. She does not want to tell her parents, at least not right now. And they were using protection each time, so this was a huge surprise. I asked him if she would be willing to sit down and talk to us about what is going on, and he said she had already asked him if she could.
About an hour later, she came over, and my husband and I talked to her about this. She seemed very distraught about it, but this was the third time I have ever met her so I figured it was nerves. However, she said in summary that she is a 4.0 GPA student, trying to get the highest diploma she can get, and that she would love to go to school and be a psychiatrist.
There were a lot of tears shed, and I did already know that much about her, but didn’t put the two together. I asked her what she wanted to do, and at first she said that if we wanted to be grandparents that she would keep it. I told her to not think about my husband and I, but to think for herself. not even for my son. She said truthfully, a baby would ruin what she has going for the next 10 years.
I told her she may want to look into giving up the baby, or maybe consider termination. After some tears, and some talking, she said she would go home and tell her parents that she prefers to end the pregnancy. I told her that I could cover the cost if needed, because this was a result of my son, too.
At about 8 PM yesterday, I got a call from her mom, I’m not sure how she got my number, screaming that I am encouraging their daughter to get rid of their grandbaby, and also encouraging their daughter to be a killer.
I explained that their daughter has a really good future going for her, and I don’t want to see that get taken away from her because she’s 16 hooking up with my son, and even explained that god forbid, they break up someday, then it’d become a huge mess with custody and child support.
She still insisted they wanted her to keep the baby, and not terminate it. Where I may be TA especially, is that when she had said that, I told her that if she makes her daughter carry that baby, I would come in and drop the baby off at the fire department myself.
They called me pretty much every name under the sun, and I eventually hung up in the middle of their tirade. My husband is now saying maybe we never should have talked to our son’s girlfriend about this and maybe just let them figure the baby out and step in when needed.
But to be honest, I do love my son dearly, I just do not believe he is ready to be a father in any capacity right now. He does his dishes, his laundry, cleans his room, but that takes everything in him. He’s been battling depression for a while now, and we step in and even help him with his chores sometimes.
We have him in therapy for his depression and are learning with him and the therapist. There is no way he can hold a job right now. I don’t want to see a baby born in not the greatest conditions. But I do see that I may have been an asshole to my son’s girlfriend’s mom. Was I TA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
RightConversation461 wrote:
Help her with the process and tell her parents she had a miscarriage. If they are not on her side in helping then they needn't know.
OP responded:
I have heard a lot about her mom. She has always been very openly pro-life, to the point where she has posted on Facebook posting first and last names of people locally who have had appointments recently that she knew of. Her post got taken down for obvious reasons, but she genuinely needs help, and that’s been common knowledge for locals for years.
MadCityScientist wrote:
I was in the same position you find yourself in 33 years ago. My son was also 16, as was his girlfriend. They came and told me. I listened. The girl wanted to end the pregnancy, but knew that her religious mother would never forgive her. I supported the girl, letting her know that, whatever she decided, I would help as much as I could, even driving her to her appointment.
Ultimately, my son took her to the appointment, stayed with her, and took her home afterwards. She never told her mother. But she and my son later married! They have been married now for 32 years and have two amazing daughters each of whom have graduated from college. My son is a paramedic/firefighter.
My DIL is Director of an organic food grocery store. My DIL’s future was redeemed by her decision to not keep the baby. And we got our precious, priceless granddaughters just a few years later. I do so hope for the best for these two teenagers. Thank goodness one Mom has a level head on her shoulders!
Beneficial-Sort4795 wrote:
NTA but you have to realize those parents are 100% threatening to kick her out if she ends the pregnancy. That’s all she’s hearing over there. Would she be able to live with you if her parents drop her off at the fire station? I’m not being sarcastic- parents like this would make her life a tortured misery for going against their will- there’s a reason she was willing to talk to you first.
Not sure what state you’re in but would you be able to take her to the clinic and take care of her afterwards? If it’s early enough, might be pills but there is a window where that’s no longer an option for her (10 weeks?).
She needs to see a doctor and get a blood test to confirm and how far along she is first and foremost. I just don’t know how much access you’ll have to help her with this home environment. They might yank her out of school.
Karrie118 wrote:
The fact that she would rather talk to you than her own parents does not bode well for her future. If she does go ahead with the terribly hard decision to terminate, would you be willing to take her in and shield her?