'AITA for telling my wife I feel betrayed after finding out she has a secret son she's been hiding for 5 years?'

"AITA for telling my wife I am completely betrayed after finding out she has a secret son she's been hiding for 5 years?"

I (33M) have been with my wife (29F) for four years, married for two. She’s originally from a conservative country in South Asia.

I knew early on that her past was complicated — she rarely talked about her life before immigrating, only mentioned that her relationship with her family was strained and that she moved here for a “fresh start.” I didn’t push too hard. Everyone’s allowed some privacy, and I figured she’d open up in time.

We met through work, clicked quickly, and moved in together within a year. We’ve talked a lot about starting a family. She’s always said she wanted kids someday, just not “right now.” I respected that. Two weeks ago, I noticed her acting strange after checking her email late at night. She got emotional and brushed it off as “bad news from home.” I gave her space.

A few days later, while looking for a charger in her desk drawer, I found a folder with documents written in both English and another language. Curiosity (and concern) got the better of me. There were wire transfers, school enrollment papers, and medical records — all for a little boy I’d never heard of. Five years old. Listed with her last name.

I confronted her. She broke down and admitted everything. She had a son five years ago, back in her home country, before she moved here. The father is out of the picture. Her family told her to give up the baby or risk complete social and economic ruin. So when she got a visa to study and work abroad, she left and left her son in the care of a trusted cousin.

She’s been sending money and talking to him regularly but has never visited. She said she didn’t tell me because she was afraid I’d see her as "damaged", or irresponsible, or "unfit to be a wife" (her words, not mine.

She doesn't seem to understand that that's not how we view women over here). She didn’t want to lose the life she’d built here. I was in complete shock. I told her it’s not the fact that she has a son that hurts me. It’s that she built a life with me on a lie. We talked about raising kids together, and the whole time she was pretending to be someone she’s not.

She’s begging me not to tell anyone. Not my family, not our friends, not even hers. She said if word gets back home, it could ruin her reputation. But I told her I need space to process this, and that I don’t know if I can ever fully trust her again. She says I’m being unfair, that I don’t understand the cultural shame she was facing, that I’m judging her for trying to survive.

But from my perspective, this wasn’t a little omission. This was an entire child and four years of silence.

AITA for telling her I feel completely betrayed and unsure if I can stay in this marriage?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Hungry-Caramel4050 wrote:

NAH. I don’t know exactly where she’s from but I know in some cultures, losing face is the worst thing that can happen to someone…d#$th being a close second. I also know people do get shunned and shamed to the point of not wanting to be anymore. And when it comes to kids, the same shame can be pushed onto them depending on the situation.

Your wife grew up knowing different norms with a different culture. Doesn’t mean she was right to hide it from you, it just means she had her reasons. It’s okay for you to feel betrayed, it’s also ok for you to walk away because your norms and standards are different. But that’s all you should be doing. Please respect her request not to expose her and let her figure out how she wants to live by herself.

It’s difficult to walk away from culture and family, she might choose to go back to hers one day. Or she might choose to finally tell and live her truth in your country. Don’t go and make things worse than they are by telling on her.

Civil_Environment858 wrote:

NTA. She should have disclosed she had a son to you. But please do some research on the customs to try understand more, and not just from what she has shared. It’s her news to share, not yours with anyone else.

If you need someone to talk to, a therapist or religious advisor would be my suggestion. Or at the most one trusted friend who you know will not tell a soul, but that’s iffy. It’s fair to need someone to talk to.

topping_r wrote:

NAH and you’re both in a horribly difficult situation. You don’t have to make promises, but if you love each other your relationship can make it through this. Quite frankly you do not know anything yet as it sounds like you haven’t had the time to properly talk.

You need to reassure her that you do love her and want the best for both of you. She is probably extremely scared. You need to work out a solution together that allows you to get advice and support, but allows her the space to tell important people in her life and back home in asia when she is ready, and in a way that’s going to keep her safe.

Ok-status9627 wrote:

Can you explain what you mean by "she was pretending to be someone she’s not?"

She's hidden something from you, but that is an ongoing lie of omission.

Do you meant she's pretending she's not a mother?

Because whilst she's given birth and is helping to support the child she gave up, in many respect she's not a mother.

She's not raising her child (her cousin is). She gave up her child as a baby, under family pressure, under social pressure. Her comments to you about being seen as damaged, unfit, irresponsible have been fed by someone, and it seems those people who put this into her mind are the family who raised her.

Yes, she's hidden this from you when ideally she would have shared the information when/before your relationship became serious enough to marry. But it seems despite 4 years together, she has not managed to get past what this (for lack of a better word) programming.

I get that you are struggling to process this, and I'm not trying to absolve her of the lie, but please take a moment to think about it from her perspective. She was apparently afraid, if you knew, you would think her suitable as a wife, and now you know you've told her you need space. It likely seems to her that her fears are coming true.

I think you need to have a conversation with her. Ask her if she views herself as this child's mother and if given the choice she would want to raise her son. Ask him if the boy knows her to be his mother, or thinks your wife is just some distant cousin who likes to have a conversation with him occasionally.

And maybe even ask her if she loves you or married you because she thought that was the right thing socially. And I also think you need to consider, properly consider, your wording of "pretending to be someone she's not." Because that could give her the impression you are angry/upset/hurt for reasons other than that she hadn't been honest with you much sooner.

AssociateTrick7939 wrote:

NTA for being completely blindsided as this is a huge and important omission. That's a whole child who deserves to be loved and cared for by his mother, but due to situations cannot be.

He is the one missing out the most here. He and the mom who can't raise him the way she probably wants to. You may have the least raw end of this deal TBH.

This is the cruel reality for many women the world round. You can do your best and want to be your best for your loved ones and still society will find a way to punish you for things that may have been very out of your control or a simple 'mistake.' Conservative societies love punishing women. Whereas the men can run away and it's no burden on them.

If you can't look past this, it's very understandable. Do you have the money to support her son? Could he come to live with you and be part of this family you wanted to build? Do you have enough love to give? Tough choice. But she's been punished enough. Whatever you choose, don't be cruel about it.