'AITA for telling my wife I refuse to have more kids even though she wants to try for a girl?'
"AITAH for telling my wife I'm done having kids, and for what I said when she insisted?"
Me (m36) and my wife (32) have 2 boys together. My wife did have some gender disappointment with our second son (who is now a year old) as she really wanted a girl. She got over it quickly though. And I expressed after the birth of our second son that 2 was comfortable and enough for me and that I didn't want anymore kids.
Again, this was met with disappointment, but she ultimately said (financially and living space wise) that having more than 2 would be a hassle, and she got over it, though i still made it clear 2 was enough for me. I ended up getting a large promotion at work, and we recently bought a new place that has an extra bedroom (which I was happy for as I now have a proper office space. I work from home.
We are in the process of buying this property currently and haven't yet moved in) And she brought up the fact that now we have more money and an extra bedroom (quick point, she KNOWS this extra bedroom is for my office, not another child) that we could have another baby.
I again explained to her, 2 was enough for me, and that I still didn't want anymore kids. She got upset and told me how desperate she was for a girl. I told her realistically, even if we did, there was still a 50/50 chance of having another boy, I again, repeated myself, that I was done having kids, and that our 2 boys are enough.
She has continued to be upset and bring it up constantly and even got a little demanding about it, to a point where I had to get stern and tell her "PLEASE, drop it..I don't want anymore children."
Naturally she's told her friends, and they think i'm being selfish. Even my own mum thinks trying for another child that COULD be a girl would be a nice idea." But i don't know how many more times I can repeat myself!! I went on to say in front of one of her friends who was hounding me about or when she visited us a couple of days ago:
"Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot though? Say we had two girls, and i was demanding we keep having babies until we had a boy but she didn't want anymore kids. Can you IMAGINE the criticism I would receive being like that?" Me saying that was then met with even more backlash and I ended up leaving the room.
I DON'T WANT MORE CHILDREN. I've been SO clear about that since the birth of our second. AITA for telling my wife I'm done?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
BraveRefrigerator552 said:
NTA. I’d get a vasectomy.
NoDanaOnlyZuuI said:
NTA not wanting more kids is a completely valid boundary, and you’ve been consistent about it since your second son was born. If you don’t want more, that has to be respected.
You’re also not the a$$hole for what you said to her friend. You just pointed out a clear double standard: if you were the one pressuring her for “just one more” until you got the gender you wanted, people would call you selfish or controlling. Saying it out loud only made people uncomfortable because it’s true.
OP responded:
I would be lying if I said I haven't noticed online that when women suffer from gender disappointment, they're met with support, but when men express some standard gender disappointment (and i dont mean aggression or anything like that, because yes, thats totally unnecessary) they're usually met with backlash. So, thanks for understanding that the point I made was true! I just had to say it!
mmmkay938 said:
You say she “got over it” but she clearly hasn’t. She just stopped talking about it for a while.
Guilty_Power283 said:
NTA I think your marriage is over
OP responded:
Thank you. I wouldn't say my marriage is over though. I love her and she loves me, we're not breaking up over this. But she's just so upset, I think it's just suddenly really hit her that we're not going have anymore children (even though I've been transparent about that since his birth when it was first brought up.)
I should be clear. We have spoken since I said what I said. And she's said she does see my point, but it's going to take her some time to get over this. I told her to take the time she needs, and that I love her.
She said she loves me too. We're adults. We've been together for a long time, and we're not divorcing over this. But she needs time to process this, and I get that. I just wondered if people thought I was selfish or being TAH for this situation as a whole.
LayersOfOldPaint said:
How many (of which gender) kids did you agree on before you got married?
OP responded:
In regards to gender, we didn't, because you can't play God and choose. In regards to kids themselves, we said we wanted kids, if I remember correctly, "a couple of kids." Was thrown out casually.
NoDanaOnlyZuuI said:
NTA not wanting more kids is a completely valid boundary, and you’ve been consistent about it since your second son was born. If you don’t want more, that has to be respected.
You’re also not the asshole for what you said to her friend. You just pointed out a clear double standard: if you were the one pressuring her for “just one more” until you got the gender you wanted, people would call you selfish or controlling. Saying it out loud only made people uncomfortable because it’s true.
OP responded:
I would be lying if I said I haven't noticed online that when women suffer from gender disappointment, they're met with support, but when men express some standard gender disappointment (and i don't mean aggression or anything like that, because yes, thats totally unnecessary) they're usually met with backlash. So, thanks for understanding that the point I made was true! I just had to say it!