'AITA for telling my wife I want a divorce and don't trust her?'
"AITA for telling my wife I want a divorce and don't trust her?"
I (26m) got married to Eva (26f) last year and we've been together overall for 4 years. When Eva and I first met we dated a few times before committing and she was honest with me that she went on other dates and also had some one night stands with some guys before we decided to be together. She was upfront about it so I didn't have a problem with it.
It was after our wedding when Eva had some friends over and we were all hanging out that things started to change for me. Her friends were all talking about Eva's type and how I was so not it. Eva tried to get them off the topic but then they mentioned "Brennan" who's friends with Eva and the friends who were there that day, who she semi-regularly hangs out with in the group.
Brennan was one of the one night stands Eva had before we became a couple. And apparently he wants to be more than friends which when I asked her if it was true she confirmed. It's not just him either. There are two other guys who hang out with her and her friends, who she has pretty regular contact with and they're also interested in Eva and they flirt with her frequently.
She said she didn't see the harm in letting them flirt as long as she kept her boundaries firmly in place and she told me just because they're her regular type doesn't mean she'd cheat on me with any of them. Then she told me she wouldn't stop being friends with any of these guys and I would need to accept it.
I asked her would see be just as fine with it if I were still in contact with someone I slept with before who still liked me and was open about wanting to be with me. She told me I never did hookups or casual and I only did serious relationships so that would be different and she would not like me to be friends with my ex's.
I asked her to pretend I had a past hookup and we were friends. She got annoyed and told me I was trying to twist things. One of my problems with all of this was she was honest she went on other dates and had some one night stands but she never told me one was her friend. Add to that she's friends with guys who flirt with her and want to be with her. And she wouldn't answer how she'd feel in the reverse.
The other thing is she lets the flirting happen and even though she said she has boundaries in place, sometimes she looks and sounds like she's flirting back. Maybe that's my paranoia because I was blindsided by then Brennan thing.
But on a night out she was talking to friends about how exciting the party animal/slightly bad boy guys are and how attractive they were to her. That's not me at all and hearing her say that in front of these guys who fit that description and after everything else. I just lost my trust in her.
I mentioned the flirty stuff she says to the guys and she said it's not flirty they're just friends. So then I asked why she doesn't do that with her female friends she's known her whole life and she was silent. She doesn't fix her girl friends' hair or touch their arms or call them hot but she does all that with the guys.
I realized after that talk that I just don't trust her. Then after thinking about how dismissive she was when I tried to talk to her about it, I started to come to the conclusion that we just wouldn't work. I don't have an issue with her being friends with guys. But the only guys she's friends with are her usual type and she slept with one already and has a flirty relationship with them.
There's no way I would feel secure with that and I don't want this to become a toxic relationship. She already told me she won't stop being friends with them, which is fine. But I know I can't accept it after everything.
I told her a couple of weeks ago I want a divorce. She wanted to know why and I told her the truth, I don't trust her. She said it was a cop out and a poor reason to divorce but idk. I think it's better to end it now than wait for it to become something toxic/bad. But maybe I'm being a jerk about this whole thing. AITA?
This is what people had to say to OP:
PotentialDapper2891 said:
NTA. She is completely disregarding how you feel and she is flirting with other men without seeing any problem in t. She is not wife material. She can enjoy the flirt and interest of other men being single
OP responded:
Or find someone who doesn't mind flirting with others. That's not me. Especially when you know they want to be with you and have stated this and flirt with you regularly.
Glum_Craft_4652 said:
"she told me just because they're her regular type doesn't mean she'd cheat on me with any of them" Do you trust her with this statement? because I don't.
OP responded:
That wasn't as much of a red flag for me at first as her other statements and her refusal to answer about role reversal. But I can see where this statement was just another to add to the list now.
bobp929 said:
NTA but your wife is 100% the AH.
Everything about her screams red flag and that she will 100% cheat and then she'll gaslight you. She doesn't wanna give up her ONS and the other orbiters just tells you that she doesn't give a shit about you or your marriage. Stop being nice about it and tell her that she is 100% a walking red flag and isn't wife material
notAugustbutordinary said:
To me a ONS is someone who doesn’t remain in your life. These are FWBs. I think if she had been honest about that early on and said she wasn’t prepared to stop her inappropriate behaviour towards them, you would never have got married.
Her response doesn’t exactly show that she was willing to change her behavior in any way to try and save your marriage. She can say you are insecure but considering the lies of omission and ongoing behaviour you have every reason to be. Get the legal process moving.
OP responded:
To me FWB means it was more than a one time thing but I can see where that difference comes in for you. ONS still fits to me but it's weird to stay friends and flirty after that point. To me that screams it could happen again because why else would you not nip the flirting and the I wanna be with you in the bud.
And Complete-Ad-8706 said:
NTA - Simply put. You decide. It's your life and you need to feel comfortable. She clearly dismissed your feelings multiple times so... Protect your peace. I wish you all the best