'AITA for telling my wife I won't be as stressed out next year because I won't be married to her?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my wife I won't be as stressed out next year because I won't be married to her?"
I've (32M) been married to my wife Jen (32f) for a little over 7 years now. Up until about two years ago, things were great. However, a disastrous move, a few family emergencies, and a totaled car have left us in a terrible financial situation. All our savings are pretty much gone, 401k's empty, and we're hemorrhaging money.
Before we bought our house 2 years ago, things were amazing financially. We made the mistake of buying a nice 3-bedroom house because we planned on having kids. Those plans, thankfully, got put on the back burner because adding a kid into this mess right now would kill us.
It's not really a mystery why things are like this. Jen and I are both underpaid at our jobs, and we moved into a high-cost-of-living area like morons. Last December, I told Jen one of two things needed to happen: We either sell the house or start making more money.
The latter would most definitely mean finding new jobs that would pay us a market rate. Jen pushed back on this because she loved the house and her current job. I told her she had to choose one and couldn't have it both ways and after a week of arguing, she agreed we would look for new jobs.
It's been almost six months now. Last Friday, I signed an offer for a new job. It's over a 35k raise for me. Jen, however, has done nothing. In January, she asked for a raise in the market rate and was very disrespectfully told by her manager that she was not worth that.
She was shown the door to leave if she wasn't happy. Jen has taken this as her putting in the effort and done nothing else. Telling me we should wait and see what happens with my job search. I'm not happy about this, when I came home Friday and told her I got the job, she got pissy because I clarified this does not mean she can stay at her job.
We fought again, and I told her that this would mean we only stop hemorrhaging money on the house. We will be able to save only a little and would still not be close to refilling our 401k's. Kids, the whole reason we got this damn house would be entirely off the table.
We haven't talked much since then. yesterday, her parents visited for dinner. Despite my best efforts to keep them out of it, Jen announced my new job to her parents by saying maybe I'll stop "complaining about money" once I start.
I don't know why I said it, but I replied with, "Oh, don't worry, Jen. I won't have to worry about money a year from now because we'll be divorced by then." Things got quiet real quick after, and I excused myself. Her parents left shortly after, and she slept on the couch to avoid talking to me.
I've not talked to Jen or her parents since last night. Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
throwawtphone said:
ESH. She started the battle by announcing at dinner to her parents your new job by saying "maybe now you will stop complaining about money" she knew what she was doing.
Then you dropped a nuke and won the battle but also scorched the earth. But you probably will be divorced anyways because you guys are financially unfit and incompatible. She is never leaving that job.
ImAScatMAnn said:
ESH. You - I'm not even certain if you want a divorce, so it wasn't like you were dropping news like some comments are claiming. What you did wrong was attack your wife because you felt attacked.
Your wife - She needs to understand that as a married couple, there needs to be some level of compromise. You can just say I love the way things are so even though things are bad, I want it to remain this way, and you have to accept it. Then on top of that, she chose to announce that you got a new job in a way the invalidates all your arguments about the finances.
Honestly, though, Honestly, I think this blowup may be a blessing in disguise for the both of you. You needed to have a straight conversation with her that you can't maintain this marriage if it continues like this. She needs to know how serious you feel about it.
You've tried talking to her, you've tried reasoning with her, and she hasn't listened. Should you have communicated better about how close to the brink of wanting a divorce you were? Absolutely, and. Though your outburst wasn't the best way to communicate your frustrations, it is still better than you holding it in until one day she is blindsided with divorce papers.
What's done is done, and you can't go back. What you can do is make use of the current situation. Think about how much of this you can take. How much you are willing to compromise, and how much you need in return.
Express your frustrations and have the conversation of what she wants and what she's willing to do to maintain a happy marriage with you. If at the end you both still can't meet, then you have your answer.
ButterscotchMafia said:
OP, you’re done. Believe me. Might not be straight away, but it’s over. Under no circumstances should a married person say they want a divorce unless they actually want one. My ex husband told me he wanted one, so I filed. He’s blamed me ever since, “you weren’t supposed to actually file." Threaten divorce and you’re sure as sh^t getting one.
Serious_Internet6478 said:
The marriage is over dude. Just go ahead and put the house on the market. Edit: I genuinely wonder how you are genuinely wondering if saying that you're getting divorced in front of her parents during a dinner will lead to problems in a relationship. You took it out back and shot it yourself.
celticmusebooks said:
Dude, you announced in front of her parents that you intend to divorce her-- in what universe is your marriage not irreparably damaged???
UPDATE:
Yeah, I messed up. People are rightfully tearing into me for wondering if this marriage didn't end when those words came from my mouth. I went to Jen last night to talk, and she refused to even say a word to me. She ended up locking herself in our bedroom and finally told me to go away. I'm scheduling some consultations with divorce attorneys today.
Some people are asking about car accidents and family emergencies, mostly blaming me for them. The car was neither of our faults. An uninsured driver hit my wife's fully paid-off car. Insurance gave us peanuts.
The family emergencies were a handful of things that were just unluckily close to each other. I don't think you can really assign blame to these kinds of things. People will probably say I'm covering my a&s or something and still blame me. Whatever. The big f up was the house, which I was 50% responsible for.
Before I wrote this post, I probably should have admitted to myself that I spoke my feelings at dinner and got my wish.