'AITA for telling my wife it is time she went back to work?' + UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my wife it is time she went back to work?"
GeorgiaPowert
My wife has been out of work since 2019, she had a mental break down during her fifth year of teaching. She has been going to therapy since, and we started marriage counseling during Covid. The reason for marriage counseling was because she thought I was pushing her too hard to go back to work before her and her therapist thought she was ready.
I tried to explain many times that was not my intent but realistically speaking for me to keep up with expenses, and retirement contributions I pretty much have to take on extra shifts which sometimes clock in over 18 hours a day, and on average I have been pulling 84 hour weeks. I have been doing this since she stopped working.
We recently had a fight cause I had an extremely rough week and had the conversation again about her going back to work. She opened up with the same line she always does: "We do not feel it is the right time yet, she feels I have made great progress and if I rush it I run the risk of losing it."
The we being her and therapist. I told her I really do not give a darn what her therapist has to say, and I am sick of you hiding behind her words whenever this topic comes up.
She started to cry, telling me she does not like being this way either and I am belittling her due to suffering from mental health issues. I replied saying I do not indeed to belittle you or not take your issues seriously problem is I am running myself ragged, and what happens if I have a mental break? Do you think I will have the luxury of not working? No, I will have to push through my demons.
She said her therapist warned her this would happen sooner or later I would try to manipulate her into doing something she was not ready to do. This is when I really lost it and just let it all out.
I did not say anything kind. I told her she insults me for thinking what I am doing is manipulation. I told her I am working these extra shifts so she can be home and BS playing games.
I told during this entire time you have not even made an effort to improve on certain skills, I told her she can still not cook to save her life, and that was sick of coming home after 12 or 18 hour days just make us dinner cause her idea of making dinner is pretty a pre-made in the oven or ordering out.
Among other things, that said she stormed out the house crying yelling and shouting how I am a piece of trash, and rather see myself comfortable verse her getting better. So here I am, I do not feel at the core I am wrong, and while what I said was harsh I think it did have to be said. So, was I the AH here?
Hey I appreciate the replies, going to leave a quick update to answer and clarify what I can.
I apologize if I miss something. Thank nonetheless.
Yes, I have been to a couple of sessions with my wife and her therapist. To be honest, it largely felt I was getting ganged up on. My wife brought up how I was always tired, so I explained I am working harder to maintain our home.
When I suggested part time work would allow me to work less, their counter suggestion was to cut things like saving for retirement, and hold off on paying off debt, and tackle such things after my wife gets better.
Then I suggest renting out the house to cover the mortgage and we downsize to an apartment. Her therapist said such a drastic change to her environment could have a negative impact on her depression, and advises against such major life changing events.
During another session she brought up how my suggestion she tries cooking to save is money so we do not order so much. She felt insulted because in terms of money coming in I am making slightly more then our combined income, and she was able to cover her expenses so she does not understand why we are having such a hard time.
I was honest, it has less to do with money per-se and more so the fact the amount of hours I have to work to maintain the income. I told her I pretty much am working two fulltime jobs.
The cooking or doing things around the house was dropped fairly quickly and became a critic on how I cannot mange money since I am making more, yet I never had issues when she was working with how she spent.
More or less every session became what I could do to help my wife, and I get it her therapist has to look out for my wife and generally my concerns are small compared to my wife's. My wife is not a huge fan of our marriage counselor because she offers suggestions that go against her therapist.
My friend has also suggested I speak with a lawyer to see exactly what my options are. After reading many of the comments and thinking back on everything I think I am going to do that. I love my wife and I know she is sick but I am good to no one if I keep up this pace.
Thank you so much for the replies and advice, was a slow morning only had one field call so I was looking over the thread with a colleague and close friend. After talking I have decided to put in a request for two weeks vacation.
During that time I am going to relax with my friends play some Baldurs Gate 3 and also get my act together. Going to speak with a lawyer and see what my options are cause I was young and dumb and much of her debt is mine because I cosigned and have a joint account.
I will go to the doctor for the first time in four years and make sense everything is still working as it should. During this time my friend said I could crash at their place, so I am going to take him up on that offer.
This will be my final post here though, going over this I made this post for all the wrong reasons. This is something that should not have been posted publicly and I was petty for that.
Even so, I thank everyone because a lot of what was said was what I needed to hear. I do not have much in terms of a family both my parents passed. Thanks for the tough love. Something has to change, and if my wife is unable, I have to do it.
I am young, I should be enjoying my life I am not even 30 yet, as my friend said. I aged so much in these last five years, it is scary. My friend showed me pictures from before all this happened. I want to go back to the person I was then. I agree I was the AH for what I said, but I do not regret it it was a wake-up call I needed.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Dipshitistan
I have two words for you: Di. Vorce. Your wife is weaponizing incompetence and just expecting you to be happy with it. Just tell her you're not going to try to convince her to work anymore, but you will no longer be part of her support system. Then serve her with papers.
Daymub
5 years is a lot of time to pull yourself back together.
Icy-Cockroach4515
"My wife is not a huge fan of our marriage counselor because she offers suggestions that go against her therapist."
Gee, I wonder why. It doesn't have anything to do with how one is enabling her and the other isn't, right? Right?
sanjuniperose
Feels like the therapist is kind of sus; wouldn’t a good one try to build up the wife to be able to work again? It feels like the therapist is enabling the wife being coddled. I hope she doesn’t give OP a hard time for “neglecting his responsibilities” during his vacation.
whimsical_trash
That therapist is ABSOLUTELY sus. So many red flags. A good therapist doesn't tell you what you're capable of. Hell a good therapist barely tells you anything. They guide you towards telling it yourself.