'AITA for telling my wife my childhood friend will never forgive her for what she did?'
"AITA for telling my wife my childhood friend will never forgive her for what she did?"
My wife (32F) and I (34M) have been married for 6 years, together for 10. We have a 4 year old son. A few years ago, my close childhood friend (34F) got married. We’ve been extremely close since we were kids, both our families were dysfunctional in different ways.
At one point, my dad cheated on my mom with her mom, they got married, divorced a year later, and we basically ended up abandoned by both sides. Through all that, we became really close with each other. She even has 2 tattoos that relate to our bond, I would have gotten a tattoo too but I’m sort of scared of needles.
My wife was actually close to my friend too, and never showed signs of being insecure about our friendship, until postpartum hit. After our son was born, she really struggled. Her emotions were all over the place, and she became extremely insecure about my relationship with my friend.
I was supposed to be Man of Honor at my friend’s wedding, help plan things, and be a big part of the ceremony. But my wife was so anxious and uncomfortable, she begged me not to attend.
It made me really sad, but I chose my wife. I told my friend I couldn’t go and told her why. She was really hurt by it. Not angry, just really sad, but said she understood. A couple months later, my wife fully recovered and apologized, both to me and to my friend. I forgave her. My friend, however, didn’t.
When my wife reached out to my friend to apologize, my friend was polite but direct. She said she never wanted to speak to her again. She didn’t yell or make a scene, she just drew a boundary. Honestly, I get it. It was a once-in-a-lifetime day, and she’d leaned on me for years, and I bailed. I still feel guilty about it.
My friend and I still talk regularly. Nothing inappropriate, we’re just close, always have been. Recently, my wife asked if there was any chance my friend would forgive her. I told her the truth: no. That ship sailed. My wife got sort of quiet and looked sad and hasn’t brought it up again, but I wonder if I was too blunt. AITA for not giving my wife hope and just telling her forgiveness probably isn’t happening?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
isitpurple said:
Asking out of genuine curiosity. How is this going to work? Is your bestie gonna skip all life milestones and celebrations on your end? Or is it expected that she will be there and your wife is uncomfortable? Is it safe to assume your bestie isn't involved in your child's life? I'm just trying to fully understand the situation.
OP responded:
Surprisingly, it doesn’t actually change too much. We’ve always had our own little way of celebrating milestones, just the two of us. Like for birthdays, promotions, or any personal wins, we usually do something simple but meaningful like grabbing dinner at our favorite spot, exchanging gifts, or just spending a few hours catching up.
That’s always been our tradition, even before we had other people in our lives. Obviously, the bigger get-togethers with all four of us (me, my wife, her, her husband) won’t be happening anymore, but those weren’t really the core of our friendship.
She’s not involved in my child’s life, and I’m not looking to be involved in her future kid’s life either. We actually agreed a while back that keeping our friendship separate from family stuff was the healthiest way to go, too many complications otherwise. And yeah, my wife and her used to hang out occasionally, but that part of things has naturally ended now.
tiredfostermama said:
I think the tough part is that a mental health issue can explain behavior but can’t rewrite the past. The things that happened due to ppd still happened.
IthacaMom2005 said:
You're NTA, but before I read this i thought your wife had done something truly heinous. She was in the grip of PPD, and it's not as though you had to cut your friend off forever honestly.
yakkerswasneverhere said:
Your wife's mental health episodes after birth should not be held over her head for the rest of her life. Sure it was massively inconvenient, but these episodes never happen at convenient times. I'm happy she got better and owned up to it. That is more of a positive than you will ever know.
There is something that's bothering me though. Let me ask you this....if your wife had cancer and the same type of emotional responses happened, would you still think your friend should cut her off? What about a stroke that can temporarily change cognitive functions? What about......I could go on but I hope you see my point.
In my view, your wife went through something that physically/medically altered her mental state and mental health. This wasn't a bad day....this was chemical and hormonal changes causing imbalances culminating in a mental health crisis from giving birth to YOUR child. Sure you missed an event, but your wife was missing her soul with no warning while welcoming the new life she just pushed out.
If your friend can't see this was a family crisis that needed you, is she really the friend you say she is?? If you can't see it, are you really the support you think you are?? When you say you prioritized your wife, go all the way with that dude. It shouldn't stop just because your friend can't understand your family will always take priority.
3kids_nomoney said:
NTA - postpartum is not for the weak. This situation needs to be moved on from, for her mental health she needs to move on mainly . Especially when asking for forgiveness… Surprising your friend still speaks with you. And I’m surprised you still speak to her.
Affectionate-Play436 said:
You threw your wife under the bus? If you were choosing to keep your wife comfortable, you should have told your friend a different reason for not attending without blaming your wife. That should have stayed between you and your wife. I do think YTA for that. You should have had her back.