'AITA for telling my wife that my daughter and I are going on vacation with or without her?'

"AITA for telling my wife that my daughter and I are going on vacation with or without her?"

I (45m) and my wife (40f) (married 15 years) have not had a great relationship with my family. Recently an opportunity arose allowing us all to go to Hawaii for 10 days. We are from the Midwest and not rich by any means so this is most likely our last/only opportunity to go visit the islands. Our flights and lodging would be paid for, we just have to pay for our food, actives and local travel (car rental, Uber, etc).

Our daughter (6, will be 7 before the trip) loves everybody, and especially one of the cousins that would be going on the trip. My wife has always had anxiety issues and specifically flight anxiety.

A week after saying she would go has started having panic attacks and crying fits because she "cannot do this long of a flight" I tell her that is fine, however, our daughter and I are going because this is my last opportunity to go and may be our daughters only chance. Wife says she cannot go that long without our daughter which causes her more anxiety.

I suggested going to the doctor to ask for medication to help with the flight when it happens (March), but she is suffering now, when I suggest asking the doctor about meds for now she says that she would then have anxiety about the withdrawal symptoms of coming off those medications after the trip.

This is really the only time I have made a decision like this and was unwilling to move off of it. I feel horrible for my wife but I also believe it's best for my daughter. So AITAH and should rethink going on this trip without my wife, or should I keep the tickets hoping she will go with us and if she doesn't go keep in contact with her via FaceTime and pictures?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

iamderangedwolf said:

NTA. Her anxiety is a real issue, but it's not fair for her to hold your daughter back from a once-in-a-lifetime experience. The fear of withdrawal from a short term prescription sounds like an excuse to avoid dealing with the actual problem. You're doing the right thing for your kid.

spirosoflondon said:

NTA her anxiety is her issue and her daughter's life should not be negatively impacted by it.

bodoboi said:

Your wife's anxiety is valid but she's had plenty of time to address it before the trip in March. This is a rare opportunity for your daughter to experience Hawaii and bond with family. Maybe suggest your wife talk to a therapist who specializes in flight anxiety rather than just medication? There are specific techniques they teach for this exact situation.

Either way, don't let your daughter miss out on memories she could cherish forever just because your wife refuses to get help for her anxiety. The fact that she's rejecting all solutions makes me think there might be something else going on. NTA.

TurbulentSource8837 said:

I’m wondering why you feel like you “need to tell her” that she’s not going for a trip in March?? Either let her make that choice herself, or give her a deadline when a decision has to be made.

And OP responded:

I don't recall telling her she cannot go, but if I did that was completely a mistake. The decision for her to go is completely on her now. The urgency getting the tickets and the family making plans and their deadlines, not mine really.

Also, I am fairly certain this is my last opportunity, my daughter may be a globe Trotter one day, who knows. In case she isn't, or gets the crippling anxiety condition that her mother suffers from, I can get her this trip and these memories. That is what I am truly after. If I never get to go, yeah it would be a bummer, but if I truly believed it was what's best for my daughter I would stay home.

YourMomIsAlwaysRight said:

NTA and if I can make a suggestion would you consider writing down your many offers to help in a sort of laundry list? She may be overwhelmed and unable to process the many steps to an answer but, if you organize then options for her in a matter of fact way, she may be more receptive.

If it’s real true anxiety then getting a mental health professional to help is key. It doesn’t sound like a way to get you and your daughter to suffer with her, is it?

And OP responded:

Fair suggestion on the list. I can see where she may have been overwhelmed and flustered in her panic attack that she was just shutting down everything. Thank you.

Active_Procedure_297 asked:

Nobody seems to be addressing your very first sentence. Could you elaborate about your wife’s relationship with your family? I get a feeling this is less about the flight and more about being trapped on an island for an extended time with people who cause anxiety.

And OP responded:

It's not just her relationship with them, it's mine and her relationship with them has been rocky for years. A lot of gaslightling and manipulation from them for years. Others have seen this behavior in them towards me well before I was even dating my wife, but I was young and ignored everything that wasn't placed right in front of me. But looking back, it was really messed up.

Top-Spite-1288 said:

NTA - Your wife sure has anxiety issues ... it's not even about the flight itself. On a side note: it might not even be anxiety, but manipulation. You said you haven't had a great relationship with your family, so maybe your wife overplays her anxiety in order to keep you guys from going?

Is it possible that she tries to keep you from the family she can not stand? You said this might be a one-in a lifetime chance for you. What your wife is probably unintentionally doing here: causing you to have growing resentment towards her, as every solution you bring up is immediately being shot down.

Trip to Hawaii? No! Wife has scare of flying. Get medication? No! Wife is scared now! Ask doctor? No! Get medication for scare now? No! Stay behind and OP travels with daughter? No! Wife can't be without her daughter!

Only solution: miss out on the trip, grow resentment towards your wife! I bet she did not even realise that danger!

OP responded:

Not to get into it too deep, my family tends to not be super nice to me. A lot of gaslighting and manipulation from them over my entire life span. I actually made the decision to go no contact with them for about 3 years after my half brother died of an OD and they didnt so much as call to see if I was okay.

Then, I realized that I would have regrets if/when they died and it wasn't fair to my daughter to not know them. They treat her good and she loves them very much. Yeah, that side of the family is messy

Later OP came back with this edit and update:

Edit for addition information: Wife and daughter have both flown before. This past February was my daughter's first plane trip and she did amazing. My wife was nervous but handled the 2 hour trip just fine. No overwhelming anxiety or panic attacks. That trip was to DisneyWorld with this same people and family the Hawaii trip is planned with.

The issue with my family are feelings both my wife and I share, not her solely her issues with my family, our issues with them. To be broad about the situation they have been less than ideal in key moments in my life.

tiny update as all this happened last night and I WFH: On lunch I talked with my wife, this conversation went way better than last night during the panic attack. Much more calm and she was much more receptive to suggestions. I suggested therapy again and was met with "we cannot afford it" and I countered with "I will find a way to afford it so you can have the tools you need to process your anxiety."

Then with we dont have time, to which I replied I have vacation days and a boss that is super flexible with my working hours.

The mentioned talking to her pcp about taking another look at her medications, to which she has an appointment later this month for general checkup and said she will talk to the Dr then about the medications and her anxiety.

Thanks to this thread I even mentioned CBD, which I didnt get a reaction but that could be a good thing as it wasn't an outright refusal.

So no real decisions have been made but I did get some really good points made to me on here. Some guiding me on how to approach her on this and how she may feel in order to empathize. Some posts encouraging me that holding a boundary for the first time is difficult and uncomfortable.

Some posts offering suggestions on different approaches to suggest to her to help cope. I want to thank each of you, even the ones with yta, for your feedback. There was one or two posts that were misguided but I thank them anyway.

If/when there are more updates I will edit to add more. Kinda new to reddit so if there is a way that I should be updating besides editing the original please educate me. 😀