'AITA for telling my wife she needs to clean the house?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my wife she needs to clean the house?"
Context: been married 13 years, have three kids. I have been fully employed for 16 years, with only a 2 months gap in my resume when I was laid off a couple years ago, sometimes I worked extra part time jobs when money got tight from debt and stuff.
Issue: From the beginning of marriage my wife made a strong point that I carry my weight around the house. Chores split 50/50, which I’ve kept up on, and even cook dinners most nights, while my wife was a SAHM, nothing else. She hasn’t had to have a job our entire marriage, until now.
Two months in her full-time job and she’s stopped doing anything around the house. I’m now doing the all the cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, prepping the meals, taking the kids to and from childcare. She gets full access to her phone at work (a 100% desk job), and spends all her time at home scrolling or talking to friends or her family.
The kids keep trying to get her to engage and play, but she blows them off saying she’s too tired. She pushes me away too. Last night I’m dealing with a tantrum, and a bowl of soup on the floor and she’s on the phone with her friend talking about how hard it is to be a mom while working full time.
I muttered “It’s hard to be a mom when you’re busy hiding from being a mom.” She heard me and starts b**hing to her friend about what I said and she’ll call her back. I tell her she need to step up and help out around the house and she starts yelling that I’m a useless college dropout and she’s having to pick up my slack to provide for the family.
I point out I’ve worked two jobs at the same time and still managed to help out around the house the entire time, she gets one full time job sitting around and suddenly can’t load a dishwasher. Now she won’t even talk to me, not that she really did the past month anyway, but she slept on the couch last night too, probably will again tonight by the way she won’t even look at me.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
burritogoals wrote:
NTA. You are headed for divorce, but I suspect that will be better for you anyhow.
OP responded:
That’s what I’m thinking too unfortunately.
Over_Bag3628 wrote:
NTA. While some grace is warranted with the change of dynamics that a new job brings, it still needs to be 50-50. Also her resorting to insulting you is a major red flag.
OP responded:
Yeah, I’m still pretty pissed about that. Sadly it’s not the first time she’s brought it up.
NinjaHidingInTheOpen wrote:
I give you the same advice I've given the many, many women I know who find themselves doing 100% of the cooking, cleaning and parenting while working a full time job. Stop doing 100%. Stop doing their washing, cooking, laundry, everything that benefits only your partner, stop doing.
Let your partner know that if you divorce, they'll have to do 100% at their place, with 50/50 parenting and no other adult to pick up the slack. That judges do not take kindly to people who quit their job to avoid child support or to get more child support. That they need to have the same respect for you that you've been showing them. NTA.
OP responded:
This is excellent advice! I’m gonna let her simmer a bit and bring this up.
ComprehensiveSet927 wrote:
NTA. Stop yelling at each other in front of the kids.
OP responded:
… yeah…
Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.
UPDATE: Guess word travels fast, THANKS Audrey!!! No I’m not going to change the details, if she’s pissed that I publicly aired out our laundry then maybe she needs to wash her own.
UPDATE 2: I was told to add this context. Wife and her friends were telling each other the outfits they wanted, then buy it for each other on secret credit cards, then tell us husbands one reason or another friend X gave them the outfit.
After I caught on a few months ago it was explained like this: "It's showing how much we appreciate each other, it's a gift so it can't be returned, and as a gift it's practically free. Girl math." To the tune of over $6000 a year each is what I calculated. Now a solid portion of what she earns is going toward paying that down each month. The rest is going to medical bills and car repairs.
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
inevitable-divide933 wrote:
Ask her what has changed in your home and relationship since she started working. If you both split the chores and child rearing previously, then there’s no logic behind her decision to ignore everyone and everything in the home, dumping everything on you. If she doesn’t come around, then counseling is the next step.
OP responded:
She does resent it yes…
chaos-pand4 wrote:
If you’re working full time (or overtime), and she’s a SAHP then a 50/50 chore split is not an equitable split ALREADY, IMO. The POINT of a SAHP is to look after the kids and household while the working parent is earning income, rather than having both parents work and having to pay out for childcare and/or housework.
It obviously doesn’t exempt the WP from every household chore, but one person doesn’t get to sit on their thumbs all day while the other one works and then expect a 50/50 chore split. That’s stupid.
NOW she is working and a 50/50 chore split IS fair. And whether she’s tired or not she doesn’t get to just not hold up her end. Yes. You have to work AND clean your house AND look after your kids. It’s called being an adult. If she doesn’t like this arrangement she should think on how much more she’ll have to do as a single parent. NTA.
Spiniggy wrote:
You all are giving the wife way too much slack. As a SAHM, her job was the house and kids, yet OP did 50% of her job. Now she has a job and is doing zero % of the house. She's a screaming hypocrite. It doesn't matter if she doesn't want to work, is emotionality exhausted or any other excuse.
She is an adult, and she needs to live up to her 50% of the responsibilities she has. It's way past time for her to pull her weight since OP would work 2 jobs and still do his part around the house.