'AITA for telling my wife to marry her therapist because I am done?'

"AITA for telling my wife to marry her expletive therapist because I am expletive done?"

After our oldest son was born, my wife decided to not return from maternity leave and be a stay at home mom. Six months later, we started noticing missed milestones and other concerns. We expressed our concerns to his pediatrician, who said milestones were just guidelines and not to worry.

Around this time my wife started to get anxious and frustrated more and more. She said something was wrong with our son and we needed to help him.

We went to a second pediatrician, who gave us take home evaluations to do. They stressed out my wife, who said she couldn't fill them out because she was afraid of accidentally answering wrong. I did my best to fill them out, but since she was the stay at home parent, I needed her help on certain parts, because some questions were phrased "how many times per day xyz..."

I needed information from her to answer that. She got very frustrated during this process and said I wasn't supporting her.

The pediatrician diagnosed our son as autistic when he was almost two. My wife was upset by this, and the pediatrician recommended she see a therapist, as parents of autistic children sometimes struggle, especially the parent who spends the most time with the child. In some ways that's the last time I ever saw my wife. Her frustration and anxiety only got worse.

She's a completely different person now. She only communicates in therapy speak, and she acts like her therapist is God and she is her prophet, carrying her commandments to me from on high to defy at my own risk.

Here is an example of some of the insane things her therapist has apparently told her over the years. Our son is manipulative (he was three when she said this) because he intentionally withholds affection. I am manipulative because I cancelled a date with her after she called me a loser and I didn't want to spend the evening with her.

I am manipulative because I told her I didn't want to sleep with her after an argument to "punish her" (fights don't make me want to be intimate, but that's my fault I guess). I am financially controlling because I told her I didn't think we could afford another baby (that we ended up having anyway because she wore me down).

I am physically controlling because I put my arm out to stop her from walking into the kitchen when I was sweeping glass off the floor. Our son is aggressive because he accidentally kicked her while throwing a tantrum (he was five). Those are just a few examples. I have more, but the post is already too long.

As I mentioned, she wanted to have another baby. I thought it was a bad idea. I have actually been trying to convince her to go back to work so we can afford specialized care for our son, but even bringing up the idea is, you guessed it, manipulative and controlling. Well, we had the baby, which I thought was a bad idea, but that's in the past now.

Our second son turns a year old soon, and for the past year my wife has acted like our older son and I are the enemy forces against her and our younger son. She no longer is providing our older son with any care.

I had to scale back at work so I could drop him off and pick him up from school, but that wasn't sustainable. We were bleeding money. I finally found an after school program for him, which is expensive, but it allowed me to work the hours I need to.

I told my wife it's not fair to our older son to ignore him and treat him like he isn't around. Obviously the baby needs more attention, but it's wrong not to give our older child any. It also isn't fair to me, because I hardly ever get to interact with our younger child since I have to do all the care for our older child and she always has the younger.

She said her therapist told her that in a way our older son actually is the disease that replaced our first baby. I said I don't care about her therapist. This is about our family, and she is neglecting us. She said her therapist said neglect was a weaponized term. I told her to marry her effing therapist because I am effing done. I told her I am filing for divorce.

She lost it when I said that. She said I can't talk about her therapist like that. I'm trying to alienate her from her support person, and that's mistreatment. I talked to my friend who is a lawyer to get a recommendation for a divorce lawyer, and he told me it's an a$$hole thing to do to insult her therapist, because therapy is important and it's not the therapist who told her to neglect our kid (hopefully).

This therapist ruined my marriage and turned my wife into a crazy person. How am I wrong for insulting that? But if my own friend disagrees, I guess I might need a reality check.

This is what people had to say to OP:

FartMasterChamp said:

NTA. You're a far better person than me because I would have gone nuclear a long time ago. I say that as a woman. It should have been over the moment she started neglecting your older son. Looks like she just wanted to discard him and have a do over baby.

What an absolute monster. Well at first I thought the neglect was maybe a symptom of postpartum depression or something like it. But now it's been a year and the neglect has been permanent. So I have to act.

OP responded:

Well at first I thought the neglect was maybe a symptom of postpartum depression or something like it. But now it's been a year and the neglect has been permanent. So I have to act.

Beautiful-Peak399 said:

NTA and I'm sorry you're going through this. The answer is probably no, but would she consider seeing a different therapist to save the marriage?

OP responded:

Absolutely not. She loves that therapist more than anyone, including me and both of our children. If she even still loves me and our older son at all.

NefariousnessOk171 said:

NTA. Either she’s misinterpreting the help the therapist is providing or the therapist is a lunatic. Get a divorce.

Finicky-phatgurl said:

Start documenting everything. Screenshots, get videos of how she behaves towards you and your kids. She is NOT a safe place for your child right now or you. Get your kids, both of them, and get out.

OP responded:

I'm not leaving the house. My older son wouldn't be able to handle moving. She is going to have to be the one to go. I will record videos of her behavior, but I don't think it will be necessary. I have so many text conversations and witnesses that attest to her actions.

Pleasant-Koala147 said:

I think you need to contact the therapist and ask to meet her again. One of the issues with therapy is the therapist can only advise on what they hear from the patient (so if your wife isn’t telling the therapist the full story, or even the truth, that will sway the advice).

It also sounds like your wife might be putting her own spin on what the therapist is saying to validate her feelings. Are you sure the therapist has even actually said any of these things to her?

OP responded:

No offense, but the therapist is nothing to me. I have no need to contact her. Either she's a monster, and my wife let her destroy our family, or she's a nice normal person and my wife decided to destroy our family on her own. Both options lead to me divorcing my wife.