'AITA for telling my wife we aren't getting a new car until she gets a job?'
"AITA for telling my wife we aren't getting a new car until she gets a job?"
My wife is a SAHM to our two kids ages 15 and 13. I do most of the budgeting and finances, but try to involve her, but she's simply "not interested" she says. We are comfortable financially, mostly because I've always avoided debt and been frugal, we also live in a low cost city, which helps a lot.
My wife is the spender between us and it seems she's always pushing the limits and wanting to spend more on lifestyle, mostly for her, like makeup, eyelashes, haircare, face creams, nails, waxing, etc.
We set a budget of $800 for each of us to spend on whatever we want, but she always uses hers up, then wants me to pay for takeout or buy her things on amazon because "I don't even spend much." It's true, I mostly garden, hike, bike, read, but I do save up sometimes for big ticket items like a new kindle or scribe, or a new bike.
I've explained that it's not fair for her to ask for my spending money, just because she spends hers quickly. Well, recently we paid off our mortgage, because I had been paying extra every month and she said "Good, now we can buy a new car" I refused and said that money is going towards our investment accounts so we can have a comfortable retirement.
When we met, we always talked about retiring early and traveling the world, and we still have regular conversations about it, so I don't think she's changed her mind, unless it was in the past month.
Anyway, she was mad saying that I was a "tight-wad" and that why do we need to save so much in retirement accounts if "we can die tomorrow." One of our cars is a 2017 and the other is a 2014, we paid for both in cash when we bought them and they've been nothing but reliable.
She said our cars were "old" and that she wants a new one and seems pretty set on the idea. I told her "fine, we can buy a new car once you get a job and you've been working for at least a year" she was furious with that comment and said i was an AH and a cheapskate.
I told her look, I only want what's best for our future, and the kids will be starting college soon and we need to save more for that too, plus maybe once they go to college in a few years we can get a nice used car in cash if we start saving for it now.
She didn't like that response either and is now giving me the silent treatment. I feel like I'm the responsible villain and she is the happy go lucky one that has no care in the world.
For reference, our income is 140,000 and we are in our mid-30s, she's never held a job because she's always been a SAHM, so paying off the mortgage to me is a huge relief, and i want to put that extra money to good use. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. If you have 2 cars that run perfectly fine a new car is unnecessary.
This. Plus why is your wife staying at home when the kids older now? Does she plan to start working when they both get to high school?
Why would she want to work when she has everything paid for? Why do you think she spends the money so quickly? Its because she has lots of free time to spend it.
"we can die tomorrow."
Am I the only one who read that and thought she missed the point? Sole breadwinner dies, what’s left? Savings.
FarmerAdventurous453 (OP)
That's true, I would've pointed it out if i would've caught it. Makes a great point.
She's already effectively retired. Why would she much care about early retirement?
NTA. Considering you’re also supporting two kids plus you have to put them through college. Also $140K is a nice salary but it’s not the mother lode either especially you’re the only one working and things are expensive. Also what if you’re laid off? And ageism is a thing even though you have a while for that possibly being an issue. Bottom line you just don’t know what’s going to happen.
Tell your wife with college costs down the road and retirement you need to save the extra money. You could also tell her if she wants a new car then you’ll use her $800 toward it. Or as you said she can get a job. Your spoiled wife has no idea how good she has it.
You two are well into needing marriage counseling territory. A financial mismatch can be deadly in a relationship. Btw, it is ridiculous for her to still be a SAHM when your kids are that old.
NTA. I think wife needs to imagine things from another perspective. There is no version of her that’s a SAHM without the version of you who works. I think being a SAHM is a valid job, but it’s a team effort between you two, not a competition. I don’t know what she’s shopping for on Amazon, but maybe she can wait until the next month when her $800 is replenished! That’s what the rest of us do 🤣
Plus, with a 15 y/o you’ll have another driver soon (maybe). Might be worth it to hold on to those 2014/2017 vehicles for them. Ultimatums are tricky in relationships but I feel like asking her to work for the car isn’t the worst idea. New cars, eye lashes, whatever it is on Amazon, it’s not going anywhere. If she wants it badly enough, she can work or just wait 🤷🏻♀️
I think your offer was PERFECTLY reasonable. With kids that age there's no need for a SAHM. She needs to get back in the workforce and start building some SS credits and hopefully some pension benefits as well.
Hard NO on a new car when that money should be going into college savings for your kids. HARD NO on her bullying you for extra "allowance" when she spends hers so recklessly. Your wife's retirement plan seems to be lazing around while you work until you're seventy.