'AITA for telling my wife’s stepdad our newborn son isn’t calling him ‘father?'
"AITA for telling my wife’s stepdad our newborn son isn’t calling him ‘father?'"
My (27M) wife’s (27F) father passed away when she was 9 and her mom remarried to her stepdad when she was 15. My wife and her stepdad have always butted heads because he oversteps and has tried to force himself as a father figure in her life.
When my wife’s mom married him they both made it very clear that he was never going to be her dad and he basically had no control over her and he has reluctantly accepted that over the years.
Fast forward to today, my wife gave birth to our son a week ago, he is the first grand baby on both sides so all the grandparents are trying to figure out what they want to be called. My wife’s stepdad’s name is David and wants our son to all him ‘Avi’ which means father in Hebrew.
My wife and I are uncomfortable with our son calling him this so we asked him if there was another name he could go by and he made a fuss that he intentionally didn’t want to be called grandpa because my wife has made a point in the past that his actual grandpa is no longer with us.
But now he’s complaining that we aren’t going to be happy with any name he wants to go by.
AITA for telling him my son isn’t calling him father?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
deepspaceinoneone wrote:
NTA, for sure. Why the Hebrew word for father? Is he Jewish? Saba and Zayde are right there. How strange.
EDIT: Thanks, all, for the many, many, many, many (MANY!) clarifications that Avi is actually a Hebrew name that means “my father” rather than the Hebrew word for father. I shouldn’t have taken OP’s word on that, my bad!
OP responded:
None of us are Jewish, he chose Avi because it’s the three middle letters to his name David.
Donutsmell wrote:
NTA. He shouldn’t be called Avi no matter what, because he isn’t the father. You are. It doesn’t sound like Grandpa would be appropriate, either, even if he wanted it. Your wife doesn’t see him as a father. Tell him that unless he stops being obstinate and picks a different name you all agree on, the baby is going to be calling him David.
chainer1216 wrote:
I'm going to say YTA, you conveniently left out of the main post that none of you are Jewish and that Avi is just a nickname, the whole "father" thing is made up and you reaching to insult this guy. He's probably 100% correct that you'll shoot down any name. This whole thing is just a power play to tell him that you'll never consider him family.
Marple1112 wrote:
YTA. David has been in your wife's life longer than her father was. Her stepdad is trying to have a relationship with her, and it sounds like he married into a family where he was made to feel unwanted. First of all, Avi doesn't mean father in Hebrew. Even if it did, the name Sara means princess.
Are all people named Sara going around thinking they are princesses? No. I think he's absolutely right that you're not going to like any name that he goes by. Let the poor man go by Grandpa David and start treating him like a part of the family.
Due-Commission2099 wrote:
NTA, he wants his Step-Grandson to call him Father!? How is that not weird!? Sounds like he wants a redo and is trying to project that onto your son. Tell him your baby can call him David. I called my step-dad's father, "Jim." It's perfectly fine, and tbh Jim was the only person in that family I actually liked. We even lived with him and his wife for years cause my step-dad was kinda a loser hahahhaa.
joeygsta wrote:
I dunno. The guys been around for 12 years, probably provided for your wife and her mother during that time and keeps getting told that basically he’s a nobody to everyone. As a step father myself, I’m not trying to replace their dad or anything but I’m with their mum and I do provide so if I was being treated like this for the last 12 years I’d feel pretty disrespected.
_feynman_ wrote:
YTA. Guy marries into a family, and was told he had no chance to act as a father figure (sucks as you marry someone with kids). Now he has the chance to at least act like a grandpa, and you are pushing him away. Sounds like you are trying to gatekeep him from fully being part of your family. He could have had better and you all (mom, wife, you) are a*holes.
Sweet-Flamingo69 wrote:
Your MIL set this man up for failure on day one when she told a teenager that he has no control over her. She didn't set up a family unit. Of course, he isn't her father. However, he could have been and should have been a father figure in her life. This wouldn't have taken away from her real father.
I don't think Avi is a good choice. However, he isn't wrong when he says no matter what name he picks, everyone will have a problem with it. This is the only "grandpa" this child will know growing up. PopPop, PaPa, any other variation of Grandpa would be fine. What is your MIL going to be called? He can have something to match.
Glass-Witness-628 wrote:
We have a family friend in this situation, Jon, who has his wife’s grandkids call him JonJon. It’s familiar without implying being a grandparent. He could be Deedee or Didi, or take the normal English nicknames for David, Dave or Davey. A quick Google tells me Hebrew nicknames for David include Dudi, Dudu and Dov.
Alternatively, think about what being a grandparent is vs what being a parent is and actually is David going to be a grandparent? They don’t have any authority, he’s going to be there from day one, he’s going to see the baby probably just as much as a blood grandparent.
If it’s important to you to show he’s not replacing your father, then that’s fine, but lots of people have bonus extra grandparents. In JonJon’s case, the biological grandfather is still alive, so they needed to differentiate, but I think he would always have been JonJon and not Granddad.