'AITA for telling my neighbor that her kid is acting like an AH and that’s why none of the other kids want to play with him?'
"AITA for telling my neighbor that her kid is acting like an AH and that’s why none of the other kids want to play with him?"
I (30F) live on a fairly close-knit street where lots of kids play together. One neighbor couple (25F and 31M edit:step dad but kid calls him dad they met when she was 20 and he was 25 going on 26) has a 9-year-old son who has been increasingly left out by the other children.
Honestly, I can’t blame them. This kid constantly punches, kicks, and threatens the other kids. He’s stolen toys, pushed a smaller child into the road, and torments animals (including throwing things at a blind elderly dog in our neighborhood).
Today was the final straw. Within just a few hours, this kid:
Gave a 4-year-old a black eye. Threw stones at passing cars. Stole another kid’s phone and threw it down a storm drain. Used a Nerf sniper to “target practice” on a 1-year-old in a stroller.
Naturally, this caused a massive uproar. A group of angry parents and kids gathered outside the family’s house. When the boy ran home, his mom came out confused and trying to calm everyone down. I’ll admit, she’s usually kind, but she uses gentle parenting and doesn’t discipline her son. Ever.
Later, she and I were talking in the garden and she said she doesn’t understand why her son can’t make friends. She described him as just “spirited” and “just exploring himself,” and suggested it was the other kids who needed to be more understanding. That’s when I told her bluntly:
“The reason he can’t make friends and the reason people keep complaining is because he’s acting like an AH. Every time he’s outside, he’s either hurting someone, breaking something, or harassing people and animals.
And you don’t do anything about it. Even when there’s undeniable proof in front of you, you excuse it as ‘kids being kids’ and then tell him it’s okay because he’s just expressing himself.” She asked for “one example” of when she’s done that, and I said:
“Today. After all the parents told you what he did, I bet he’s inside playing video games like nothing happened.”
Her response was “That’s just roughhousing. Stuff breaks. People get hurt. When has he actually done anything bad?”
So I brought up how he torments the elderly blind dog next door and the horrible names he calls her — stuff like “btsh,” “cnnt,” and “wh*r3.” I asked if her husband talks like that around him. She said no, he heard it from an uncle. Then i told her about when he tried to call me stuff like that and I had said,
“Say that again and Santa won’t come, I know him and ill tell him and make sure you don't get toy he had written in his Christmas letter that his mother told me about,”
and he stopped. I told her to try it, it worked — she said it’s not my place to discipline him.
I agreed — it’s not my place. But if she doesn’t step up and actually parent him, he’s going to end up unable to function socially. I told her, honestly, that I know she means well, but sometimes love without limits hurts more in the long run.
She blew up at me. Said discipline is abuse, that taking away toys or making him apologize (things I suggest she do to teach him that he did wrong) would “cause trauma,” and that I’m "sick" for even suggesting consequences
To clarify, I was not suggesting anything like corporal punishment or taking away food or anything, just to ground him, take away his toys for a few days and make him apologise to everyone he hurt individually.
She also threw in that I “know nothing about kids,” and that I “can’t and shouldn’t have any,” and made she personal attacks based on things I’d previously confided in her.
A few hours later, her husband came to my door demanding to know what I’d said, because his wife was upset and refusing to eat and told him i said their kid was a "ret**d" (i never said that or anything close to that). I told him what I told her.
"your kid needs consequences or this behavior will just get worse". He started with the “kids will be kids” line, but clearly hadn’t been told the whole story, so I listed off what happened today. Apparently, his wife had downplayed everything as “little accidents.”
He went home, they had a fight, and now my partner and another neighbor (an older woman behind us) are saying I should’ve just stayed out of it and I'm just causing drama. But I'm not going to let her tell him I said something like that all i told him was the truth.
So… AITA for telling my neighbor her kid is an AH and apparently triggering a fight between her and her husband for telling him the truth? Reading some comments, I totally forgot to mention but he is a step dad they been together since she was 20 and he was i think 25 turning 26 its just because the kid calls him dad and the bio dad isn't in the picture totaly forgot to mentioned.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Call the police next time he’s throwing stones at passing cars or torturing the blind dog. His parents need a wake up call.
This needs to be a neighbourhood approach, police will force some action then.
NTA. The only A.H. here is the mother who has clearly been lying to her husband and signifigantly downplaying what exactly their child has been doing while he isn't available to handle the situation. You spoke the truth, and guess what? Truth hurts, and it's not meant to be kindness.
Her parenting has led to multiple inc7dents that could result in that child getting thrown in Juvie or,, seriously hurt at worst dying because he crossed the wrong person. The father came to you and finally got the full story, not the BS his wife has fed him time and again. If it caused problems, she only has herself to blame.
NTA that kid needs help. His mum can lie to herself and everyone else all she likes but it won’t improve anything. How does the kid go in school? Does he behave the same way there? There would be consequences for that and also parent teacher meetings.
Empty_Wish_346 (OP)
He has changed schools before because of his behaviour and she has told me that the schools are just unprofessional for not bringing able to handle him she also considered home schooling.
Remind her that her child is not owed playmates and that others can decide to exclude him for his behavior. She needs to accept the consequences.
NTA. She indirectly asked you why her son didn't have friends. You gave it to her straight. With her sons behavior, he is a serial killer in the making. She has her head up her a$$ if she really believes discipline is abuse.
If you didn't list everything, rather than only what he did the one day to the father, you dropped the ball. Is she prepared to replace the phone he threw down the storm drain? Those things are expensive. Would your husband and neighbor rather wait until an animal/pet or child is seriously hurt or worse and the police have to be called before someone speaks up?
Empty_Wish_346 (OP)
My husband point of veiw was that if they argue about this and split the kids left with her and high chance it could just get worse and that their was probably a better way to bring it to the husbands attention.
while the neighbours point of view is that I don't live their not my house hold and if they split i look like the AH and if they make up they will just think I'm a AH and having next neighbours that blame you can be a nightmare and even said that she might start telling the kid to harrass me.
The fact that that child has attacked animals, babies, and toddlers is extremely concerning. Sooner or later, the police will get involved and by then the child’s parents won’t be able to defend him. NTA.