'AITA for telling my neighbor I am not her replacement daughter?'
"AITA for telling my neighbor I am not her replacement daughter?"
I 20F have a neighbor who lost her daughter in an accident 4 years ago now. I have lived next to her most of my life, and we used to be relatively close. These guys have a history of crossing boundaries and just being weird.
After the funeral she kept making remarks about how similar I was to her daughter, and her husband had to jump in at one point and say that I'm not her and my own amazing person. She kept on trying to invite me over to hang out with her int the backyard every summer too.
In August 2024, this neighbor was drunk in her garage, and I was talking to her when she called me her replacement kid. I didn't say anything cause what the hell are you even supposed to say in that situation.
Then she started acting like my mother in the same summer when I was living alone, always asking me where I was going and who I was going with whenever I left the house.
I told her nicely to stop, and that she was not my parent. She did stop for a while. Then she started saying I was like a daughter to her, and was always trying to hug me every time I saw her and that made me really uncomfortable.
At Christmas time i get a long text from her basically trauma dumping about how her other daughter is in the hospital and how her cat has an ear infection, and she attached a very graphic photo of a severely bruised stomach.
I did not want to see any of that, I did not want to be the person she keeps using as an emotional crutch. She refuses to get help to get over the death of her daughter and keeps trying to use as a therapist.
I told her this over text:
"I am very sorry that you've had a rough month, but that last message was such an inappropriate thing to be texting me. You should not be trauma dumping on your 19 year old neighbor.
I am not your therapist or your family. I certainly did not want to see that photo of what I assume is your daughters bruised stomach, and I'm certain she doesn't appreciate you telling people her private business.
Lastly, I need to make this so clear, I am not your kid. There is no 'our beautiful girl.' I am not your daughter, and it has been making me and my parents so uncomfortable every time you've said that.
I am not your replacement daughter no matter how much you want me to be. The fact that you actually said that to me one night was insane. Wishing you a better new year."
Then I heard nothing back from her until yesterday. Where she decided it was a good idea to flip me off and stare me down as I was getting in my car with my friend. We were confused but left it alone cause whatever, but when we came home she started yelling "douchbaggggg" at me and yelling at me about how I would never be like her dead daughter and how much better than me she was.
Should I have called the cops for harassment? Should I just ignore her? She is obviously very hurt that I kicked out the emotional crutch she had been using me as, and I do feel bad for her but I will not allow her to keep using me as a therapist and making me uncomfortable.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Look, I'm going to give you NTA here, OP, because your message was neutral enough to be civil. But, the question needs to be asked here... where is here husband in all of this? He was able to recognize her inappropriate comments at the funeral. Has he said nothing, done nothing, all this time?
Block her number, ignore her, but talk to her husband if you get a chance about how inappropriate things have gotten and why you had to send that message, just so he understands the fallout he's going to live through.
Keep a record of everything. This woman is clearly struggling with her mental health. NTA.
NTA, this is wildly inappropriate behavior from her and incredibly unfair to you. If I were your parents (I'm assuming you live with them) I would have stepped in a long time ago and told her to back off. Her obsession with you is incredibly unhealthy and scary.
Keep a record of everything she does and if she doesn't back off, inform the police. I'm sure you hate to do this to a neighbor and a woman who is grieving (however unhealthily) but this has graduated from an oppressive intrusion into a potential safety issue (not your fault at all). Mentally unbalanced people are capable of anything. Be safe OP.
NTA What you wrote doesn't sound harsh to me, it sounds straightforward and mature. You set good and reasonable boundaries with someone who was ignoring your previous softer attempts at establishing them with her.
NTA. There comes a point, when someone is being deliberately obtuse about disregarding your feelings, that you have to lay it all out in plain language - which you did, without being rude about it. Yes, you're going to have to handle her reacting badly, but that's your neighbour's doing, not yours.
Interact with her as little as possible. Keep any answers short and just keep walking. And don't take any crap from her - if a talk with her husband or a call to the police is required because she's escalating, do it. You deserve to be comfortable in your own home.
NTA, but you need to start documenting everything. Keep any texts or emails you still have. Include dates and any witnesses. Maybe ask someone to talk to her husband, or go with you to talk to him. Do not approach either of them alone. I am afraid this is not over.
NTA that is very odd, you weren’t mean either. If she escalates then I’d consider calling the cops. Let your parents know and maybe even her husband.