'AITA for telling my niece that the family does not like her fiancé and that I won't be at her wedding?' UPDATE 2X
"AITA for telling my niece that the family does not like her fiancé and that I won't be at her wedding?"
So for context there is a 21 year age gap between myself and my eldest brother. This made it so me (28 F) and his oldest daughter (23 F) are very close in age and have grown up very close.
I am very much the favorite aunt and have always considered us friends not just family. She comes to me when she has a problem she didn't want to talk to her parents about. She tells me about her boyfriend and friend problems.
She would call me when she was in college and needed picked up from a party or bar. And I was the first person she told when her boyfriend proposed calling me at 6 am the morning after because she was so excited to tell me.
Some context on her fiance, they have been together for 3 years and he is one year younger than her. She just graduated college in May 2024 and he is on track to graduate in May of 2025.
They have their wedding scheduled for just a week after his graduation He is studying biochemical and micro engineering and is very smart, more on the introverted side with a dry humor.
Since she introduced him to the family we could tell they are serious and tried to be as welcoming as possible inviting him to family events and on trips, getting him birthday and Christmas presents and genuinely trying to get to know him.
Whenever he is around our family he acts annoyed all the time like its painful to spend time with us, and he expects my niece to stay by his side the whole function getting annoyed if any of the little cousins ask her to play including my children (more context my niece is my children's godmother) and expects her to leave at the same time as him even if they drove separately.
My eldest brother is constantly advocating for him saying he's just introverted and the size of our family makes him uncomfortable insisting that he's different when it's smaller groups or one on one but I haven't seen it even when it was just the two of them with myself and my husband. He talks to everyone like we are stupid and is extremely condescending.
When they got engaged things got worse. With how close we are I was expecting to be asked to be apart of the wedding party but she did not ask me. I was a little hurt but I chose to let it go because it's her special day and her choice.
Then his family planned the engagement party and didn't invite any of my family. She explained that it was just a small affair (just their parents and siblings) but I later found out she lied to me when I saw pictures on social media.
I did confront her about that but she said she didn't plan the guest list so I tried to let that go too. Then she didn't invite myself or my mom to her dress outing saying it was a limited number of people allowed and she wanted to make sure his mom and sisters could come with her.
After that I told her that it really seemed like she was trading our family for his family. She said she wasn't but when I asked them later how they planned to spend holidays he said they'd spend them with his family.
My last straw was over December and January. In December she invited me and my husband for dinner. I was excited because she hadn't initiated us hanging out since her engagement. Dinner was nice a little awkward since conversation wasn't smooth with her fiance but pleasant enough.
When the check came my husband took care of it after it sat on the table for about 15 minutes and they didn't offer to split or pay even though they invited us. Then when we were ready to go they asked if we could have a serious conversation. I was confused as to why we didn't have it during the meal but they proceeded to ask us for money to pay for their wedding.
She said it was turning out to be more expensive then they thought and needed help since their parents don't make enough. I asked why they didn't wait until he was working and not just in an unpaid internship or until she got a full time job instead of a part time job.
I said that I wasn't saying no but that I just wanted to understand why they wanted to have their wedding so fast (the wedding is about 8 months after their engagement).
That conversation devolved into an argument about financial responsibility where her fiance said if we can help then we should because its family. And then following up with us having plenty of time to resave when my husband explained a lot of our money was invested for our childrens future.
After we offered 2g as a little something to help, my niece brought up my savings from my deceased husband's life insurance. I asked if she really thought bringing up my deceased husband was going to help her. We then repeated our offer of 2g and he asked if that was really all we'd give them so we withdrew the offer. We left enraged.
Then before Christmas my mom invited them over to bake because the fiance enjoys baking desserts and bread. He was so rude to her throughout that she came over for some grandkid time and tea because she was so sad.
My dad was pissed. And then neither my niece or fiance came to Christmas. We had a family get together around new years and when we were driving two of my brothers and their wives home we had a conversation about how sick everyone was of the fiance and how we wished they weren't getting married.
Finally in January it was my parents 50th wedding anniversary I planned a party for them and then we were going to Mexico which was group financed by myself and my siblings for our parents. Fiance was only coming to party as he couldn't miss school for Mexico.
The party was fancy, rsvp invitations, private venue, catered, semi-formal dress code. A week before my niece text me and let me know fiance wasn't going to come to the party because of a fraternity event.
I told her that this was an important family event and on top of that it was rude to skip out on an event that you've rsvped for without a good reason and made it clear that I didn't consider his fraternity a good reason considering how long he's known about the event. She said she'd talk to him but I never heard back so I was unsure if he was going to come.
Day of he showed up late wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and backward cap. My mom still trying to be nice said she was glad he was there and he responded "like I had a choice". He then stayed in his seat not speaking to the people at his table or participating in the activities.
About half way through we were taking a family picture and invited him to be in it and he said "this isn't my family". My mom started crying and excused herself to the bathroom. I pulled him aside and snapped I told him that if he didn't want to be in this family to get the f- out.
That I was tired of dealing with his attitude and disrespect, and pretending to like him and told him to leave. When my niece went to follow him I told her that if she went with him that she should forget coming to Mexico with us.
She didn't follow him but she made it clear that she was upset that he'd been kicked out. The adults in the family (about 12 of us) sat down with her to air out our grievances about the fiance with her so that she understood the extent of the problem, but she still defended him said that we just didn't know him as well and that we made him uncomfortable.
After that conversation I told my husband that I just couldn't act like nothing was wrong anymore. So we declined on the RSVP to the wedding. She text me asking why we said no and I met her for coffee.
I explained to her that I didn't feel that I could support her marriage that he wasn't a good person and I felt like her independence and everything that was special about her was disappearing behind his expectations.
She disagreed and told me that I just didn't understand. She then told me that if I really cared about her that I should suck it up and come to her wedding. So AITA? Should we go to the wedding? And was I wrong for telling her in the first place?
UPDATE: My niece was raised in a christian household and she chose to maintain her faith while in college when she did live independently (on scholarship and student subsidized housing with one roommate away from parents for four years) and from what I understand her fiance is too.
They dont live together and they don't do overnights by their choice. She has returned to living with her parents because she is broke and unmotivated and he lives in a frat house. Her parents also expect her to follow their rules including a curfew while living at home in respect for the routine that's been established for her special needs sister.
So while I agree with the assessment that he's setting her up to be isolated they aren't currently in a situation or the privacy for financial or emotional abuse. I do also think he's a narcissist. She agreed to sit down and talk with me again and I was able to better articulate my concerns for her future and what she is setting herself up for, and my concerns about him.
We are still not going to the wedding. I explained to her that part of it is because I love her. That ultimately it's supposed to be a special day for her and that with the way I feel about him that I would object to the union in front of everyone as opposed to privately.
I told her that whatever she chooses that I am always specifically in her corner and that I hope that she will still want to spend time with me and my kids but more than that to know that she can come to me anytime for anything.
And that for her sake I do hope that I'm wrong about him. We did get her a few things off the registry that I knew were more for her than for him. She said she would think about everything so we will see what happens between now and then. And to the person who said they thought I didn't think it through on what this might mean for the future I can assure you I did.
My family means the world to me and I don't want to hurt her or my relationship with her but we got to the point where I couldn't stay quiet and pretend like there wasn't anything wrong. Thanks to everyone for the input it really helped me organize my thoughts and think through everything that's happened.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA, but i don't think you are seeing things clearly. The guy made her own grandma cry and she defends him. You all act as if he is the problem here. But SHE is choosing him, she is defending him.
He is that way because she allows it to be. He made her grandma cry and she still said you were all in the wrong. She is not some silly child blinded by love. She sees what he does, but still chooses him when he so blatantly disrespects all of you.
She is the AH here. (Well the fiancé too, ofc, but it wouldn't matter if she was not choosing him). Stop believing she is just some misguided child. She's an adult and making very clear choices.
If a guy made my Mamaw cry I’d throw hands.
NTA. I like how when asking for money y’all are all family, but when it’s time to take a picture y’all aren’t family. I would let your niece know that while you don’t support her marriage you support her and will be there if she needs to leave.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
So I honestly wasn't sure if I was going to have anything else to update after my husband and I decided not to go to the wedding, and figured if I did have more to update it wouldn't be until after the wedding. But holy hell was I wrong. I figured I'd share since so many people were invested and gave great advice when I needed it before.
So first off my daughter and I ended up going to the bridal shower at the end of April. My niece asked me repeatedly to come and I figured that things would be relatively drama free since the fiancé doesn't get to come to that. I asked in advance if she was sure she wanted my daughter to come since she is under 10.
I was assured that there would be other children there and that my niece really wanted her goddaughter there. Skip to day of and my daughter was the only child. One of my SIL even told me she was told not to bring her 3 daughters (one older and two younger than my daughter).
The maternal aunt kept scolding my daughter for "touching things" even though I was keeping an eye on her and she did no such thing. The mother of the groom asked if I was purposely trying ruin the event and the grooms sister said it was rude of me to bring her.
I was ready to just walk out but the bride's 19 year old sister took my daughter to play in her room upstairs. My other niece that took her upstairs has special needs and had said she was feeling overstimulated, but the bride was still upset that she didnt stay downstairs for the whole event. The bride never even said hi to my daughter making her feel very sad when we went home.
We played those how well do you know the bride games which I won prompting my niece to say that I was "basically her best friend" causing an awkward silence as the room became confused as to why I wasn't in her wedding party. Extra special surprise for me when I found out that all the grooms sisters are in her bridal party but her "best friend" and her own sister are not 🤷♀️
About a week later we got together to celebrate my dad's birthday. When my mom invited them the fiancé responded "if I don't have anything better to do then I might come."
My mom didn't hear anything else so assumed he wasn't coming and when he showed up she had to set a place for him prompting him to play victim saying we don't want him around. He then had to be asked to put his phone away at the table while we were all eating and no one else had their phones with them.
The final straw for my parents was two-fold. They asked about the rehearsal dinner because you'd think the grandparents of the bride would be invited. They were told it was wedding party only (which basically includes the grooms whole family).
I later found out through other people that the grooms grandparents were going to the rehearsal dinner because they came from out of state and wanted as much time with the grandkids as they could get.
I kept that tidbit to myself because I didn't want my parents to be more hurt than they were already feeling. They then had the audacity to ask my parents to hang out with the brides sister since she doesn't do well staying at home alone and they would all be busy at the dinner.
The second thing was that the bride asked my mom what she'd be wearing to the wedding specifically asking if she was going to be buying a new dress. My mom said that she wasn't buying something new because she already had a nice dress.
My niece responded that my mom dresses old fashion and frumpy and that she didn't think anything she already had would be appropriate for the wedding. (My mom is very stylish for her age (mid 70s) and the dress she had picked out was gorgeous).
My mom told her that she was being rude but that she would give her the benefit of the doubt because planning a wedding was stressful and sent her a picture of the dress. She then told my niece that she had gotten it for her best friend's daughters wedding and had only ever worn it that once so my niece hadn't seen it before.
My niece responded "I guess it's ok". My mom felt very defeated and my dad had had enough. He responded on their behalf with "from our various interactions it does not seem that you want us to be participants in your special day. Your grandmother and I will no longer be attending your wedding." They returned their wedding gifts. My husband and I decided to do the same 🤣
Now from my side of the family the only ones that are going are two of my five siblings. One because it's his daughter, and one because his wife is playing the guitar during the ceremony and he did not want her going alone.
She does piano or acoustic guitar accompaniment for special events professionally and she had committed before the bulk of the drama happened and did not want to harm her professional reputation by backing out last minute.
That brother has let everyone know that they will not be staying past the ceremony, that his kids are hanging out with grammy and gramps, and that he is going full petty by wearing jeans, t-shirt, and hat just like the fiancé did to our parents 50th anniversary celebration.
That's all I've got for now and idk what else could happen at this point but I'll keep you updated. (Wedding is 1 week away!)
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I’m sorry, but your niece is not a good person. Her fiancé is the worst, but she’s right there with him with the way she has been treating you and your family. Unless there are some missing reasons that you haven’t shared with us, she sounds like she’s as big of a jerk as he is.
Her fiance made her grandmother cry, and she still defended him. Seriously, that right there would have been the straw that not only broke the camel's back, it also broke all four legs and the concrete beneath it.
"If I don't have anything better to do then I might come."
Forget that guy! Anyone saying that to me immediately gets an uninvite.
He's either stupidly dense, or rude as hell. Either way, he needs to be told off, explicitly told he's being a jackass. I'm with your uncle, you should all go and just put on your trashiest club outfits and bang it out. LOL.