'AITA for telling my parents we're not comfortable with my mother babysitting our one-year-old?'

"AITA for telling my parents that we are not comfortable with my mother babysitting our one-year-old?"

About 2 weeks ago, my wife and I had to find an emergency babysitter for our 1 y/o who was fighting a small illness and had to avoid daycare because of it. Nothing serious, we’re all doing better now, daycare just didn’t want to expose the other kids. Completely understandable.

We asked my mom to babysit until our 1 y/o improved enough to return to daycare. My job has some flexibility in that I’m able to stop home at lunch, and when I did my mother commented that our child wasn’t really eating and took only a few very short naps. However, when I tried giving some of the same food that was set out for our 1 y/o, they almost immediately ate everything up.

Additionally, both days before I left to return to work, I had asked if there was anything I could do to help, like check diapers, allow my mom a chance to go to the bathroom, etc. At the end of the first day, when my wife returned from work, my wife said our 1 y/o was extremely fussy, tired, and hungry. Additionally, they had developed a severe diaper rash.

With limited babysitter options, we decided to have my mom watch one more day and see if daycare would let her back in if their illness improved. After the second day, my wife had another similar report about our 1 y/o, and that the diaper rash had worsened, however their illness was improving, so we decided to try and go to daycare (with their approval) the next day.

When my wife picked her up from daycare the following day, they (politely) asked if our 1 y/o had anything to eat the past few days, because their #2 diapers were similar to that of a newborn who only drank milk/formula. Additionally, they were deeply concerned about the diaper rash.

This immediately set off red flags for my wife and I, and this is not the first time we’ve been concerned about my mom’s babysitting, either. Previously, there have been issues getting our child down for longer naps and trying to limit negative screen time (i.e. turning on something other than a news channel all day).

So, that leads us to my question: Are we TAs for telling my mother we are not comfortable with her watching over our child? A bonus follow-up question, how should I have told my parents this?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Jillandjay wrote:

YTA for assuming your mother is abusing your child with nothing that indicates that. Correlation is not causation. Diaper rashes are common when a child is sick so is a change in their eating habits.

My nephew will refuse anything except French fries from my parents but will eat many more items with me. You think she starved your child in 2 days when she only watched for like 8 hours? What did you, as parents, do to care for your child the other 22 hours?

OP responded:

I want to be clear, I don't think my mother intentionally meant any of it to happen, nor do I think she "starved" her. There's obviously a difference between them not eating enough and starving. I also know when kids get sick they will act/behave differently, especially little ones, however our kiddo has always been willing to eat, even with the worst of colds thus far.

My wife and I were able to get them to eat plenty when we both came home. We gave our child meds as necessary and had a humidifier running overnight as that helps. Basically we did the most we could without going to the walk-in.

Einstwo wrote:

INFO: did you actually talk to your mom about any of this? You came home at lunch time and the little one ate the food you put out. Did you ask your mom what she had served and why the baby didn't eat it the first time? After you found the diaper rash, did you ask her to change the diapers more often the second day?

NTA, overall, but it sounds like the first day went awful and you repeated the same thing the second day and only then realized you probably should do something about it. Your poor kid! I never asked my mom to babysit because she isn't trustworthy. I never told her explicitly, I just avoided ot like crazy. Some grandparents aren't good at that stuff.

OP responded:

INFO: Our child ate the food (applesauce, among others) that was served when I fed them. My mother claimed that they "wouldn't eat any of it" when she tried, but when I fed her them they immediately downed the entire container.

Based on the small applesauce container being nearly full, I took it as she tried only one spoonful and didn't try again. After we saw the rash the first day, I believe my wife mentioned that is something that needed to be watched/monitored/creamed.

jolly_building4685 wrote:

There’s a lot to consider here. Your child’s routine was changed and they were sick. That could also be an explanation for why they weren’t eating or sleeping. Did you ask your mother what the day had looked like? Did you try writing out a schedule for your child that mimicked the daycare schedule? When they’re still napping age, you should at the very least be giving them the nap times and meal times.

OP responded:

We did all the above. We gave normal meal/snack/nap times. We have a whiteboard on our fridge that we put it on and told mom to stick to that.

Purple_Bowling_Shoes wrote:

INFO: How in the world did your daycare notice the poop and rash but you and your wife didn't see it? Unless she watched the baby around the clock, which doesn't seem to be the case, something isn't adding up on your side.

Either of you would have certainly changed the diaper between leaving your mom's care and going to daycare. You would have had to either seen a bowel movement from your child or noted the constipation? And the rash? Did either of you do anything about it? Clean and apply ointment with each change or anything?

jajjenny wrote:

Your baby was sick & off routine. It’s no surprise that your baby was not eating or sleeping good / normally. Also, how well did your baby know your Mom and is your baby super comfortable with her. That takes time. And some babies are super clingy to their parents, especially at 1 year old.

Your Mom had your baby for 8 hours (or so, I assume), but you also had your baby and you said the baby ate with you. So the comments about your baby’s poops from the daycare is weird.

Like you also had the opportunity to feed YOUR child & if you had done so, their poops probably would have been fine. And diaper rash happens! Did you also take steps to mitigate it and it still didn’t improve? Did you ask your Mom if she applied diaper rash cream? Like placing all the blame on your Mom here sounds wildly unfair. YTA.

etds3 wrote:

YTA. You think your mom was neglecting your kid because her behavior was off when sick? I’m honestly amazed that you haven’t figured out by now that absolutely everything is different when a kid is sick.

She didn’t take long naps? When my babies were sick, there were times I had to sleep in a recliner holding them upright to get them to sleep at all because they were so congested and miserable. Also, she was out of her normal routine: kids don’t nap well outside of their normal routine, and it has nothing to do with your mom’s skills.

Anyone you sent her to would likely have trouble getting her to nap well. She didn’t eat? Again, that is textbook sick kid. To this day, my 9-year-old all but stops eating when he’s sick. As a baby, he lost a significant amount of weight when he had RSV because he would not eat. Thankfully, he was a chubby baby and could handle that without consequences.

It also doesn’t surprise me at all that your baby would only eat comfort food—ie milk—when sick. That’s normal for adults. She had a diaper rash when sick? Well, we have already established that her digestive system isn’t behaving normally. She’s eating differently and she may well have a stomach ache from the virus.

Her immune system is also busy dealing with this virus. Not exactly surprising that she would break out in diaper rash in those conditions. Your baby was fussy when your wife picked her up? Your SICK baby was fussy? How shocking. I used to say that maybe Mercury was in retrograde because my babies/kids got cranky for no discernible reason. They were ALWAYS cranky when sick.

Every single thing you’re describing is well within the normal range for a baby/toddler. Especially a sick baby/toddler. Your mom was reporting to you what was happening. She wasn’t sneakily not feeding your kid: she was telling you that she hadn’t eaten or slept well. Finally, there is a high likelihood your baby would do better for you and your wife than your mom because you are her regular caretakers.

But if you can’t take time off every single time she gets sick, then you are going to see the same patterns no matter who you leave her with. She’s out of routine: she’s gonna struggle napping and she’s gonna be fussy. Add sickness to that and it’s a guarantee that she’s gonna struggle napping and be fussy.

So unless you want to use all your PTO when your toddler gets 12 colds a year (average for that age) and offend your mom in the process, I suggest you touch grass. There is no indication in anything you have said that suggests your mom did anything wrong. She tended a sick, fussy baby who acted like a sick, fussy baby.