'AITA for telling my parents they shouldn't have had kids if they cannot afford them?'
"AITA for telling my parents they shouldn't have had kids if they cannot afford them?"
Any_Unit_1970
It's my first time posting here so bare with me as I try to explain the situation. I live with my parents and I am a 24 (F). I come from a culture where the girl cannot leave her family home until she is married.
My father recently retired and he has no savings what so ever (according to him). My mother also is a stay at home mom and has never worked in her life. I on the other hand, work, and I am engaged. My father is a stingy man and has always been since I was a child. We never had a connection and never will.
A little back story: he has called me a wh0r3, and even accused me of lying about the degree I carry. He said that I did not travel abroad to study but rather I went to whore around instead. Ha, funny because thats not what I did. I actually graduated with an honors degree and I was on the deans list every semester.
Now back to the story, ever since he retired, he refuses to pay anything for the household. I do not believe that he has no money saved up because he has told my mother that he will die and no one will ever know where his money was put.
He put a debt on himself by not paying rent in the other house and we were evicted. He was also lying about how much money he was getting from his pension. I found out when I asked a friend who works at the bank where he usually gets his money transferred to that he has been getting triple the amount of money he had mentioned.
It drives me crazy because I look at other people's parents and they all seem just fine compared to my dad. Ever since he found out that I know how much, he stopped getting deposits to that account which I find awfully weird.
Not only that, but he also refuses to pay rent and has me do everything for the household along with my other siblings whom dont live with us. It has reached to a point where he goes through my shit in my room trying to find things to hold against me.
I really get frustrated from him and he just doesn’t understand that I am no longer this little girl he can boss around. He is also very disgusting and disturbing. His facebook is filled with naked women.
Not my problem, I dont care. Every single snack that I buy, he enters my room and eats from it. I sometimes travel for work and come back to find things are done and eaten.
Now the real issue is that every month, when the rent is due, him and I always end up fighting and screaming over the rent. I get paid yes, but is it enough to support a household of 3? No.
I end up having to borrow from siblings and fiance to be able to afford paying the rent. This months rent was due and again we went back to screaming and fighting. I literally told him that I wish he was dead and that I’ve never seen anything good come out of him.
He never paid for my school, my mom did (my mom used my grandmothers money to). He never tried to have a connection with any one of us. He is a lying abusive father who had no interest of being there for us so why should I be there for him?
Why am I putting myself into debt and shaming myself in front of my fiance just because he is stingy? I then screamed and told him MAYBE YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE KIDS IF YOU CANT AFFORD THEM.
He like stood there quietly and then my mom followed me to my room to let me know that it was uncalled for to say that. Honestly I feel like I was not an asshole because I have been living with this trauma my entire life.
He has caused all to suffer from depression and anxiety. I am literally in a flight or fight mode constantly. I never felt good in life and never will. So, AITA for saying that to him?
Edit: Forgot to mention that the guy I am marrying comes from a rich family. So their plan is to latch on me to survive but I dont think I can keep supporting them when I am going to start my own family.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Maleficent-Action983
NTA and why are you living there??? Move out dude. I get you “come from a culture where women can’t leave home” or some crap, but it’s literally 2024. You are a grown ass adult who does not have a legal obligation to stay in that home. Leave.
The OP responded here:
Any_Unit_1970
I get that and I have tried to do that when we got evicted but then my siblings were like you cannot do this to your own father. They also hit me with the “what are you going to tell your future in laws? That you dumped your father on the streets?” My mom though shes amazing and supportive. She used all the money she received when my grandmother passed away towards us (her kids).
Maleficent-Action983
You can hit your siblings with the “Yall can do it then, I’m out.” Which is more than earned by the amount of crap and money you have done for that family. Let that man live on the streets, he clearly has money and would only be living on the streets due to his own hubris and idiocy.
Truly, just leave. Don’t let people guilt you to stay, just leave. If they want to take your place, let them, but if they don’t wanna step up you can laugh in their faces and say “see? I’m not crazy, you don’t wanna do it either, so goodbye!”
enticingmica
NTA. Your dad's behavior has been awful, and it's totally understandable that you're at your wit's end. It's not fair that he's been so stingy and neglectful, especially when you're the one who's been carrying the financial burden of the household. You have every right to be angry and frustrated.
It sounds like you've been dealing with his emotional and verbal abuse for years, and that takes a toll on anyone. Your comment about him not having kids, while harsh, came from a place of deep pain and resentment. I can't blame you for feeling that way.
yakkerswasneverhere
You are getting manipulated by every single person in your family. Nobody has your back because everyone benefits from your involvement. You are going to need to put your big girl pants on and let your siblings know you will tell your in-laws the truth about why you left the family.
Let your in-laws become the source of love and respect you have needed your whole life. Stop basing your decisions on fear and insecurity. You deserve so much better than your family is giving you.