'AITA for telling my parents to not include my stepdaughter in their will?'
"AITA for telling my parents to not include my stepdaughter in their will?"
Conscious_Tension491
I (35f) have 2 kids (17 m/f twins) and 1 stepdaughter (18) who I met when she was 11. The other day, I was at my parents house going over some estate planning as I am the executor.
While reviewing, I saw my folks had split their assets to be half for my 2 siblings and I and the other half for their grandkids—all to be distributed evenly. My stepdaughter was included.
When I asked them about this, they said they wanted to be fair. Their estate isn’t super large, but the sum would be substantial (think new car). I told my parents that while generous of them, I didn’t think it would be necessary and would be better to split between their 5 grandkids.
When we got home, my husband said he overheard what I said and that I was being an AH for alienating his daughter. I told him my reasoning was because she is the only child/grandchild/niece on both her parent’s sides and that she would be set.
Her grandparents own multiple properties, her uncles are fairly well off and live in a HCOL area, and well, she’s the only kid and it’s not looking like (at least in his side) that she’ll have any cousins.
Plus, their collective net worth is substantially more than my side. I also asked him if his parents included my kid in their estate, but he refused to answer. Still. He said I was being an AH and accused me of not caring about her future. I think I was doing the right thing by looking out for my kids and their cousins. AITA?
Edit: I was told to include this in the post:
1- I didn’t argue with or pressure my parents to make a change. I simply mentioned that I don’t feel it was necessary for her to receive a monetary amount.
2- my mom plans on giving her a set of family heirloom jewelry that is her birthstone. I think this is quite thoughtful. I’m not a big jewelry person and she has other sets for the other girls in the family so I feel this is ok.
3- my parents have seen her about 3-5x a year since I met her.
4- my nephews and my kids do not have active relationships with their biological father sides. My niece is a new mom and works at a restaurant. I feel that financial inheritance would be more impactful for them even as such a small amount.
5- I know my SD is set to inherit at least 2 houses in a major us city with HCOL. I found this out a while back after my husband asked me to help him organize his office. I had to read through papers to know how to file them accordingly.
The paper was a certified copy and was drafted soon after we married. My kids were not included. I am not sure if it has been updated. I did not ask him about it at the time because I did not have an issue with it.
6- There is distance in the relationship but I don’t feel it’s my fault. I can explain this. When I met her mom for the first time, she made it very clear that I wasn’t her mom. I didn’t see this as an issue because I did not want to overstep and as a mom myself, I could see where she was coming from and respected her request.
But as time progressed, our opportunity to spend time together became less frequent. At first my husband had every other weekend visitation. It became less frequent as she became a teenager because she wanted to spend the night with friends, hang out, etc which I see as normal teenager behavior.
The other piece is that we were never invited to be included in major celebrations for her. We usually celebrated birthdays with her a week after because we weren’t invited (my husband was-just not us).
She’s also never spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with us because her mom wanted those days. Again, which I saw as fine because that’s her only child. My husband would spend holidays with her at her mom’s house which I encouraged because I knew the importance of father/daughter connections. We also were not invited to her HS graduation.
I think she’s a beautiful and brilliant young woman and care for her tremendously. But It’s challenging to develop deep meaningful relationships with people you have little contact with.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
designatedthrowawayy
NTA. Everyone is in their feelings about it instead of looking at the actual facts. Your parents have 5 grandkids outside of her. Your parents can always leave her sentimental items. Your SD will get a large inheritance to herself.
Your children aren't in your husband's parent's will. The last one being the biggest one. Why is it ok for them to exclude your children but not the reverse? We don't support the hypocritic oath here.
Conscious_Tension491 (OP)
My mom plans on giving her a family heirloom jewelry set that is her birthstone which I think is nice and thoughtful. It’s not that I want to completely exclude her, I just feel it would be more meaningful towards my niblings and kids.
designatedthrowawayy
So then she's not left out? I'd ask your husband the exact question I asked. Why is he holding your parents to different standards than his own parents?
landshark_2023
NTA. You stated your opinion and it doesn't sound like you pressured them. I think your parents are kind and it could be explained to your stepdaughter so her feelings wouldn't be hurt. Your husband needs to answer your question.
Is your stepdaughter more important to him than his children with you? Does he not care about their future? If the stepdaughter's relatives money was split with your children, it sounds like their future would be more secure. But, I think it would be unfair to expect her relatives to share with unrelated children and I would think they would not want to do so.
Conscious_Tension491 (OP)
I didn’t pressure them. I just told them I didn’t think it was necessary. I didn’t even go into the details with them and left it at that. Nothing was changed over the course of our meeting. She’s is also set to receive a family heirloom jewelry set from my mom that happened to be her birthstone which I thought was nice.
And I don’t expect them to share their assets with my kids. It’s only ever been brought up with my husband because of this argument. I know she set to receive a large portion including 2 houses because I saw some paperwork while cleaning my husband’s office.
It’s a bit out of date so idk if there’s been an update, but it was drafted and I saw it shortly after he and I got married. I didn’t bring it up to him then because I didn’t expect my kids to be included.
Both-Buffalo9490
I want to know if your daughter is included in his parents will. He had nothing to say if they do not.
Conscious_Tension491 (OP)
I asked and he refused to tell me. I had seen some paperwork that was drafted after we got married a while back and my kids weren’t on it while she had 2 houses listed. I didn’t bring it up to him then because I didn’t see it as an issue.
NomadicusRex
You have your answer. Your husband is greedy, doesn't care about your kids at all, but has a total double standard when it comes to his daughter.