'AITA for telling my parents to pay for my wedding if they want a relationship?'
"AITA for telling my parents to pay for my wedding if they want a relationship?"
I'm the youngest of 4 kids and the only daughter. I have 3 older brothers. Growing up my parents were extremely traditional. All three of my brothers had massive weddings that my parents fully paid for.
I'm talking $40k+ each. Fancy venues, open bars, hundreds of guests, destination bachelor parties, the whole thing. My parents were very involved in planning and were so proud showing off these big events.
When I got engaged two years ago I assumed I'd get the same treatment. Nope. My parents sat me down and said they weren't comfortable paying for my wedding because my fiancée is a woman. They're not "okay with the lifestyle" and won't financially support or attend a same-sex wedding.
So my now-wife and I paid for our own wedding. It was small, just close friends at a park with a backyard reception at a friend's house. Cost us about $5k total which we saved for.
It was honestly really nice and intimate but it hurt like hell watching my parents fund extravagant weddings for my brothers while refusing to even show up to mine. We've barely spoken in two years. Now I'm pregnant (IVF) and suddenly they want back in my life. Want to meet the baby, be grandparents, have a relationship again.
We met for coffee and they said they "regret if their choices caused pain" but want to move forward. I asked what specifically they regret. They wouldn't say and just kept talking about fresh starts.
I told them if they're actually sorry they can prove it by giving me the $40k they would've spent on my wedding, just like they did for my brothers. My mom started crying.
My dad said I'm being ridiculous and manipulative. Now my brothers are blowing up my phone saying I'm being petty and immature. That I should just accept the apology and move on. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA- Your parents can turn to your brothers for that grandchild that they so desperately want. 40k would be great start to a college fund for your baby. Your parents can cry all they want. As soon as one of your brothers has a kid, they'll disappear from your child's life or the favoritism will be ridiculous. Save your child the heartache and just go nc with your bio-family. Stick to the family that you have made.
I don't think you are being petty, immature or ridiculous. BUT so what if you were? Literally SO WHAT? You have a baby on the way (congratulations) the $40k will be a good start in life for your little one. Manipulative? Yeah, ok maybe a little, but again, so what? Just own it, who cares. You're doing this for the benefit of your baby/family.
NTA You can accept the apology and move on, but that doesn’t mean you have to include them in your life accepting an apology doesn’t mean the past is forgotten and they automatically get to jump in. Pregnancy is a stressful time I would block all of them go back to the conversation after you’ve had your child and have had a couple months to ease into motherhood and then maybe revisit the family situation.
NTA and please don't ever let them meet your child. You are perfect as you are. You deserved love and support in your life and marriage. They tossed you aside when you were "embarrassing" them w your choices and I'm sure they were very vocal about your departure from the family.
Now you're valuable to them again because you have something they want. This doesn't sound like love. They're willing to tolerate your presence to get access to a baby. Hard pass. Protect your child from their unimportant opinions of your life choices. Be the protector so many of us needed from not nice grandparents. ❤️
I wouldn’t want a dime from them. I take it they don’t already have a grandchild with your brothers? Since they couldn’t explain what they regretted- they just want access to your baby. Their hate still exists. Do you want your child exposed to this? If they had a real change in their mindset and accept and support you and your wife’s marriage, that would be one thing. I don’t think they’ve changed.
NTA but you shouldn't have asked them to pay for a wedding. You should have asked them to explain the difference between then and now and explain how they will treat you and your spouse and your kids going forward. And then, why they deserve to be included after the way they treat you. An apology is not enough. Changed behaviors is the key. But I would ask them to put $40k maybe towards your kids some way.
NTA. What apology are your brothers talking about? Your parents made a qualified statement - not an apology. Unless they are sorry for how they unfairly mistreated you, insulted you, and were hurtful then it’s not an apology and it’s not sincere.
I get that they want a relationship with their grandchild to be - but that can’t work well if they still demonstrate hurtful ideas. How would you ever trust them alone with your child for them not to be critical of your “lifestyle” to your child?
Your brothers’ conduct is unfathomable. They should be the first to stick up for you. It’s their conduct that makes me think this post is fake because all 3 of them being idiots? All 3 of them only getting involved in the money part after they received the same thing you’re asking for???
They should be the first to stick up for you. I also think this might be fake because there’s not one word about your relationship with them. Nada. You’d think it was pertinent to the narrative that they were always behind you or your parents. Or that you were no contact with them too.
NTA you just singlehandedly proved that they arent actually sorry nor do they regret their decisions they only want back into your life because of the child and the second that goes south for any reason they will go back to minimal or no contact tell your brothers its nice of them to give their opinions when they where never treated the way you where and that if they're really going to take their side its probably best for you to also cut contact.
I can’t improve on this. This is your answer.
Exactly, lol, theres nothing more to it I truly pity op but moreso her parents and siblings when karma rears its ugly head.