'AITA for telling my partner's mom she can't force a 'grandma hobby' on my kid?'
"AITA for telling my partner's mom she can't force a 'grandma hobby' on my kid?"
I(33F) have a son(9M) with my ex(35M). We co-parent pretty peacefully most of the time. He has our son every other weekend and one weeknight dinner. My ex has been dating his girlfriend(34F) for about two years.
She is very into competitive kids activities. Not in a scary way, but she takes it seriously. The issue is her mom(60F) moved closer recently and has decided she wants to be the "activity grandma." She was a huge youth soccer person back in the day and now volunteers with a local league.
Last month she started pushing HARD for my son to join soccer. My son has tried it before and didn’t like it. He’s a quiet kid who prefers art classes and biking. He told me she keeps bringing it up at their house and that my ex is backing her because "it would be good for him." He asked me to make it stop.
I messaged my ex and said our son is not joining a team just because his girlfriend’s mom wants it, and no one should be pressuring him. My ex replied outside our co-parenting app, got defensive, and said I’m being controlling.
A few days later I ran into the girlfriend’s mom(60F) at a community center event. She cornered me and told me I’m "depriving" her of a grandparent experience and that she deserves to bond with him through soccer.
I told her bonding doesn’t mean overriding what he wants. She kept going on about how she always pictured doing soccer with her grandkids. I finally said, "Then do soccer with your actual grandkids, not mine." Now my ex says I was rude and hurtful. AITA for saying that?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. He doesn't want to do the thing she's suggesting, so it ends there whether she thinks it'll be "good for him" or not. She can shove it.
AltruisticLemon2945 (OP)
Totally, he prefers art and biking so pushing soccer isn't okay. What would you have done when she cornered me at the community center?
That answer of yours was FIRE 🔥!! She has no right to force your child into the activity of her choice. Tell her if she wants to be active in the life of her daughter’s boyfriend’s child, she needs to respect what the kid is interested in doing! She can take him to ceramic class or painting, to a museum to sketch, or even the costume institute at the met ( if near NYC).
You should screenshot his response and reply back in the parenting app. He wants to insult you and ignore his son with no accountability.
AltruisticLemon2945 (OP)
So you're saying screenshot his response and reply in the parenting app to force accountability. I'll do that, I'll screenshot his text and move everything into the parenting app so there's a clear record he can't deny later.
NTA. Your kid won't bond with her if she forces him into an activity he doesn't enjoy.
NTA. Your kid asked you to intervene. Forget about what the others said. Your kid knows you’re there for him. That’s what matters. If grandparents really want to bond, then they can bond over things the kids actually like. They can introduce new things, but if the kid ain’t interested, he ain’t interested.
I’ve heard many a grandparent complaining that their grandkids are disappointing to them because they don’t like the same things and I always found this attitude strange. I was very close to my grandmother.
And the thing that stands out was how much she catered to our interests. How she tried to get to know us. And find ways to connect with us. She did try to introduce us to things, if we didn’t show interest she backed off. She would ask us what we liked the best and what we wanted to try.
She would search garage sales and good wills for things she thought matched our interest. I learned a lot from her about how to connect with children. I use these skills with my own kids. Your kid doesn’t need to be anyone else but himself. If he tried soccer and doesn’t like it. that’s the end. Dad is obviously trying to cater to new girl friend over his son.
AltruisticLemon2945 (OP)
You're right, he asked me to step in. I'm moving all communication into the parenting app and telling them to try bonding over his art and biking instead of pushing soccer.
If she actually wanted to be involved in his life she'd learn what he likes and do those things with him.
NTA it's weird, controlling, and damaging to try and force a child to conform to a preconceived idea of what they should be. The child said no, it doesn't matter what anyone else wants.
You're just reinforcing his no as any good parent should. NTA, thank you for reinforcing his autonomy and individuality. He'll be a healthier adult understanding that no means no and that his autonomy should be respected.
AltruisticLemon2945 (OP)
Totally, reinforcing his no mattered to me since he told me he didn't want soccer and I had to step in after she cornered me. Ever dealt with pushy relatives like that, any quick lines that shut it down without blowing up the whole family?
Tell her that if she really wants to bond with him she should sign them up for an art class together or get her butt on a bike and go ride with him. Just because she likes something doesn’t mean he has to. She’s overstepping and making him not want to be around her. Remind her of that next time you see her.