Mom-to-be confronts pregnant friend over her constant complaining; 'I’m drowning in her negativity.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my pregnant friend I can’t stand her complaining anymore?"
leprechaun_dong
I want to start off by saying that I (F29) am 7 months pregnant myself.
My friend Cassie (25F) is also pregnant, and about 7 weeks ahead of me.
At first it was awesome being pregnant together— we’d vent about things, talk about how excited we are, plan mommy-to-be dates, etc. But now her attitude has been rubbing me the wrong way and I can’t stand talking to her about it anymore.
She’s gone from occasional venting to texting me upwards of 5 times a day about every horrible symptom she has. What bothers me is that I also have a lot of the same irritating pregnancy symptoms, but when I try to sympathize she pulls the “oh just WAIT until you’re at _____ weeks!” card as if it’s some strange competition.
So I dropped the sympathy angle and decided to just send her positive messages instead. But she totally sidesteps my attempts at positivity or my suggestions and complains about something else.
For example, if I suggested a medicine I took for heartburn she’d reply “no I’ll just throw it up.” If I tried to suggest that she take some time off work because she’s clearly unhappy, she’d reply “I can’t, I don’t have enough sick days.”
Which is fair, I guess, but it gets old very quick being shot down over and over. She ignores all my upbeat messages about staying strong and that she’s almost there and that she can do it and replies with “I’m miserable” instead.
What pushed me over the edge is she also stopped asking me about my pregnancy completely. Never checks in with me, never asks about my baby, and when I try to share anything positive she hardly acknowledges it.
I went from feeling like we were in this together to feeling like she is the only pregnant one. I finally snapped when she texted me about her swollen ankles for the 20th time and said that I’m already anxious enough with my own due date creeping up and that her negativity is ruining my own pregnancy.
I told her that I’m not feeling great either, but I’m not sending her lists of all of my ailments every morning and I suggested she start venting to her husband instead of me.
I obviously hurt her feelings— she read it and hasn’t spoken to me since. I feel completely justified, but my husband said I shouldn’t have said anything, that she’s “clearly struggling more”, and that I should just basically treat her with pity because she’s so unhappy.
I think she’s a total downer and I don’t need that energy weighing me down, but now I’m wondering if I’m being insensitive because she is so close to giving birth and clearly having more complications than I am. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
twelvedayslate
Does she think she’s the first pregnant person ever? She sounds obnoxious. The last trimester of pregnancy sucks for everyone. I guarantee once her baby is born she’s going to act like she’s the only one kept up all night by a newborn.
Then the only one whose baby cries a lot from teething. Then the only one with a toddler who throws random tantrums. The list goes on. You are NTA. And congratulations!
leprechaun_dong (OP)
This was how I felt— I’m not minimizing her troubles, but I’m pretty sure all pregnant women have a rough go lol and now I am worried about her comparing our babies after they’re born.
dryadduinath
NTA, this sounds like a real pain to deal with and you already have enough of those. Venting is the kind of thing that should be either brief or mutual, imho. Hers is all the time and all about her, which is not okay.
Also, mention to your husband that she isn’t actually “clearly struggling more” as you deal with all the same problems she does (as you mentioned up top) and you don’t have the bandwidth to play silent listening ear on top of that. If she wants to have an actual conversation where you both are heard, she knows where to find you.
QuirkyFunUsername
NTA. She sounds insufferable. Pregnancy can be miserable. The last 6-8 weeks were awful for me with both of my kids. That doesn't mean I only talked about that or tried to one-up people.
I think boundaries should be set NOW. Can you imagine how she's going to be once your babies are born? It will either be that her baby never sleeps and you have no idea how hard she has it. OR her baby is a great sleeper and she rubs it in your face. Then she'll compare when they start crawling, talking, walking, etc. Is this the first time she's done this or is it the first time you've noticed?
leprechaun_dong (OP)
This is the first time I noticed, but in hindsight she has done it before with our jobs (we work together) and now I remember her saying she felt like her cousin was “always competing with her” for who would get married/have kids first. She must see everyone as competition for some reason.
ObligationWeekly9117
NTA. I get your frustration. If she is as passive aggressive as she sounds to me, then she is the cause of a lot of her own problems), her family sucks, her landlord sucks, her neighbors have it out for her. And if I try to suggest any solution (including, but not limited to, just TALKING to the people who makes her unhappy) she always has a reason why the problem is unfixable.
It's exhausting. I never feel like I had fun after being around her. So I just don't hang out with her much anymore. No need to confront. Just gray rock until she (hopefully) gets over it.