'AITA for telling my SIL and her husband that foster care is better than being taken in by family who don't want you?'
"AITA for telling my SIL and her husband that foster care is better than being taken in by family who don't want you?"
I (27m) spent most of my childhood in foster care but I also had the slightly more unique experience of having family, who after I was removed from my parents, did take me in.
But they were family members who did not want me and the year I lived with them was one of the worst of my life and was by far worse than the 11 years I spent in foster care. Grudges held against one of my parents meant there was no love or affection or kindness for me.
I'm still not sure why they took me in. But it only lasted a year and then they told the case worker they couldn't keep doing it and I fully entered the system. I never got adopted, had some really crappy foster families, but all of that was still better than the year I lived with the relatives.
If I had to explain why I'd say it's largely due to how damaging it can be for biological relatives to show so much resentment and distain for you. Growing up I used to hear all the time how families should stand by each other and how family love was a sure thing.
So being a kid and not being loved by family can make you feel so much more unlovable and I sure as hell know I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Even though young me was told about the issues between the relative and my parent it didn't stop me from blaming myself.
That year of my life took over a decade to heal from and therapy when I left the system was the biggest asset to me in that. I explained all this because I need to provide context for why I said what I did.
My wife's sister and her husband were approached to take in the husband's two very young half siblings. He has never met them and has no interest in a relationship. There is no other biological family to ask, just him.
His interest in them or care for them is zero but they worried about looking bad by saying no when the kids' other option is foster care. And he knows the kids are innocent of the issues he had with his biological mother. They wondered if they should take them in anyway and they knew I had some experience.
I told them that foster care is far better than being taken in by family who don't want you. I told them it is so much more damaging if they get taken in by bio family who couldn't treat them with even the most basic of care.
How it can be extra harmful and unless they are willing to work on wanting them and willing to work on forming a relationship then the kids would be better off trying to find a foster family. I told them taking them in and not forming a relationship would be awful for the kids.
A friend of theirs was around when we were talking and she berated me for the comments I made. She said foster care is the worst place for a kid to be and indifferent bio relatives are better than all the abuse that happens in foster care.
I argued that foster care can be better and it sure was my experience, even at it's worst. She claimed I was biased and not thinking about the reality of being in foster care. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. There is never a one size fits all answer to anything. Life is a roll of the dice. Sometimes you crap out and sometimes you don't. It was perfectly fine for you to speak about your own experiences.
Exactly! Not every family situation is a fairytale. Sometimes foster care can genuinely be a better option, and it’s brave to share that perspective.
I totally agree with you. It’s so much worse for kids to be in a situation where family members take them in but don’t care about them at all. That emotional neglect can be way more damaging than foster care, even with its flaws.
Kids need love and stability, not to feel like a burden. It’s better they’re in a place where people actually care, even if it’s not family. You're just being honest about your own experience and trying to protect those kids.
Nta. But what's wrong with her? Is she ever being adopted? She live in foster care before? Cut out the fantasyland about loving bio family, real life is worst when being with family that didn't want you. OP, don't argue with karen, don't lower yourself to their level.
NTA. You shared what you learned from your lived experience. You gave the prospective "new parents" valuable information to help them make an informed decision with the children's best interest at heart. That never makes a person an AH.
What's wrong with this "friend" YOU actually spent time in foster care and are able to give an profound opinion on the system. Seeing the real world just shows at least 50% of families are dysfunctional mostly even more so family is not equal good. If he doesn't want to take responsibility of 2 young kids then he should not take them if he is willing to put effort and care then he is obviously the better choice.
NTA - The “reality” of being in foster care? You LIVED that reality! You would know it better than anyone! Your family approached YOU for advice, knowing your history, and you gave your honest opinion and advice.
This friend of theirs had no business butting in to a family matter that will not affect them in any way, and CERTAINLY had no right to tell YOU how to feel about YOUR past and trauma that you have worked so hard to heal from.