'AITA for telling my SIL she should be ashamed of herself?'
"AITA for telling my SIL she should be ashamed of herself?"
Technical-Rush6746
My brother had two kids with his ex by the time he was 21. He stuck around for a couple of years but when they broke up he left the kids too. He paid no child support, made no effort to keep in touch with the kids, did not check if they were okay, nothing.
The rest of my family let the relationship drop too but I (38m) was the exception. I stayed part of my niece and nephew's lives. I still have a good relationship with them today and they're close to my kids.
Five years ago my brother got married and now he's expecting baby #3 with his wife. After settling into family life he started to think more about his oldest two and he made the decision to reach out to them.
He was met with silence initially and then after speaking to his ex, he got a brief message from his kids that they were still mad and hurt that he left. They had contact for about a month and it was sporadic.
He asked if they could meet in person and the kids said no. But they said they would do a video call with him one time and that was it. This call happened 2.5 months into their "reconciliation".
At some point during this he mentioned wanting them to meet his wife and other kids. They told him that was not going to happen and they didn't want to reconcile with him. My brother was surprised, he had thought that them opening up to him about being angry and hurt was a sign that they were willing to work through that.
They told him it would be one thing if he hadn't settled down and started a family all over again but the fact he did that and then reached out to them was too much for them and they want nothing to do with the family he created now.
This led to a back and forth where he said they have younger siblings and they told him very clearly they will never acknowledge or accept them as siblings and they will never accept him as their dad and he needs to move on.
I spoke to my niece and nephew after the call, they reach out to me, and they said it was good to close that door and to have the decision be their own. They felt like they got closure.
My brother wasn't prepared for the outcome and his wife is furious that my niece and nephew rejected them for existing. She started badmouthing the kids at my parents house in front of all of us.
My brother told her to stop. But she told him they should be ashamed of themselves for reacting like spoiled brats who don't get their way and punishing innocent children when they're supposed to be grown adults now.
I told SIL she should be ashamed of herself for talking like that about the kids my brother abandoned and didn't give a second thought to until he had settled down with her and their kids.
I told her she should learn to be a mature adult and accept that his actions had consequences and this is one of them. Cue her being offended and saying I have no right to speak to her that way and some of my family telling me I should have said nothing. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Alternative-Gur-6208
Nta. Your brother, his new wife and the rest of your family that supported him being a deadbeat dad definitely are the AH. Your niece and nephew seem very level headed and mature.
Technical-Rush6746 OP responded:
I could never understand the rest of my family not making the effort to stay part of my niece and nephew's lives. Even if he wasn't part of their lives, they are still our family. I'm so proud of my niece and nephew. They have come a long way.
BulbasaurRanch
NTA. She needs to understand that what her husband did was disgusting and he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. She is owed absolutely nothing, and you were right to shut her down.
Her and her children are nothing to them, and she has no right to expect they want to embrace any of them. Good for you, not sitting by and letting her have a tantrum about a situation that doesn’t revolve around SIL.
Technical-Rush6746 OP responded:
She actually thinks the kids actions are more disgusting believe it or not. She said they know the pain of rejection and yet do the same to her children and it boggles my mind. The way she can blame them so fiercely and yet acts like my brother did nothing wrong. It'll never make sense to me.
squirrelsareevil2479
NTA. Brother is a deadbeat who leaves his children, doesn't support them and has nothing to do with their lives for years. SIL decides they're spoiled brats when they don't want to reconcile and meet their siblings.
Who exactly spoiled these kids and how is expecting a parent to step up become "not getting their way". SIL thinks it's fine to say horrible things about the abandoned children but you have no right to say anything to her. There is a spoiled brat here but it's SIL not the kids. Good on you for pointing out the consequences.
dart1126
NTA.
"…she told him they should be ashamed of themselves for reacting like spoiled brats who don’t get their way."
Oh yeah, those unnecessary histrionics when their dad completely acted like they didn’t exist for years, I mean, come on kids! Then you simply call her out in nicer language than she used, and she says you offended her and have no right to speak to her that way….um, yeah sure. NTA at all. Your brother is an jerk who married one.
blueeyedwolff
NTA. Your brother abandoned his kids and his wife has the gall to say the KIDS should be ashamed of themselves?! Both your brother and SIL suck, big time. Thank you, OP for not abandoning those kids.