'AITA for telling my former friend turned SIL that I'm never going to be her comfort person again?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my former friend turned SIL that I'm never going to be her comfort person again?"
I (25m) used to have the biggest crush on my childhood friend "Emily" (26f). As a teen I wasn't very assertive and a little awkward so I never made a move and just hoped that one day Emily would realize that I was the guy for her.
The only person who I openly admitted my crush (although it was kind of obvious) to was my brother "Liam" (28m). He was much more assertive and confident than I was and would run through girls like water so I went to him for advice about Emily.
Given the situation at the time you can imagine my surprise when I caught Liam and Emily hooking up. I know that she technically was never my girlfriend but it still sucked and I did feel betrayed. Turns out they hooked up at a party once and liked the encounter so much that they kept meeting up to do it when no one was around.
I felt completely sick and basically just distanced myself from Emily after that, which could be really awkward because we had a lot of classes together and had the same shift at the part-time job we had. A job that Emily frequently depended on me to give her rides to.
I just wanted to remove Emily from my life completely but during the summer of our senior year she and Liam sat me and my parents down and explained that Emily had gotten pregnant and were planning on keeping the baby. My parents weren't happy while I just got up and locked myself in my room. All I could think was "Well crap, now she's never going to go away."
I purposefully transferred to an Out-Of-State College so I wouldn't be home as much and lied about getting stuck in traffic when I missed Emily and Liam's wedding and I showed no interest in my niece "Daisy" (8f), although I still make the effort to be polite when I'm around them.
Recently, Emily's father has passed away and she's really going through it because despite him not being around she always desired a relationship. When we were kids I remember all those times I was a shoulder for Emily to cry on whenever she felt sad about her dad and I guess she was longing for that type of comfort from me and kept reaching out.
One day I relented and let her vent but I maintained a silent and formal demeanor on the matter. After spending about an hour crying I offered Emily some water and then she asked me why I was being so cold, how I know how much she needed a friend right now.
I calmly yet firmly told her that we were just kids then and that if she wants that level of emotional intimacy then she needs to go to my brother, her husband, because I stopped being her comfort person a long time ago.
Emily cried even more, left, and has managed to send Liam, my parents, Emily's mom, and from mutual friends to call me up and tell me I'm heartless and sad for being so spiteful. I can honestly say that I am now over Emily but that doesn't mean I'm willing to be as close to her as I used to so AITA?
Later the same day, the OP returned.
I had to step away and after looking, I just wanted to be clear about somethings:
• Not an Incel. • Did I exhibit some "Nice Guy" traits as a teenager? Yes. As an adult I now realize that Emily doesn't owe me a romantic relationship. • I was more angry at my brother than I was Emily. Because, you know, he was my brother and KNEW.
• I don't see how me not taking an active role in the life of a child that I didn't make is me "punishing" someone. I say "Hello" and give gifts on Christmas and Holidays. • Again, Emily is married so I find it odd that she would seek out someone who ISN'T her husband for emotional support.
• Yes, I did give my condolences when I found out about Emily's father because it was the polite thing to do. Then she started trying to call me to talk about it. • Emily and I haven't had an meaningful contact since high school partly because she was busy getting ready to be a mom and I was hurt and trying to get over her.
• No, Liam and I aren't close anymore either. • ETA 2: Things I didn't include because of word count.• Yes, I have a girlfriend and from what I can tell we're both very happy. • Yes, my girlfriend knows about my former crush on Emily. • Yes, I have friends who are women. • Yes, I do believe people of the opposite sex can just be friends when they're adults.
• Also, in spite of everything I did learn to be more forth coming with my feelings which is why I told Emily that I can't be her comfort person. Although I will admit that there could've been a better way and better timing to communicate that.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Update: Okay I've stepped away and after coming back and seeing the thousands commenters and Reddit's verdict I can accept that the WAY I told Emily that I couldn't be her comfort person anymore was wrong, the timing especially, I do not feel bad about being honest where I stand with her.
I am not sorry about keeping my distance and I've yet to regret not pursuing a relationship with my brother's daughter. I don't know if Emily ever found out about my feelings for her because it was never discussed but I don't see how telling her now would change anything.
I am truly over her and happy with my girlfriend, I would never pick Emily over my girlfriend, and I've yet to see a reason why I need to rekindle a friendship with her in order to prove it to anyone.
My brother betrayed me. He knew how I felt and still went after Emily and I refuse to ever be close with him again over it. That is my boundary and so far it's been working out well for me and the day our parent(s) die is the day I cut Liam out of my life completely.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You had a crush in high school on a girl, but never asked her out. Somebody else did, and she married them. It’s a decade later and you still ignore her kid—who is literally your niece—because you’re salty about it. Dude. This isn’t healthy. Please get help. I have to put YTA but like, this is beyond AITA.
He never told her what his feelings were but he is going to punish her kid for her not taking responsibility for his feelings. Big yikes. YTA.
I can see the comments are pretty divided over how OP dealt with all this, but I think we can all agree that his brother was pretty scummy in pursuing a girl he knew OP was pining for, no?
100% brother is a d-bag. Knew his little bro was crushing on this girl, and not only decided to hook up with her at a party, but continued to do so, knocked her up when she was still a teenager and married her. He didn’t just break bro code, he broke brother’s code.
And that’s not to say OP had any rights to a relationship with Emily, but usually when someone you’re close to confides in you they like someone, you help them confess. NOT sleep with them and marry them. Hell I’d be bitter at my brother too. Even if Emily would never reciprocate feelings and the brother and her would still eventually date, you gotta at least give OP a chance and help him confess.
If your sibling confided in you about a crush why would you go after them?
He could’ve threw it out there that op liked her & went on his way.
Look, it's not like he's just been cold to her since her father died. He's been cold to her and her family for the whole 9 years. She just noticed that when she want to rely on him for emotional comfort. Why not go to your husband? Not some dude who hadn't been that close to you for almost a decade now.
Am I the only one who thinks it weird to think he would suddenly be her friend when he barely knows her daughter. They used to be friends and aren't anymore. Maybe could have been a bit softer but he got his point across and that's the important thing.
I don't get how he the AH for telling someone he doesn't want to be in their lives. He let her vent he didn't interrupt her venting. He just answered her question quite directly. I think people missed the part about him hating his brother more than he liked Emily and hate always wins that battle.
You’ve spent 9 years being so bitter. That’s really sad for you. I don’t think you’re TA for telling Emily you can’t be that person for her, but you’re definitely TA for spending so much time being angry and obstinate. Don’t spend the rest of your life like this, it will only bring more of the same.
YTA. Look man, I get that your brother did this and was an AH, but honestly? You're taking this one way too far. If one childhood crush is this devastating that you're moving states and ignoring nephews and families, this means you should go to Therapy to help process the pain. Also you never really told her you liked her, so how would she know.
When she came to you she came to someone who she could rely on, and you went "Go to the guy that actually wants you!". That's really immature. I mean it really shows he still needs some growing to do. I mean he only said condolences because it was the polite thing to do?, dude she's your SIL and was your childhood friend that did nothing to you. How cruel.