'AITA for telling my SIL she can't use me to replace my dead twin?'
"AITA for telling my SIL she can't use me to replace my dead twin?"
I am 35 m. I am an identical twin. I know Im meant to say "was" because my brother died but I can't do it. Maybe one day I will but, until then, it will be "I am." My brother Sam died last year.
His passing hit me and my nephews 5 and 7 and my SIL hard. We both went into depression and I'm still getting help for my grief. My SIL refused help. Now that I have time to think it over, Amber clung on to me. Or rather what I look like.
Me and Sam are complete opposites. He wanted a traditional family and Im all about business and traveling. After his funeral she asked if I could stay at her house which I shouldn't have because that is when this whole mess started.
A day turned into weeks and then months. I was basically doing what Sam did. Being a husband and father. Just without the intimacy. My friends tried to warn me about what was happening, but I didn't listen.
A couple of weeks ago, an incident woke me up to how wrong this was when I was out with the boys and I saw an old friend. We caught up and she invited me to go out with her. It was the first time since Sam died when I was interested in going out.
When we got home, the boys told Amber about the invite and she got upset and accused me of cheating on her! She kept saying, "How could you do this Sam?" I said, I"'m not Sam!" But she completely ignored that fact. I left with her screaming at me.
I went to a friend's house and all through the following weeks Amber was constantly texting and ringing and asking when I'm coming home and saying the boys missed me. I missed them too, but I had finally woken up and told her she needs help.
I apologized to her for letting it go on that long but it upset her more. She wanted to meet and sort it out and I told her she cant replace Sam with me and she lost it on the phone. I hung up.
Her parents approached me at work and asked that I help her. I said I can't and they said they are afraid she going to do something bad to herself and only seemed calm around me. I refused.
My nephews have been ringing and texting saying they are scared. I told her parents and they said I can make it right by helping her. I'm starting to feel bad for my nephews. AITA for not wanting to help?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA but dude those kids are stuck in a potentially dangerous situation. Contact CPS, your parents, her parents, whatever it takes to get those kids out. She's clearly not well and shouldn't be trusted around her kids right now.
Absolutely this, Amber definitely needs help and so do the children. It sounds as though some grief counseling would help you as well. I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA, obviously.
NTA. You need to tell not only her parents, but the rest of your family that they need to look at possibly involuntary commitment because of how concerned you are. She needs to snap out of this delusion. And the kids need therapy so goddamn badly.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I very much get that you were trying to do a good thing and it just kind of messed into this train wreck. You all need therapy. But she might need to be committed, for her sake and that of the kids.
Her parents need to step in. "I love my nephews. I'm fond of their mother, but I am not okay with stepping into a role that isn't mine. I'm grieving my twin. My brother. My other half. She isn't.
She just slotted me in there. I'm not Sam. I'm not her husband. I'm not the father of her boys. And everyone needs to recognize that. I'm going away for awhile until this is taken care of. I do NOT want to hear anything about anything negative about this afterwards being my fault.
Her actions are her own. Even if she's not well. You're her parents. Take care of her and your grandkids." You need to step away to a whole other city. Heal yourself and give them all space.
NTA. It’s not your job to be her crutch for the rest of her life. If her parents are so worried about her hurting herself, they need to talk to her about getting help or have her committed. She is not your wife and they are not your children. Her parents are trying to pawn their job off on you.
She is their child, that never stops, and they should help her. Grief is a complex beast that can ruin your life if you let it and depression is usually its companion. But that isn’t something you can fix, it’s only something your SIL can fix. She needs professional help, not a body double.
SIL's parents should step up and help out their grandkids. They are all refusing to see how SIL seeing you as Sam/her husband is harmful. It's unfair to put it all on you and say only you can make it right. It seems like they have no regard for you and don't care if their daughter stays in delulu land as long as she doesn't get hit by reality and has a breakdown.
I don't normally say this but alerting the authority or CPS and explain the situation and why you can't be involved will be a better solution if the grandparents or other family members don't step up and get SIL the help she needs or at least help the kids.
This is now officially above the internet's pay grade. Your small nephews are reaching out to you and are terrified because of her mental health. you need to tell her parents very clearly that either she gets immediate and intensive treatment and that they take over the care for the children until she is stable or you will get CPS and law enforcement involved.
There is no way that anyone should be heaping this on you. Let alone blaming you. Also, you are still an identical twin. That title doesn't get removed with the death of one twin.
I have an identical twin sister and I'm just going to be up front that our relationship is not great and never has been But it is an incredibly unique relationship and when one of us dies it's really going to be messed up for the other one. So I'm really sorry about your brother.