'AITA for telling my SIL she's 'pathetic' and needs to stop trying to one up me and my wife?'

"AITA for telling my SIL to get over herself and stop trying to one up us?"

My (29M) wife (27F) and her sister (30F) got pregnant around the same time. The babies are the first of a new generation on their side of the family so everyone was excited. SIL was further along, but my wife ended up giving birth on week 32, plus she had some complications that had her hospitalized. My nephew was born 2 weeks later at full term.

Apparently SIL was resenting "having her thunder stolen" and felt like she and her new baby weren't getting enough attention. She keeps making these comments like she's trying to one-up us. First she was saying how sorry she was that my wife missed the "golden hour" because they had to take our son to the NICU.

This upset my wife since during her hospitalization she was often too sick to visit the NICU and she's already feeling crappy about missing skin-to-skin on those first few weeks.

After we started to bring our son to family gatherings SIL started comparing the boys. Saying how much bigger and more alert her son looks like compared to ours and how he hit more milestones.

Last weekend we had lunch at my in laws'. My wife and I were excited to tell everyone that our son laughed for the first time earlier that day (he's 5.5 months old). MIL and FIL were having a good time watching the video when SIL made another comment about how HER son did that a month ago. I don't know why that was the last straw, but I just about had it.

I told SIL that she's pathetic for trying to one-up a freaking baby. That her full term son wasn't special for being more developed than a preemie. That she should get the f*** over not giving birth to the first grandbaby.

Needless to say this ruined lunch and my wife's family is pissed. I admit I was harsh with my words and tone and this was the first time I confronted her family like this. Up until now we'd each handle our own relatives. But these comments upset my wife and pissed me off. So AITA for being so harsh and not staying in "my" lane?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

gymngdoll said:

NTA. How did your wife respond?

OP responded:

Happy that I spoke up because she was having a hard time telling her sister it makes her feel like crap. But feels bad that they're pissed

Expert_Salad8102 said:

NTA. Your SIL is a grown woman competing with a PREEMIE. That is embarrassing behavior, and someone needed to call her out. Your wife has already been through hell and back with a traumatic early birth, NICU stays, and recovery. And instead of supporting her, this woman is out here making passive-aggressive jabs about things your wife already feels heartbroken about? Absolutely not. And the worst part?

She’s acting like her full-term baby is some kind of prodigy when, newsflash, that’s just how development works. No one is shocked that her baby hit milestones sooner—because he literally had a two-month head start. That’s not an achievement, that’s basic biology.

Your reaction was warranted because this wasn’t a one-time slip-up—this was a pattern of nasty behavior that your wife has been dealing with for MONTHS. And instead of anyone else in the family checking her, they’ve been letting her act like a jealous brat.

And now they’re mad at you because you finally said what everyone else was thinking? Too damn bad. Maybe they should’ve spoken up sooner, and you wouldn’t have had to. You weren’t harsh. You were correct. She needs to get over herself and stop trying to compete with a baby who fought just to be here.

OhmsWay-71 said:

Sure, you could have handled it differently, but that might not have stopped the sh!tty behaviour. You had justifiably had enough and said what needed to be said. Your SIL will likely think twice before making any more comparisons out loud, which needed to happen.

Who knows why she is doing it. She might be postpartum, she might just be jealous. None of that needs to concern you. You did what was right for your family and you put the bully in her place. Bravo.

FutureOk6751 said:

Info: Did you every once try talking to SIL calmly about this before blowing up at her?

And OP responded:

No. Mostly just trying to ignore her comments.

RuthlessBenedict said:

I would love to hear the SIL’s side here too. Is she really trying to “one-up” or is this just a very ungenerous interpretation from OP of another new mom trying to feel like she matters too. Two new babies, two new moms. One of those pair had a much more dramatic and tougher start and I will put money on that influencing how each were treated.

I say that as a preemie parent myself. My kid got sooo much more focus than a cousin (unfairly!) due to the circumstances around their birth. OP should ask themselves and be honest- is SIL really being a competitive witch or is she also a new mom wanting equal care and attention for her baby too?

It’s tough when one experience overshadows another in the family, especially when both are big life changing moments.

OP responded:

I guess my wife and son got more focus at first when they were hospitalized, but from what I see in family gatherings at least my in laws give the cousin plenty of love and attention. They definitely enjoy playing with him as he's more "interactive" and communicative than our son (which again makes sense when you take corrected age into account)