'AITA for telling my SIL that family shouldn't have to call her 'doctor' just because she now has a PhD?'
"AITA for telling my SIL that family shouldn't have to call her 'doctor' just because she now has a PhD?"
So, I have a SIL(f53) that after her kids had grown she went back to school, then got her Master's then PHD in literature. Let us say her name is Elizabeth. We were all proud of her doing this.
She has recently working part time at the library and part time online professor at the community College. The family has not had a big family gathering for years it seems. My kids were just getting into their teens.
Our entire family has called her "Beth" for 36 yrs. Of course our kids called her aunt or auntie Beth. Even after her Master's degree. So our kids and a couple of my nephews went to give her a hug and said "Hi Aunt Beth you look great".
She told them "don't you know it is rude to call someone with a PhD by their first name or "aunt". You will address me as Doctor Elizabeth Jones( her maiden name)." My one nephew said "you are our aunt, not our doctor".
It was then she pulled my brothers and I aside and said to teach our kids some respect because Aunt is childish and regardless of relation, someone with a doctorate should be addressed as doctor and her legal name she was born with.
I told her that it was fine in a public place or if they see her at the library, but one, they only knew her as Beth and most of them didn't know she started using her maiden name again. No they are not separated. I guess she hyphens the last names but for years signed letters etc as just the family name.
She ended up telling her husband, my brother "Tim", it was time to go and that they were not going to any more family functions because his family cannot use professional etiquette.
Tim told her he would say goodbyes and be right out to the car. He came and apologized and said she has been this way since she started teaching. He even said she won't let him call her Beth. Were we wrong? If knew it before we would have reminded everyone.
Edit: Thank you to all who responded. Some even gave me some helpful ideas to consider this strange behavior of hers that has been going on since she got the degree. I just wanted to get others perspective as maybe I didn't know if things have changed since others I know got their doctorate. I may actually give some of the ideas to my brother Tim. Thanks again.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
"she won't let him call her Beth"
NTA. She sounds crazy.
Yeah, her insecurity is way out of control.
Feels like she's using the title to fill a void she can't acknowledge.
NTA. If I was you, every time I was around her, I would ask: What's up Doc?
Both my parents have PhDs, so pretty much all of their friends did when I was growing up. None of them ever asked us to address them as doctor (even the ones with actual medical degrees), nor do academics generally use their title outside very formal situations. Expecting your nieces and nephews to call you doctor is ridiculous.
Not just her nephews. Her husband said she won't even let him call her Beth either. So is she really and truly expecting her own husband to call her doctor?🤣 This woman needs to come down from her high unicorn she's been riding.
She's definitely gotten way too big for her britches. NTA OP and don't you or your family dare call her doctor unless you are mocking her big balloon headed ass.
NTA. Family functions aren't a professional space, so there's no reason to use professional etiquette. It's appropriate to call her Dr. Jones at the library or if you take her course, but not around the family dinner table or holiday gathering. She's weird.
She wants to be called by her professional name in a non professional setting, that doctorate made her head too big. NTA.
She sounds insufferable. I know tons of people with doctorates. They only ask to be called doctor (or professor) in the workplace.
Sounds like Beth is having a midlife crisis with a side of post menopause for good measure. Speaking as a college prof surrounded by PhDs titles are only used in "professional" settings. Beth sounds like maybe she's having a bit of postdoc letdown. SO many years of work and she's just adjunct faculty at a CC and part time work at a library. Does she really make her husband call her "doctor"?
IMVenting66 (OP)
She has him call her Elizabeth now. Glad you mentioned menopause. I was going to mention to my brother if she had started it. The other thing, though not wanting to make my brother or nieces look bad, but wonder also if she expected a lot more attention since she is what some called a mature student.
My brother didn't throw her a party like maybe they did when their kids graduated high school. In fact I don't think the girls were even able to get home. You may have a good point about her also thinking she may have hoped it would be a big jump into a a better position. Thanks for your input.
Yeah no. The vast majority of us in the West save that title for our work life. I'll admit to using it a coupla times when I was younger in a very frosty way when some stranger I didn't know was being an AH and dismissing what I said about my exact area of expertise, but I don't even do that anymore.