'AITA for telling my sister and her kids they need to find their own place after living with me for almost three years?'
"AITA for telling my sister and her kids they need to find their own place after living with me for almost three years?"
Almost three years ago my older sister and her two kids needed somewhere to stay. She had just left a bad relationship and her credit was trashed and she couldn't get approved for anything on her own.
I had a three bedroom apartment that was just me and my son so I told her she could move in with us until she got back on her feet. I gave her the bigger bedroom so she could be near the kids. My son and I moved into the smallest room.
I literally bought a mini fridge and a microwave for our room because sharing the kitchen became impossible. Not because I was being petty but because the mess and the chaos was constant and I couldn't function in it. I just quietly made myself smaller.
The living room is my furniture. The dining table is mine. I don't use any of it anymore. Her kids stuff is everywhere. I come home from work and go straight to my room most nights because the common areas don't feel like mine anymore.
The original plan was maybe a year. Then a year turned into her saying she still couldn't qualify for a place because of her rental history. I renewed my lease for another year to give her more time. That lease is up in a few months and I told her I'm not renewing again. I'm looking for a new place for just me and my son.
She started crying and said they have nowhere to go. Said they might end up in a shelter. Her ex isn't helping with anything and she still hasn't been able to save enough for a deposit anywhere.
I feel terrible. I love those kids. But I have been putting my entire life on pause. My older daughter wants to come stay with me over breaks from school and theres literally no room.
I started seeing someone last year and I cant even have him over because theres no space or privacy. My son is 11 now and sharing a tiny room with his mom and he's never once complained but I can tell he's over it.
I've done everything I can think of. I helped her apply for assistance programs. I connected her with a housing counselor. I even offered to pay her deposit somewhere if she could get approved. But nothing has moved forward and I honestly don't know if its because she can't or because she knows she doesn't have to because I'm here.
And that's the part that eats at me. Because I don't want to think that about my own sister but three years is a long time and the situation hasn't changed at all. She still doesn't have savings.
She still hasn't fixed her credit. And every time I bring up the timeline she cries and I fold. Not this time though. I told her the lease ends and I'm done and she hasn't spoken to me in four days. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Three months is help. Three years is enabling. You’ve done more than enough.
Right, support isn’t supposed to be endless. When years go by with no effort to change, it stops being help and turns into taking advantage. You’ve more than done your part.
Exactly this, OP! When someone stops making any effort to change their situation, the burden shifts entirely onto the person providing support. That’s not sustainable, and it’s not fair. You weren’t offering a years-long rent-free arrangement; you were offering temporary help she chose not to build on.
the crying every time you bring up timeline is kinda manipulative tbh. maybe not evil, but def avoidant. you even offered to pay a deposit. what more are you supposed to do, sign the lease for her too? NTA.
Yeah OP I agree! The crying every time you bring up a timeline really does come off as avoiding the issue. You offered help, even a deposit, and she still didn’t take any steps. You’re not responsible for signing a lease for her or putting your whole life on pause. You’ve done more than enough.
I'm gonna add that she will be the jerk to her son if this arrangement continues. Gosh, kudos to the son for adapting quietly to this weird situation. Giving up the bigger room, sharing the small room together, giving up the rest of the apartment - what about the needs of the son for a normal living situation. I can't believe this.
Three years of you shrinking your entire life into one room and she has made zero progress on getting out that tells you everything you need to know?
"But I have been putting my entire life on pause."
You have put your child's life on pause. If you don't care about your own comfort, DO IT FOR HIM.
Don't cave. Don't teach him to be walked all over. Don't teach him to make himself smaller. And for the love of dog, don't continue ruining his life for someone that doesn't deserve it.
You are not the jerk but you are the idiot. After a year you should have been sitting with your sister to go over her finances - income and expenses- to come up with a plan. You should have told her you need monthly proof she’s adhering to the plan.
That would have been the best way to protect yourself and help her. Lots of unanswered questions, like what about your parents helping her or the father’s parents or childcare payments from the father?
Yeah, it's time. If she hasn't saved, that's on her. She's had 3 YEARS to get her shot together. She's been using you and you let her. She turns on the water works and you cave. Grow a shiny spine and tell her "no". No more.
It's her problem she hasn't done nothing in 3 years to better her life. Meanwhile she's adding burden to you who is a single mom and your poor son. You can't drown yourself helping someone who refuses to learn to swim.