'AITA for telling my sister that at least my kids talk to me?'
"AITA for telling my sister that at least my kids talk to me?"
My (39f) stepdaughter Zoey turned 18 last Friday. It's been a tradition in my family to gift the oldest daughters on their 18th birthday a necklace that my great great grandma had.
Since I consider Zoey my daughter and she's my oldest I thought I would continue the tradition with her. This meant a lot to Zoey and we shared a really deep and meaningful hug where she told me how grateful she was to have me as a mom. Hearing this made me so happy.
During her birthday dinner my sister Grace (34) came over. She sat down with us out back and asked what we got Zoey for her birthday. I told her about gifting Zoey the necklace and she made a face.
She said that I would have gifted the necklace to Nina (5) when she turns 18. I asked her why she thought that and Grace told me point blank that Zoey wasn't biologically my daughter so I shouldn't give her the necklace.
I have to be honest, this pissed me off and I wanted nothing then to yell and scream at her in this moment, but I stayed calm. I told her that I considered Zoey my daughter and since she was my oldest child the necklace was rightfully hers now.
Grace told me that the necklace belongs to our family and Zoey wasn't biologically related to us so the necklace shouldn't go to her. She continued by saying that I should get it back and wait until Nina comes to age to give it to my real child. I snapped and said that Zoey was my real child and if she couldn't see or respect that then she can leave.
Grace threw a fit telling me that I was wrong for kicking her out over a child who isn't even mine. I'll admit that I hit a low blow and said at least my kids still talk to me. It was wrong and I regretted it immediately but she was being extremely disrespectful by telling me that Zoey wasn't my daughter.
After that she packed up her things and left. It's been a week and I have been getting calls from both my mother and aunt telling me that I was wrong for what I said. My dad and husband are on my side but I'm still feeling guilty. So was I wrong for what I said to my sister?
ETA: I have been seeing a few people ask and I'm just going to answer her. I have been in Zoey's life since she was four years old and I officially adopted her when six years old. I should have said that when I was making the post but I wanted to focus on the question at hand and didn't want to add too much or make it too long.
As for why my sister's kids don't talk to her it's because she was a pretty bad mom to them and was often very neglectful of them. Her now ex-husband has full custody over the kids and they really don't want anything to do with her because of how she treated them when they were young. To add also, her oldest is only 13 and the youngest is 6.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
lol @ your sis. I was raised by a step father and I had a very involved biological father. Currently, I am the step father to a little girl (little? She’s almost 14 now 🫣) who has a very involved biological father.
She is MY daughter. Everything I have is hers. If I die tomorrow, she gets a chunk of everything I’ve ever built. A little while ago, she excitedly tried on and showed me her middle school graduation dress that her and her mother just bought today. If I had a family heirloom to give her, I would. Your sister is a b**chhhh.
NTA but...... my brother gave his stepdaughter a ring that survived in myfsmiky for like 7 generations. Nothing fancy but super important. He and his wife split up, and now that ring is gone forever. No one in our family will ever hear the history or stories, so I get why your sister thinks the way she does. NOT saying she went about it the right way. But from a family histories stand point.
My dad is my step dad. Anyone who knows me and and hears me talk about my dad will eventually come to find out he’s my “step” dad but that man is my father and I would assume his reaction would be on par with yours. People just don’t understand but you’re the parents who stepped up and those of us who know, know how special that is.
NTA people need to stop feeling bad for handing out truths to people who refuse to stop pushing when they are asked nicely to do so. Forget taking the high road! Your sister didn’t hold back her ugly “truth” that Zoe isn’t your biological daughter and, therefore, wasn’t worthy of a sentimental gift of love.
Therefore it was appropriate to meet her energy with a truth. Bullies only back down when met with equal energy. You protected Zoe, never will you be an AH for defending someone you love from someone who should have known when to stop. Good job.
My eldest brother is my half brother. His birth father let his idiot friends convince him that my mom was trying to baby trap him and he left. My dad fell in love with and married my mom. Had my second eldest brother. Then legally adopted my eldest brother. Do you want to know the biggest family issue we had over this?
My Grandma (my dad's mom) made baby quilts for all of her grandchildren when they were born. She couldn't do that for my eldest brother because he wasn't her grandchild when he was born. So she made him a bigger one that would fit his big boy bed. Because that was the size needed for the bed of her grand baby when he became her grand baby.
I'm the youngest of all of her grandchildren, and she has passed on now- I'm the only one who got an heirloom directly from her. The rest was split up in the will, which mostly said if someone wants it they can have it.
The reason I got the heirloom is because I'm the only one of her grandkids that is allergic to most metals so since she had a bracelet from her grandmother that is pure silver and gorgeous, she gave it to me. None of my siblings or cousins have ever made me feel bad about it.
All of this to say, you're NTA and while yeah what you said was poking at a sore spot, you tried to get her to stop before then and you were defending your baby. Go off, momma bear.