'AITA for telling my sister her 'boundary' will destroy her relationship with her nephew?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my sister her 'boundary' will destroy her relationship with her nephew?"
I (30f) recently got married and had a baby. My sister (24) does not like my husband and will not tell me why. When I first brought him home to introduce everyone, she was a bit standoffish but in general she doesn't really like people, very few friends, never brings anyone home to meet the family and has never wanted to spend time with anyone I brought home.
Before my husband and I got married, I asked her if she had any issues with him, she said no and and that he seemed nice. I asked her to be my maid of honor and thought all was well.
Fast forward to last week, my husband goes to drop off something at the family home (sister lives with my parents) and came back looking shaken. I asked him what happened and he said he knocked and went into the kitchen and my sister told him my parents weren't home.
He said he tried to give her the stuff I had asked him to drop off and she told him to put it in the garage (it was food), even though they were in the kitchen. He said as he was picking the stuff back up to go he tried making small talk, commenting about the weather and she snapped at him, saying don't $&@#ing talk to her and stormed out of the room.
My husband has never given me reason to worry about him being inappropriate or anything but that was where my mind first went. We live near them and he had been gone for less than 5 minutes.
I called my sister to ask what happened and she hung up on me, messaged her and she ignored me until this morning when I bombarded her phone with messages because I wanted to resolve whatever was going on.
She finally replied and basically said she hates him, has always hated him and her only boundary is that he never talks to her. In the 7 years we have been together, they've spoken maybe 5 times and that was mostly him greeting her.
I asked her why and she said she doesn't need a reason, she just doesn't like him and doesn't want him around. I asked her point blank if he had done or said something to make her feel like that and she said he didn't do anything and that she doesn't need a reason to feel how she does.
Now my family is very close, my other sibling (brother 29) and I sometimes dropped by unannounced to help my mom cook dinner or just hang out, my parents encourage this as they say they like having us around.
I told her it's going to be weird if he can't even just greet her when we come over. She said she was sick of me having a stranger in her home. I told her I didn't realize she felt that way about him and said I wouldn't ask him to drop stuff without me being around anymore.
(Mind you she's had 7 years to get to know him and I didn't realize she still considered him a stranger). She then said that that was not the point, that she didn't want him talking to her at all and that was the boundary she wanted respected.
I told her that I would tell him and try to keep them apart but that would mean her time with my son, her nephew (6 months) would be affected because my husband will not be comfortable with our son being around someone who hates him (frankly I'm now uncomfortable with it too because I don't know what ideas she will try to put in his head).
It's also going to affect my parents time with him because if my husband can't bring him around it's going to affect the amount of times he goes over there, I didn't tell her but that hurts my heart because they absolutely adore my son, he's their first and only grandchild so far and they love spending time with him, always telling us to bring him over.
She said I was playing the victim, painting her as a b-word and trying to trample the only boundary that she has set for herself. I'm currently thoroughly lost and trying to figure out the best way forward. AITA here and is there any way I can fix this situation?
Edit I never expected so many replies in such a short time, but I appreciate the responses. To clarify a few things and answer some questions:
I've mentioned it to my parents.
They're aware of what happened, my mom said she'll sit my sister down for a conversation but from what I hear my sister keeps making reasons to avoid it (busy, tired, wanting more time etc).
My dad says not to worry about it and it will blow over, my dad had a heart attack recently and is currently recovering so I don't want to push it with them right now and stress him out so I left it at that with him and changed the subject.
My partner is amazing and has never given me reason to worry about him being around any females, I admit I was worried he had done something when he told me how she responded because I can't wrap my brain around why she would blow up over just small talk but she herself said he didn't do anything.
I know my brother has had partners but he hasn't brought any home, I myself didn't bring anyone home until I was serious about them and thought there might be a future (brought home a grand total of 2 guys, current partner and my ex from college).
Regarding her mental health, she has always had a bad temper, has snapped at me many times with no apology even when she realized later she was wrong (e.g accused me of taking her shoes which she had actually just left in the vehicle). There has never been anything on this level before.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
This is very weird. You should speak with your mom and other brother, see if sister has disclosed reasoning, or if she has otherwise been paranoid.
It reads like jealousy to me tbh. Maybe she feels he’s taking her away from the family but if he’s done nothing to her and she won’t give a reason if I were op I’d go low or no contact with the sister.
Family events, baby showers, parties, etc everyone would be invited except for her. You don’t want to talk to my husband and we can’t resolve this? Fine lol you’re on your own. I don’t entertain childishness like this.
This is what I'd do. Invite the family for Thanksgiving and Christmas except for sister since she wants nothing to do with husband. Oh well, it is what she wants.
Can someone make a bot for what a boundary really is. She can make a boundary that she doesn’t have to talk to him or that she will leave when he comes over. But not that he can’t talk to her. And since it’s not her house I don’t think she can make a boundary that he can’t come over either.
A boundary is an action you take, not an action you impose on others. For example, a “healthy” expression of a boundary (healthy in quotes because she needs help) is “if he comes over I will go to my room.” “If he talks to me I will leave and go for a walk.”
Thank you. This isn't a boundary but a control tactic. She is trying to undermine OP's relationship and cast aspersions. Unless there's something OP isn't telling us, NTA. Sister is behaving really weirdly and comes across as bitter and divisive.
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
UPDATE : I'm blown away by the number of responses, I'm trying to read them all but replying to all is a bit difficult due to the volume (I appreciate all the responses though, it gives me perspective).
To clarify, the only reason I consider my husband might have done something is because I'm in healthcare in an environment where all sides of all stories have to be looked at. My first instinct was that she was being out of line for no reason but I always try to look at both sides and was trying to figure out why she said what she did. Both he and her said that he didn't do anything and I'm going with that.
Growing up my brother was the Golden child - dad only wanted a son and kept talking about his son and his legacy (my dad has evolved over the years, he doesn't do that anymore and makes all his children a priority now, my dad when I was 10 is a different man to the one I have now).
And my sister was my mom's favorite, she would always say that to us (I never wanted to be the calm princess my mom wanted, I wanted to make my dad happy and be as boy like as possible and refused to wear the dresses etc she wanted me to--that relationship has also evolved, my mom and I are on much better terms now than when I was a kid).
I was the oddball and my siblings and I weren't really close until everyone was past 14 or 15, then we started finding shared interests etc. My husband was beyond happy to marry into my family, my parents treat him like their own son and he has said many times they feel more like family than his own family, he has 3 brothers but he's the youngest by 10 years and felt left out a lot.
He once told me he was excited to have a sister in law as he has none of his own and isn't close with his brothers so this whole thing has him down and I feel horrible for even considering he had done anything inappropriate when I knew deep down he hadn't, I was just trying to figure out what was going on.
My sister told my dad she will sit down with us to talk about it this afternoon when I get off work so waiting to hear what she says in his presence, will update again after we talk.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's update:
Remind your sister how a boundary works. It is not a rule she imposes on others. It is a response she has herself.
i.e. "He can't talk to me" is not a boundary. However, "if he speaks to me, I'll walk off without responding" is (even if it's a dumb one).
If she wants that boundary, it's her actions that need to change, not his. And you and your husband in no way have to put up with that, you can cut her off for being unreasonable and rude (and probably should), but if she wants a boundary where he doesn't talk to her then it's up to her to change her own behavior.
This was one of my first thoughts, well put. He came over to put things in the kitchen, she chose to remain in the kitchen and blew up at him. If she was uncomfortable she could've left the room. Also, want to add, he left immediately and came to his wife about it, very much puts him in the innocent light. Sis has issues and seems very immature.
So perhaps your dad favouritism for his son and now total enthusiasm about your husband as a son-in-law has something to do with this. I could see your sister being very upset that your father prefers his son, son-in-law and son to the female children that are biologically his. If that’s the case, she’s displacing justifiable anger at your father onto your husband.
Later the same day, the OP again updated.
Update 2 : Spoke with my dad and sister a couple hours ago. Basically my dad asked both of us what happened, I gave my side and she gave her side. My dad asked her if she was sure she had no reason to do that.
She said she had a reason but she didn't want to say. My dad said well that's that we won't force anyone to share anything....she then says ok she'll tell us why. She said when she first met my husband he asked her about a guy. Let's call him Mr L.
She said he asked her how Mr L was doing, then she turns to me and goes, "yeah, I know you read my diary. The guy I had a crush on and wrote all my private thoughts about, the first day your husband met me he asked me and that told me everything I needed to know about him."
I'm still flabbergasted that she would say that because first of all, I didn't know she had a diary and even if I did know I would never have read it. I had a journal once and my cousin read it , teased me mercilessly, I would never wish that upon someone else.
I was surprised at first then I got pissed because I realized she was making stuff up at that point. She met my husband 6 years ago ( we had been dating a year before I introduced him to the family). 2 years ago my sister went abroad for a year (college related).
A friend of mine who started school late and was in the same program as her was on the same trip. I recognized the name as the "hot" professor my friend came back gushing about.
I asked my sister if that was the professor that worked at the university and she went, "yes, you see, is that your confession?" I asked her how my husband asked her 6 years ago about someone she only met 2 years ago.
She stopped talking for a good minute, like her brain was buffering then she snapped at me that I just didn't understand how hard it was for her to keep having a stranger in her home and stormed off.
My son is going to grow up without getting to know the only aunty that he has but I cannot fix a situation that she is making up. Growing up I was not an awesome sibling, there were petty arguments, stupid fights over stuff like the TV remote, what to have for dinner etc but I thought we had a better relationship the last few years.
We were sending each other memes, cracking jokes, took a few trips together, dinners, lunches, she was my maid of honor at my wedding and visited me in the hospital every day I was there (emergency c section with complications, I was there for a week) and checked on me every day post partum for the first couple months.
I'm still hoping this can somehow be fixed but if she's making up lies and unwilling to communicate I don't see what I can do.
Edit : I asked my husband about it, he doesn't remember asking her anything about any guy. He doesn't recognize that name at all.
My husband and sister never dated since so many people are asking. Yes I know for a fact, the areas he went to school and work are far from where we are and the way we were raised we didn't go out much.
Regarding the mental health, I've brought up her anger issues in the past and she doesn't want to try any type of therapy or evaluation. She's a grown woman and as long as she isn't a direct threat to herself or exhibiting violence to others it is completely her choice.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's update:
Please for the love of god, tell her and your parents you, your husband and child will no longer be interacting with her in any way. If she literally lied and just brushed it off now, can you imagine if that lie grows and ends up getting your husband in even bigger trouble? What if the next lie is life altering and your husband has no proof to deny it? Protect your husband.
You mentioned you work in healthcare; I do too, so please understand that this question is only coming from a place of concern: have y'all considered the option that your sister has some kind of mental illness? This is frankly baffling behaviour.
She seems not to have any solid ground, but has elected to just hate your husband; it's also been 7 years with them interacting in major ways (I assume they interacted or were at least in the same space during your C section, your dad's heart attack etc), so he doesn't quite qualify as a stranger anymore imo, and then she's lying and changing her stories when given a place to air her grievances.
I think we might just have to face the fact that... your sister cray cray.