'AITA for Telling My Sister I Don’t Know if I Love Her After Finding Out About Her 5-Year Affair?' + UPDATE
"AITA for Telling My Sister I Don’t Know if I Love Her After Finding Out About Her 5-Year Affair?"
Empty_Chemist992
My sister (32) moved in with me because she got pregnant 5 months ago from what she claimed was a "one-night stand." I love my sister, so of course, I took her in. My husband is overseas for 6 more months, so it was nice to have her around because I care about her very much.
On Monday, I came home and saw my sister and a strange woman in a screaming match on my doorstep. I obviously didn’t know what was happening, but I saw the woman poking my pregnant sister's shoulder, so I intervened.
I sent my sister inside, and she begged me to send the woman away. I didn’t understand what was going on, but I wanted the altercation to end for everyone’s sake, so I told the woman as much.
Then she started screaming, asking me if I was also sleeping with her husband. I was like ????? And then she basically revealed that my sister had been having an affair with her husband for 5 YEARS. FIVE YEARS!
She had everything printed out—chats, photos, emails, receipts. It was disturbing to see, and I didn’t want to go through it all. But a few things were established: My sister knew about his wife. She knew she was the mistress and liked it.
This woman was a stay-at-home mom to their four kids, one of whom has a severe disability from a car accident. Her husband knew about my sister’s pregnancy and even took her on a baby moon to celebrate it.
The affair had been going on the entire time, with my sister believing he would eventually leave his wife for her. My sister had fully embraced the role of being "the other woman" and was emotionally invested in their relationship, despite his repeated lies about leaving his wife.
I told the woman I was very sorry and that I obviously didn’t know, but I asked her to leave because this wasn’t going anywhere, and I didn’t want the neighbors to call the police. She was furious but gave me her number on a post-it, begging me not to let her husband stay at my house. I assured her that no man was stepping foot in my home.
My sister was begging me not to believe the woman, calling her a vindictive ex-wife. I told her, "Alright then, let’s look up the marriage online. Let’s see if a motion for dissolution of marriage was ever submitted."
We fought hard. My sister kept saying I would never understand and that they loved each other, but he just couldn’t leave his wife, blah blah blah. I called her dumb and naive.
The next day, I told her she could stay here because I didn’t want her to become a financial burden on that woman in any way, but I also told her that, right now, I didn’t want to engage with her.
My sister asked me if I still loved her, and I told her honestly, "Right now, I can’t say I do. I will always help my nephew and not endanger you, but I can’t like you because you’ve shown me you’re not a trustworthy person."
I told her I didn’t trust her not to try anything with my husband, and I didn’t trust her with anything at all, so I made her sign a tenant’s agreement. She’s been begging me to forgive her, and I told her there’s nothing to forgive. I just don’t know who she is anymore. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Beautie_Joy
NTA. Your sister's actions were incredibly hurtful and harmful. It's understandable that you need time to process this and decide whether you can rebuild trust with her.
DragonflyGrrl
I've been where that poor wife is. It's the worst feeling in the world. Years later I still wonder how the chick was so naive and careless. We weren't friends but she knew of me, and she believed his lies that we were unhappy and were separating. They ALWAYS believe the lies, and believe they're the special one he will be with forever.
Well, I kicked him out and they lasted a few months before he was calling telling me she was crazy. Surprise surprise.. that's one of the lies he told her about me, and also told me about literally every one of his exes. So yeah, giant shock.
Sorry for the rambling.. OP, you are very much NTA. Your sister is just another sad delusional homewrecker, I'm sorry you have to live with that knowledge now. Keep her away from your husband.
Fiery_Curvy
NTA. You're rightfully upset and your sister's actions have damaged your trust. It's okay to need time and distance to process.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
Empty_Chemist992
First, I'd like to clarify a few things: I am not going to tell my sister to get rid of the baby—that's not my place, and I would never suggest such a thing. Also, I am not going to install tracking software on her phone or demand access to all her devices. That's invasive and wrong.
I've been thinking a lot, and while I can't say that I don't love my sister, it's very hard to feel that love right now. I don't know who she is anymore. It's not just that she lied to me; it's what she did and how convinced she is that she was justified because they were "in love." She's brought chaos into my home that I opened up to her. I'm deeply disappointed in her, and I just don't like her at the moment.
I'm letting her stay with me because I don't want her to become dependent on him. I don't think he's a good man either, and as a social worker, I've seen these scenarios too many times. My sister is already deluded; I don't need to open the door to a dependency that's also financial. Now, onto the update:
I haven't been punishing my sister, but I've been treating her like a roommate. This is driving her crazy. She's begging me to go back to how things were before, but I can't. I told her that I need time and that things can't just return to normal overnight.
She tried to explain how it all happened. She admitted that she always knew he was married but believed she could tell how unhappy he was and felt he deserved to be happy. They met at a bar a few weeks after his son's accident. He told her that his wife hadn't touched him since it happened and that he was "about to explode."
I asked her why she would involve herself with a married man, knowing the hurt it would cause. She said she wanted to be a wife and a good mom, and that included his kids.
She had hoped he would divorce his wife so they could all move on and finally be happy together. I just stared at her, unable to comprehend how she could rationalize her actions.
A few days later, he appeared at our house, claiming he had left his wife and wanted to be with my sister. I told him to leave immediately or I would call the police. My sister was furious with me, accusing me of ruining her chance at happiness.
I made it clear to her: if he comes over again, I will evict her. She's free to date anyone she wants, but not under my roof. I also told her that if she plans to have him around after the baby is born, she'll need to find her own place.
Word has gotten around our community about the affair. While we were grocery shopping, a woman even spat on my sister. Many of her friends have cut ties with her, calling her a homewrecker. Some are married themselves and don't want her near their husbands.
I haven't said "I told you so" even once. We unexpectedly ran into his wife at a local café. My sister wanted to apologize and suggested that maybe they could all have a good relationship for the sake of the kids. The wife laughed coldly and said, "You made your choices; now live with them. Don't expect me to make this easier for you."
My sister is devastated and has been lying in bed ever since. I'm taking care of her physical needs—making sure she eats, stays hydrated, and attends her prenatal appointments—but I can't bring myself to comfort her emotionally. I just don't have it in me right now.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Gem_Angle
You're not the asshole for feeling hurt and setting boundaries. Your sister made her choices, and now she has to face the consequences.
DrunkOnRedCordial
They met at a bar a few weeks after his son's accident. He told her that his wife hadn't touched him since it happened and that he was "about to explode." Wow, what a catch. Any parent will know the trauma of having to go without intimacy after one of your kids has been seriously injured.
Agitated_Pilot_3055
Is your sister mentally sound? She seems to be living in a fantasy world.
NTA. UpdateMe
Empty_Chemist992 (OP)
I don't think she is having a psychotic break. I think she is in too far, and now that she has destroyed her life, she is trying to make it work.
helllfae
She wasn't too far in when she said she wanted to be a good wife and mother to ANOTHER woman's children hoping he would divorce her. This is either complete delusion or narcissism. You should really get her into therapy if she's going to be staying with you, some kind of mental health treatment seriously otherwise her mentality is not going to change and things like this will keep happening.