Woman withdraws financial support for sister after being called 'selfish' for missing baby shower for personal spa day. AITA?
"AITA for telling my sister I won’t help her financially anymore after she called me 'selfish' for not attending her baby shower?"
I (32F) have a younger sister, “Emily” (28F), who’s expecting her first baby. We’ve always had a decent relationship, though we’ve never been super close. Emily has struggled financially for years.
She works part-time and her boyfriend (the baby’s father) is currently unemployed. I have a stable job in tech and have, admittedly, helped her out more than a few times — paying her rent once when she was facing eviction, covering vet bills for her dog, and buying her groceries when things were tight.
None of this has ever been loan-based; I gave her the money without expectations, but I’ll admit that after a while it began to wear on me, especially since she never really said thank you beyond a quick text. It felt… expected.
A few weeks ago, Emily invited me to her baby shower. It’s scheduled for a weekend where I’ll be out of town for a rare, pre-paid solo retreat I booked months ago. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to all year — I don’t get much downtime, and this retreat is one of the few things I do just for myself.
When I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it, she got cold. Then, two days later, I got a long text from her basically saying how “disappointed” she was in me, how I’ve “changed,” and how she “never realized how selfish I could be.” She even said something like, “All I wanted was for you to be there for me on the most important day of my life, but I guess your spa day matters more.”
I was stunned and honestly hurt. I called her and told her, calmly at first, that I didn’t think it was fair to call me selfish when I’ve always been there for her — financially and emotionally — more than anyone else in the family.
She doubled down, saying that “money doesn’t mean love” and that I’m “great at throwing money at people but not showing up when it actually matters.” That’s when I snapped.
I told her if she thinks the support I’ve given her means nothing, then she’s welcome to handle things on her own moving forward. I said I won’t be offering any more financial help — now or in the future. She hung up on me, and we haven’t spoken in a week.
Now my mom is involved, saying I overreacted and that “pregnancy hormones” are making Emily emotional, and I should’ve just apologized and made it up to her. My dad, on the other hand, says it’s about time I set a boundary. I genuinely don’t know if I was too harsh or if this was just the inevitable breaking point. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
"on the most important day of my life"
A freaking baby shower? Emily sure is full of herself. NTA.
It is good that you have finally stopped enabling her dysfunction, because all the support you have given her has made it easier for Emily to keep on having excuses not to get her life together.
You are 100% in the right for all of this. Emily has not empathy or care about you. It is all about her. Pregnancy hormones don't turn people into selfish AHs. Your dad is right. It was long past time you set a boundary.
NTA. Your Dad is right. Emily is being incredibly disrespectful. If she really wanted you there, she needed to make sure you were available prior to scheduling. If someone helped me out financially in such a generous manner, I would be thanking them and trying to make it up to them.
Time to grow up, Emily. Pregnancy hormones are a thing and a vicious one, but that doesn't give a free pass on consequences from being an AH. If it was just hormones she would have called and apologized already.
Nta she's probably just worried she won't get all the gifts from you she wanted or had plans to assign you a bunch of tasks for the shower.
NTA. Good for you for setting the boundary. You don't owe her an apology - tell your Mom that if it's pregnancy hormones and she didn't mean what she said, she's free to apologize to you. And stop bailing her out without a written agreement to pay you back, even if she does apologize.
She has no incentive to stand on her own two feet as long as there are people there she can expect to have give her the money she needs, even if she's spent her own money on what she wants. How is it not selfish to keep asking people to pay for basic essentials at 28? Does she have a job? A SO who is helping her raise this baby? Is she spending her own money wisely?
Why is she turning to you to support her lifestyle, and then being outraged that you won't change your plans for her. She could've scheduled the shower when you would be available. Maybe there are reasons you didn't give, but it's something to consider for your own peace of mind in the future.
You and your dad are NTA. Your mother and Emily, however, are definitely TA. Your sister is a leech who deserves to be cut off. Why? Because she and her loser boyfriend can't afford to support this baby. You just saved yourself from years of demands for money that would never be appreciated.
NTA. The only selfish one is your sister. Flip this around: She is upset at you because you are not moving your schedule around to accommodate her. How does that sound? The only reason she is upset is because she may suspect she's losing her cash cow.
People like this are never going to help themselves, and what you do for them will never be enough. She needs to stand on her own, and you need to close the ATM and let her. Also, tell your mom she's more than welcome to fund your sister, since it's her child.