'AITA for telling my sister it’s her own fault she’s in an unhappy marriage?'
"AITA for telling my sister it’s her own fault she’s in an unhappy marriage?"
For some background, my husband (30M) and I (29F) have been together for 6 years, married for 3. We also have a 2 year old little girl. Now, some background on my husband and I’s relationship.
He’s amazing. We own our house jointly (important for later), he did all the night feeds when our little girl was a baby, he cooks most nights, while I do the dishes. There is no ‘main’ parent, we both take care of and plan stuff for our daughter equally, chores are always split jointly with no issue.
I’ve never once felt overwhelmed by housework, motherhood, or anything of the sort because my husband is so supportive and will pick up the slack if needed, and I for him. All round, we have a very healthy marriage based on love and respect for one another, and I couldn’t be more relieved and grateful for him.
Now, for my sister. My sister (31F) has always had an issue with anything I find joy in/makes me happy, ever since we were kids. If I liked a show, she’d go out of her way to ruin it for me. If I had a favourite toy, she’d find a way to ‘accidentally’ destroy it. Everything I had, she either had to devalue it, or have the same but better. All our lives.
This carried over to my relationship with my husband. When we first started dating, she made snide comments about how he’s ’only being nice to sleep with you’. Then, when our relationship progressed, her comments got worse.
He’s ’not a real man’ because he cooks and does housework. He’s ’not a real man’ because he doesn’t take care of all the bills at home/didn’t buy the house by himself. I’m a ‘terrible wife and mother’ because I don’t act like my husbands mum, and don’t do all the childcare alone.
He’s ’probably cheating on you, or gay’ because in her eyes, no ‘real’ straight man respects their partners apparently. To her, a ‘real man’ is one who disrespects women, refuses to clean up after themselves, refuses to cook/do anything around the house. That’s the wife’s job, according to her. A stereotypical ‘alpha male’.
Well, two years ago she met her now husband, and he’s an alpha male type, a ‘real man’ in her eyes. She still, to this day, thinks she has one up on me because of this. Something she’s ‘won’, and I’ve ‘lost’.
Well, she recently had a baby with him, and as you can probably imagine, she had a major reality check. That same ‘real man’ that she fantasized about is now just another child for her to take care of, on top of a newborn baby.
He doesn’t help her with anything. does no cooking or cleaning, refuses to change nappies or care for the baby alone, refuses to wake up with the baby in the night. A few weeks ago, my husband and I babysat for her while she went to a doctor's appointment.. while her husband SAT AT HOME because he wouldn’t look after the baby on his own.
The house they live in is also in his name only, despite my sister paying the deposit and splitting the bills up until she was due to give birth. Anyway, over the weekend we were at our parents house with our other sibling, our respective partners, and our kids.
We were inside while her husband was watching a football game in the living room with our dad, and my husband was out in the garden playing with our daughter and our brother's children.
My sister, of course, passed a snarky comment about my husband being ‘weird’ for not watching football with the guys, and about me having a glass of wine while ‘someone else’ was taking care of my child for me… ‘someone else’ being her father!!
Then, not even two minutes later, she started complaining about how hard it was being a mum and a wife, and how she’s so tired and can’t go anywhere without her baby anymore because her husband is ‘too scared’ to have her on her own, even for her to take a bath by herself.
Now, here’s where I might be the AH. After the comments about my own husband she had made minutes earlier, I was pissed off. I snapped at her, telling her it’s her own fault that she’s doing this alone.
I told her that she chose to be in a unhappy marriage with a man who brings nothing to the table, whilst simultaneously constantly berating my husband and I for having a fair and equal marriage, and that I have no pity for her situation.
This, of course, ended up in an argument in which my mother said I was ‘mean and cruel’ when I should be offering support to a new mum, and my sister, who’s having a hard time.
Truthfully, I don’t care. I've offered her support, which she’s shut down, looked after her baby when her husband outright refused to, have tried the gentle approach, and her only response has been to put me and my husband down.
So as far as I’m concerned, she wanted these qualities in a husband and father, belittled my husband for having actual good qualities, and now that she's got what she wanted she’s realizing it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. So, AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Your sister sounds like a real C U NxtTuedsay. Also why didn’t your mom chastise her for criticizing you and your husband’s relationship!?
Luxurious_Blueberry (OP)
she can do no wrong in my parents eyes. usually it doesn’t bother me because im happy in life and am secure and overjoyed with my own little family, but that day her comments and then complaining about the same things she chastises me about just made me snap i guess.
ATP no more babysitting, since she doesn’t appreciate the help and the way you parent. Tell her to ask your mom! Put your foot down and stop allowing her to disrespect your marriage and husband!
Luxurious_Blueberry (OP)
yea i don’t think im gonna be offering to help her anymore. and just for clarification, i never allow her to disrespect my husband. i always have and always will firmly shut that down and walk away/leave.
before she had her baby, we only saw her on holidays with the rest of the family, and it’ll probably go back to that now. it only changed because both my husband and i, despite her constant disrespect, wanted to help out a new mum who we knew wouldn’t be getting any support from her husband. but now she’s on her own.
NTA. I don’t see any reason for you to interact with your sister beyond the bare minimum at this point. It’s also not worth reacting to her BS. She definitely wins if she gets a rise out of you.
NTA. You know what it takes to raise a kid. Just sit back and watch her slowly crack. It's not a matter of if it's a matter of when. I'd go LC just because all the disrespect she spouts towards your husband. It's a toxic environment to put a kid around especially when it's directed at their Dad. Id stop babysitting for her also just to speed the process up.