'AITA for telling my sister that her lack of personal hygiene is the real reason no job will hire her?'

"AITA for telling my sister that her lack of personal hygiene is the real reason no job will hire her?"

This concerns my sister “Lily” who is graduating soon. Our parents taught us the importance of personal hygiene and keeping yourself presentable. But I guess Lily fell off the wagon while dorming in college because it feels like she dropped everything to do with personal hygiene since moving back home.

It’s easier to explain with a list of things she isn’t taking care of:

Hair: Very oily/greasy and always tangled from lack of wash and brushing.

Skin: Also very oily/greasy from no wash.

Nails: Never trims so they’re long and yellow from grime.

Clothes: Clothes themselves are nice but she leaves them sloppy/wrinkled.

Body: Showers once a week tops. I’m not sensitive to smell, but my sister REEKS and honestly makes me gag sometimes.

Lily is upset because she says she can’t get an in-person job in her field and wants to give up. Our parents have tried telling her that presentability/hygiene is as important as credentials when getting jobs, but my sister won’t listen. Lily has a rocky relationship with our family so she takes it as a personal attack rather than them trying to help.

Lily is now saying men are all just intimidated by a competent woman and that’s the sole reason why she hasn’t gotten a job. If she wants to lie to herself, it’s her life. Whatever. What I can’t stand is her trying to make it my problem and expect validation from me.

Lily just did a bunch interviews, but all went cold after and none panned out into jobs. She was venting to me last week about how companies in this field are all boys’ clubs and quick to shoot down a woman they know is intellectually above them. I was basically just like good for you, can I please finish my session in peace now?

Lily got defensive and said she’s just warning me. Then doubled down saying most men are selfish and I should save myself the headache now. She was saying this with my male friends on the voice call.

I had enough and told Lily that her lack of personal hygiene is the real reason no job will hire her, so stop blaming others and think for two seconds: If you were a company owner who needs to impress investors to keep your own family afloat, would you want to be represented by someone who smells, or someone who is presentable and takes care of themselves?

We got into an argument and Lily is now either giving me one-word answers or not saying anything to me at all. I’ll be honest that we argue a lot, but Lily normally would have gotten over it by now. Did I do the right thing giving Lola a dose of reality or did I f up here?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

sleepyHedgehog99 said:

NTA, but I would be concerned about why Lily has let herself get to that point. Speaking from experience, keeping up with personal hygiene was really difficult when I was struggling with depression, but I still made an effort to look presentable when I had to go out. I don't know if that's what your sister is going through, but it might be worth looking into.

That said, she also needs to learn how to self-reflect and hold herself accountable, instead of blaming other people for her failures and projecting her personal experiences onto you. You did the right thing by pointing it out to her, hopefully it will serve as a wake-up call.

Proud_Yogurtcloset58 said:

As anyone considered something happened at college and this her coping mechanism? Or is she depressed? In my limited experience, someone with sensory issues around bathing recognizes it and works out a plan or at least acknowledges it. NTA for being blunt. The root cause does need to be found though.

geckotatgirl said:

NTA. If Lily's theory were true, she wouldn't even get the interviews. Obviously, they see her resume with her education and experience and think she might be a good fit. If she's getting in the door but isn't landing any jobs, she needs to realize that she's not passing the sniff test - literally.

Let her know that because she needs backup to the reasons you're all giving her. It could be that she's depressed, as well. If her hygiene was good before and during college and it's only since she got home that she's let it go, it might be worth checking in with her about that or at least telling your parents so that they can address it. Good luck to you and to Lily!