'AITA for telling my sister not to bother coming to my wedding?' 'This is a total double-standard.'
"AITA for telling my sister not to bother coming to my wedding?"
I (24M) excluded my sister (28F) from my wedding but not my other sister (26F) and upset my entire family. I am getting married to a really wonderful man we’ll call Max (26) this summer but my sister will not be in my wedding party. Here’s why:
I have two sisters, Macy and Penny. We grew up close— but with no brothers I felt excluded. My sisters would go on "girls trips" and I wasn’t invited. My father isn’t in the picture, so mostly mom would leave me with grandma. Sisters and brothers are different: Penny and Macy fight, but they always make up.
Penny is a lesbian and as a gay man we’ve bonded more as adults. Overall I love both my sisters even if the relationships are painful. About seven years ago, Macy married her fiance Michael. Penny was her maid of honor and Michael asked me to be a groomsman.
Her wedding party included our female cousin, but also Penny’s partner Joanne (26F). Max and I were together but he was not in the wedding. I barely knew Michael and all his groomsmen were strangers. I told my sister that I would rather support her on her wedding day, but she said that “isn’t the way things are done.”
She was right, but I saw no reason why it needed to be gendered. I should have stood with my family. She was the bride, so I didn’t bother her about it again. I was excluded from everything leading up to the wedding.
I missed the bridal parties, dress selection, and bachelorette activities, not to mention the fact that day I had to leave my house and get ready at her fiancée’s hotel because she didn’t want any men around while she was getting ready.
Two years later Penny married Joanne. Of course Macy was the maid of honor but I also got to be a "bridesman" and was with her every step of the way. Partners were excluded on both sides.
Before the wedding, Macy kept making snide remarks about how I didn’t belong there. There were no “bachelor parties” but I think Macy thought without a groom men shouldn’t be in the wedding. I WAS invited to Penny’s bachelorette party much to Macy’s chagrin.
Now Max and I are marrying and we weren’t going to have a wedding party— but Max insisted because he’s close to his brother Marshall. When I made Penny my maid-of-honor Macy was offended.
When I told her that she was going to stand with Max and Marshall because my best friend Kohl is going to be in it, she was furious! Macy said she needed to be there for her “baby brother’s big day” and felt slighted. I told her that if I had to stand with strangers, she had to. Besides, we needed even numbers.
My mother took her side when she complained and even my grandmother called me spiteful. Angry, I shouted that if Macy had a problem she needn’t come. Should I relent and let her stand with me? I feel like this is a total double-standard because when Macy was married the answer was “it’s her wedding.” Am I the ahole?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
similar_name4489 said:
NTA, but you had me in the first half. She made you stand with strangers instead of with family at the wedding so she’s a hypocrite for being upset that it applies to her. However, to be clear, “I missed the bridal parties, dress selection, and bachelorette activities.”
Is an A opinion as the men in the family are typically not included in those activities - those are usually the brides female relatives/friends. Those are traditionally gendered activities. You may be gay, but you’re a guy.
People can of course have/do what they want to but you’re taking issue over being excluded for activities that male family members/friends are not usually included in where it’s still more unusual/non-traditional when they are.
Euphoric_Travel2541 said:
ESH. You need to grow beyond being petty. Don’t retaliate. You were a teen, and she didn’t include you likely because you were so young. And male, despite being gay. So, get over that, as she did include you in the wedding. There aren’t really “sides”, it’s all about two families joining together. Be kind, and include her if you can.
Usrname52 said:
ESH, though mostly you. Macy was obnoxious with her comments at Penny's events. But you are a walking stereotype of "I'm gay, so no one should do anything with gender norms!" Macy did some "girl stuff" like getting ready. It's fine to be comfortable with only other women when getting ready, clothing shopping, etc.
I think it's fine for wedding parties to be separated by gender. I think it's fine for them to be separated by person they are closest to. She did the former....you didn't do the latter. You put her on your "husband's side" purely out of spite.
SpaceAceCase said:
ESH being a sibling of the bride doesn't mean you should be included in the bridal party events, the bride and groom decide the wedding parties, your sister is wrong for being upset with her placement at your wedding just like you are wrong to be upset about your placement at hers.
That aside did you every talk to your sisters about feeling left out growing up because they always did their own thing? Or as you all have gotten to be adults suggest doing things together with all 3 of you?
CosmicPolaris said:
ESH. You need to let the past go. Your sister got to decide who she wanted at what events and such. That’s not a slight against you. I think you had expectations and expected her to include you in thing and they weren’t met.
That’s on you. Not her. Your sister needs to let the snide comments go. It IS your wedding like it was hers. You both need to respect one another’s decision making. She had you at her wedding. So in my opinion, she should she be at yours.
Old_Inevitable8553 said:
YTA. There are some things that you do with sisters and some things that you do with brothers. It might not always seem fair but that's how it goes sometimes. You're just being salty about the past and are using your wedding to get back at your sister, even if it's on a subconscious level.