'AITA for telling my sister’s boyfriend that she’s married?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my sister’s boyfriend that she’s married?"
So I (F22) have a sister, Star (F27) who has been married to a hobosexual named Paul (M30) for the past three years. Star and Paul have been together for seven years, and Paul has lived at our house for about four years.
My dad has set a meager amount for the rent, but Star and Paul have never paid any. They don’t contribute to any expenses and don’t buy food, they just eat the food everyone else brings home. Star and Paul have never had sex.
Paul is gross, goes for weeks without bathing, is lazy, hates working, and often misses the toilet when he goes number one and number two leaving me or my stepmother to clean it up.
As time has gone on, Star has started to spend more and more time in her room and online. Last year, she graduated from college and started an apprenticeship program.
Once that was over, she applied for a handful of jobs, but would “freeze” during interviews. No one has called her back, and she doesn’t spend much time looking for jobs. When I point out how many are out there she just says, “I can’t do that much right now.”
She doesn’t even drive her hobosexual husband to work anymore, and since he can’t drive, she was having me or my dad do it. Once Paul had pooped in my car I refused to continue to drive him unless he sat on a towel. I am certain he did it on purpose. He refuses to use a towel in my car, so I don’t let him in. He has done quite a few creepy things to me. This will be important later.
Star has a whole fantasy world online. In her online world she has a great job, made up friends, and is the prettiest girl in the room. One of the people Star was lying to online fell in love with her.
They have met in real life and she flies out to another state to see him about three times a month. They are in love and in a physical relationship. As far as I can tell he is a nice normal guy, but he has had no idea that Star has a husband and is unemployed.
One of her make-believe friends is a roommate she calls Belle. Recently, she has started telling my dad that the things Belle does are things I do. For some reason, our dad believes her.
Even though I have never even brought a love interest home, she has him convinced I’m sleeping with every guy I know and bringing men to the house. It’s stupid, and she has even slipped up and called me Belle a few times.
So, the big dance happened a few weeks ago. I noticed that my underwear was going missing. Many of them had vanished before they made it into the washing machine.
One day I opened Star’s door to bring her food and I saw Paul doing ungodly things with a pair of my underwear. I screamed, and everyone was at the door. Paul was crying and saying it was an accident. I was horrified.
My dad wasn’t home, but my stepmom called my dad. Star was saying I was lying about Paul, and then started to bang on the walls and scream about how this was her husband, and I didn’t respect her room, and it was my fault for not knocking.
Then Star said if I didn’t leave she was going to make me sorry. So I did leave. When I came back to get my things she actually was celebrating and ordering pizza for everyone.
Then she told me that she was going to stay with Paul and let the other guy go. She said that Paul was real family and I was not. Here’s where I may have been the AH.
Since she said she was staying with Paul, I went online and sent the other guy a message about how sorry I was that Star was leaving him, and how I thought he was a much better person than Paul. And that she was indeed married. I mean, that was what she said.
Now Star is blowing up my insta and telling everyone that I broke the family apart. My dad thinks I should come home, and that I went to far. I am really happy now that I left. Am I really the AH for letting my married sister’s boyfriend know what she said?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I’m sorry.. HE POOPED IN YOUR CAR?!
Historical_Oil_4466 (OP)
Yes. He said IF he did it was an accident. Then when I asked him to clean it he acted like he didn't hear me. Honestly, my friends have been telling me this is so abnormal for a long time. I've never posted on reddit, but my cousin let me use her account. I hope they don't find out.
OMG the secondhand trauma I got from this story…😳 Hell NO you’re NOT THE A-HOLE!!! 😭 You out here doing the Lord’s work. That online guy knows the truth and can move on now. Or stay in the messed-up situation, that’s his choice. You have done what you can do. I salute you 🫡
Four months later, the OP returned with an update.
I have put my dad on an information diet and I’m not going home again, even for a visit. Most of my family wanted me to apologize to my dad and were actively doing their best to take his side. But with my sister, that was another story.
I didn’t know how many other people in the family were upset with her. While they didn’t want me to lose my relationship with my dad, everyone was glad I was no longer living with him.
For some reason I thought Star and Paul’s bad behavior was only contained within the four corners of our walls. I was wrong. I heard stories about Paul breaking things, letting pets out, and even how he had to be rushed to the hospital because he took a bunch of my great aunt’s high blood pressure medication.
He thought that the pills were for pain because all old people take opioids. During all his antics, Star just blamed whoever was closest, making pretty much everybody angry.
She even told my great aunt it was her fault Paul went to the emergency room for keeping her pills in a daily reminder thing instead of a child proof bottle. Star wanted my great aunt to pay the bill.
A while after my post, my dad called me and was very happy. He told me that my sister needed time and things were hard for her because she was divorcing Paul. Sure, Jan. Again, my dad wanted me to come home, and I said no. It was a hard conversation.
My dad has always been so logical in the past, my rock when things seemed crazy. As we spoke, I realized that he could no longer be that for me anymore. It really hurt. I still love my dad, but the reality was just so disappointing.
Once I got off the phone with my dad I waited until my step mother was at work to call her find out what really happened. It turned out that after I sent my message to my married sister’s boyfriend, he contacted her and asked what was going on.
Star had told her boyfriend that I was Belle (her make believe enemy and evil roommate) and I made the whole story up. My step mother said that she heard some of the crazy things that Star told the boyfriend and it really concerned him. It turned out that he is the one who has been paying for most of her flights, so he asked for a transfer to our city.
That way he could protect her and save money. He surprised her with this news and she freaked out.That is why she informed my dad she was getting a divorce. My sister told this to my step mother and made her promise not to tell my dad what was going on.
My sister also told her boyfriend he could live at my dad’s house, which she said was her house. She said that my dad and my step mother needed her help so she let them live with her, how gracious of her.
Then my sister made Paul move into my room and told my dad Paul had to move in there because of the divorce. But Star has no plans to get divorced, she told her boyfriend that Paul was our brother.
Apparently the job her boyfriend got starts in May. I’m not sure if he is moving before that or not. While I am distancing myself from all of this, I’m also really curious about what will be happening.
The last thing I heard from my sister was a message she sent me. It said, “You have caused me nothing but stress and pain for the last year. Your mental health problems are just too much for me and I cannot have a toxic person like you in my life.
Your drama level is not normal and I cannot live with all your lies. It is sad you feel the need to have so much attention that you can’t be a part of the family. People like you are why family’s break.
Your constant meddling in my business nearly cost me the love of my life. I don’t want any contact with you again.” After I read this I just answered, “Can’t wait until May,” then I blocked her. Haven’t heard anything since. If I do hear about anything I will update.
May came and went, and not much happened. There was a fake facebook account, and someone tried to charge 600 on my card, not to mention a report that I was pregnant from a concerned family member to a place I was trying to get a job at.
I also got a new job and a nice little apartment. My boyfriend proposed to me, and I said yes. I had no contact with my family until last week. My dad called because Star got a job offer and everyone was going out to dinner.
Part of me knew better, but I decided to go. Paul couldn’t go because since I had left Star and Paul were not able to “borrow” my groceries and that costs money. Because they had to pay more for food, Star had Paul give plasma for money.
Paul got C. diff from the plasma center (guess that’s common) so he wasn’t able to join us. I wasn’t mad about that. Star was trying to brag and rub it in my face that she had (finally) started her career.
I don’t have a poker face, so when she said how much she was going to make (about 1000 less than my starting pay) I smiled a big smug one. That irritated her, and she stopped bragging. I asked if the boyfriend was living at home. Dad is a practical guy, so while Star stared death daggers at me he calmly explained that Star could not move boyfriend in until Paul moves out.
So I asked if Paul was moving out, and Star ran off to the bathroom crying. My dad said she was going through a lot and that the plan was for Paul to be out by September.
Her boyfriend wasn’t seeing Star as often, and dad thought that her relationship might be cooling off. My stepmother was just shaking her head. Then she went off on how bad it was living with Paul and how my dad should get him out now.
After going on for a long time she said that Paul had told Star (Star is a big girl) that he wasn’t physically attracted to her because of her weight. Star has been this size forever, so I was surprised that Paul just figured out that he didn’t find her attractive.
Star came back and said she wanted to go home. I didn’t really say anything. It’s hard to see my sister like this. I hope her new job works out, but honestly, I don’t think it will. Nothing much has changed, I didn’t give them my new address, and took an uber home. I didn’t even tell them I’m getting married, and they didn’t notice my ring. It makes me sad.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
What a crazy and toxic family you have. Your stepmother seems to be the sane one in all of this mess. I guess Paul lost interest in Star when he was losing his housing at your father's house. They are so wrapped up in Star's life that you are ignored. Congratulations on your engagement, job, and new life.
Historical_Oil_4466 (OP)
Thanks. My life is so much better now. I have a feeling Paul will never leave and Star will lose the love of her life. She's so dumb sometimes.
Star will absolutely "lose the love of her life", but not because of Paul or anyone else. This new guy will soon realize his entire relationship with her is built on lies. That is not a stable foundation for a good relationship. That is why he will leave her.
Historical_Oil_4466 (OP)
You are right. She got upset with me because she wanted me to contact her boyfriend and tell him I lied. She texted me a script. I said no way, I'd tell him everything, and blocked me again.
I know it makes you sad, but it might not be a bad thing that you don't tell your family you are engaged fir a while. I worry that your sister will make it all about her and who knows how she might sabotage it. Enjoy your engagement and keep your wedding plan locked down tight!!