'AITA for telling someone I would never let myself get as fat as her to make a point?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for telling someone I would never let myself get as fat as her?"

I know how it sounds but hear me out. I (25F) was at a dinner out with a group of 6 girls all around my age. I grew up with and am really close with three of the girls. I didn’t know the other two very well but they were close with my close friends. (They all went to college together).

We were eating at a nice restaurant downtown in a city. Our table was up against a window and a homeless woman approached the window and was obviously on something or mentally ill. She waved at us and was saying something we couldn’t hear over the noise inside. Everyone just looked at each other, giggled, and ignored her.

It was pretty chilly out and she looked cold. I got up and met her outside and handed her a couple of bucks and wished her well. When I got back to the table one of the girls I didn’t know that well, I’ll call her Emily, said “who just lets d#$gs take over their life? I would just never let myself get like that.” I was fuming.

I paused and looked at her. For some backstory, Emily is the heaviest girl in the group. We are all different body types, I am not skinny, she is plus sized. Also, I am a recovering d#$g addict. My brother was also a he#$in addict and experienced homelessness a some point. He passed of an overdose when I was 17.

My family is full of ad#$cts. I continued down that path and add--tion had me in its grips. My friends at the table went to college, I went to rehab and got sober.

I said “yeah exactly, I would never let myself get over 200 pounds, just put the fork down am I right?” Everyone was silent. You could cut the tension with a knife. Emily looked at me clearly upset and explained how she had a thyroid issue and chronic fatigue syndrome and for some people it’s really hard to lose weight.

I said “well maybe that woman has an issue that we don’t know about.” And I left some cash for my food and left. My friends I’m close to texted and said I was out of line and that Emily is super self conscious. I feel bad for going low and hitting were it hurts but I just wanted them to get some perspective. I don’t think I owe Emily an apology before she apologizes. AITAH?

EDIT: Everyone knew about me. We went out a week before and I explained the whole story to explain why I wasn’t drinking.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Late_Smoke wrote:

ESH. You’re entire group sucked the moment you all laughed at an unhoused woman. Emily’s comments were uncalled for, but yours were equally as bad if not worse because you did it solely to spite her.

OP responded:

Myself and another friend weren’t laughing at the woman. I didn’t make the comment solely to spite her. I made it to point out how ignorant and insensitive she was being.

Because I know the “put down the fork” statement that a lot of idiots make is ridiculous. I said it knowing it was ignorant to prove a point. But I get we probably both suck. I had a knee jerk reaction and I should have chose my words more kindly.

jalapeno_cheetos wrote:

INFO: Does she know about your history with substances? I can understand where you’re coming from, but just like how not everyone may know about you and your family’s history with substances, you don’t necessarily know what her history with food has been. You could’ve made your point in a kinder way.

OP responded:

Yes everyone knew. I explained it the last time we went out and I didn’t drink.

CirqueNoirblu wrote:

Uuuhhmmm hmmm. You’re both the AH? I hope your friends enlightened her to your past (even without details). I don’t think you need to apologize unless you WANT this person in your life. Or If she’s apologizes first it might be best to apologize at least for the low blow and maybe make a comment about how you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

SignalAide9820 wrote:

ESH. I totally get it. But you could’ve nicely corrected her by saying “Well we don’t know what people are going through. Having empathy goes a long way” Rather than stooping just as low as her. Going after her body was pretty low. I understand that you were personally triggered. However that does not give you a right to go after someone’s looks.

peppermintmeow wrote:

ESH. I get it. I say ESH because in all honesty, I would be an AH in that moment too. I completely emphasize with where you're coming from. You have every right to be fuming. She made a hateful, hurtful comment and because of your past circumstances, you made a hurtful comment back.

She wasn't trying to hurt your feelings but you were absolutely trying to hurt hers. You lashed out at her and she has no clue how the two are connected. I see your edit that you had explained part of your history to her, but you also mentioned that you don't know her. How can she be expected to know that would trigger you?

Yes, it was s#$tty of her but you really come off as a bigger jerk. If you want an apology, you need to apologize first and explain what set you off. I'm sure she'll be much more willing to meet you halfway there and reconcile if you talk this out and apologize for seemingly coming at her out of left field.

Holiday-Sun6373 wrote:

Her comment was messed up, but going after her weight just made things messier. A little empathy would’ve hit harder without the extra drama.

One day later, OP shared an update.

Yall are TORN. Thank you some for the honesty and some for the kind words. Update: I asked Emily for a coffee this morning to apologize. We met and I started off with saying I was sorry for making it personal and making a comment about her appearance and I would be really hurt if someone did that to me.

Then went in to explain how her comment about add--tion being a choice is really uneducated and offensive. She said “thanks for apologizing, but my dad is an al--holic and he chose al--hol over my mom and I. I would just never do that.”

I tried to explain to her that her dad got to a point where he didn’t have a choice anymore he had a disease. And he probably felt shame everyday for it. And I’m sorry that you didn’t get what you needed as a kid or now. He probably didn’t either and that’s why he found a way to cope, just like I did.

She said she understands now and why she copes with food sometimes. I gave her props because food add#$tion can be so challenging because you can’t just stop eating unlike d#$gs where you don’t even have to be around them. We thanked each other. We shared more stories. We will remain friends and try to connect more. Thanks folks.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

maid_assassin wrote:

Oh brother…I feel for you, I really do. I was raised by an addict and I love him to death but ohhhh brother. You can’t dictate how every addict is. You are projecting and you have projected your experience onto Emily, who has her own experience with addiction via her father’s alcoholism. People, especially children, who are raised in that environment are victims.

You can’t explain it away and you should not try to do so. If you feel offended by her experience with add--tion, own that feeling. I’m sure it hurt a lot and I’m sorry for that. Like I said, I love my father despite how horribly he failed me. And it is 100% a failure. Love and understanding doesn’t cover that up.

Empathy doesn’t take away the disappointment and pain caused by addiction, particularly when you’re a child witnessing the damage it causes. It changes you on a fundamental level and you ought to be more empathetic to that fact for your own sake and your own experiences in your formative years.

Growing up in and around add#$tion is painful. You cannot center yourself in everyone’s experience with it. Rather than ask or educate yourself with Emily’s experience, you lashed out and then carried on with a patronizing conversation victimizing her father. I’m glad things are better now but try not to own the add#$tion experience too much. You aren’t the only one.

60threepio wrote:

Apologizing and then immediately pivoting to invalidating is wild.

StellaSaysSo wrote:

Everyone in this story needs a lesson in empathy.

Lola-the-showgirl wrote:

*So you just don't take any responsibility for your addiction? It's something that happened to you, that you had no control over, and anyone you hurt and any bad thing you did isn't your fault, right?

OP responded:

I do take responsibility. I take responsibility for everything I’ve done and have made amends to everyone I hurt. The cards weren’t in my favor. I was born withdrawing. Born being add#$ted to opiates. Because my mom used while I was in the womb. I grew up watching ad#$tion and thought it was normal.

Once I started using, which yes, was a choice but a lot of people make bad choices when they’re a teenager, I couldn’t control it. It made me forget all of the trauma and avoid my feelings. All of a sudden after using for 2 days in a row, I couldn’t stop. If I did I would go into withdrawal.

Pretty horrific pain. Going through withdraws means no school, no work which I needed the money to survive, and how can someone go through withdrawals on the street. You need a bathroom, electrolytes, support. Often times detox beds are only for people with insurance and only open for three nights. The more you use the more choices get taken away from you.

I made a choice to get sober but it seemed impossible. I luckily had some resources and friends. Some people don’t. Two years later I want to be sober but I still have intrusive thoughts and cravings. D#$gs are chemicals that change your brain. It’s not just willpower. Try putting your phone down for a week and see how often you think about it.