Someecards Logo
ADVERTISING
'AITA for telling my son's birth mom that she's more like a sister?'

'AITA for telling my son's birth mom that she's more like a sister?'

ADVERTISING

"AITA for telling my son's birth mom that she's more like a sister?"

Long_Shape_4713

I adopted my son when he was born. It was an open adoption but the birth mom (Beth) was so greatly ashamed of being a teen mom that she didn't follow up on any contact. Which was fine because I had no intention of involving her too much.

The truth is that Ethan grew up with two dads and three older brothers. We always try to have him spend time with girls. A couple of years ago when Ethan was 9, Beth reached out to see how he was doing.

I think she spent the last nine years being an overachiever so she'd feel worthy of having a relationship with Ethan. Ivy league, married a hedge fund dude, yoga, etc. Ethan is incredibly self aware and intellectual. You cannot BS him, so he and I enjoy a very open relationship. I told him his mom reached out to me and asked about him.

I emphasized that she didn't forget him but she had to go away to work on herself. I asked how'd he feel about talking with her and he said he was open to it. They have a good relationship and spend time together. He's met her husband. It's been a good thing to know his bio family.

Ethan is starting 6th grade and he has to pick an elective class. There has been arguments about what that class will be. Anyways, he told Beth about it and she messed up by getting involved with the matter. She said what's the big deal about his doing yearbook. He should do what he wants to do. It's his class.

I was like you got me messed up. I said girl, you are not his mom. You're more like a sibling and siblings don't get a say in parenting decisions. You take a backseat. You're a seat filler in the life of Ethan. Just don't forget your place.

She didn't say anything and went radio silent. I was the bigger person and reached out. I said I've been raising that kid for 11 years so it was triggering for you to give your two parenting cents.

You need to understand that. He understands that so you should too. I guess she's waiting for ME to apologize for something she did. I will not. Once you do that then everything goes bad.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

Standard-Park

I mean, is she wrong? Your son is in 6th grade, he's 11 years old, why can't he do yearbook if that's what he wants to do? Why should you get to choose his elective class, she's correct, it's HIS class. You sound extremely controlling. YTA.

ubythieves

Yeah, wow, slow your roll OP! My son’s just finished sixth and he chose his electives. I’ve never heard of this so-called ‘veto power.’ He’s a great student so it wouldn’t even occur to me to try to meddle with his choices, if he wants to take an elective that’s a bit more chill he’s entitled to it.

Ohmalley-thealliecat

I picked every single elective my entire academic life with no input from my parents. I knew what I wanted to do and my parents weren’t weird control freaks.

Peony-Pony

"Ethan is starting 6th grade and he has to pick an elective class. There has been arguments about what that class will be. Anyways, he told Beth about it and she messed up by getting involved with the matter. She said what's the big deal about his doing yearbook. He should do what he wants to do. It's his class."

"I was like you got me messed up. I said girl you are not his mom. You're more like a siblings and siblings don't get a say in parenting decisions. You take a backseat. You're a seat filler in the life of Ethan. Just don't forget your place."

Well, your son did involve her by telling her about it and she offered some advice. YTA Your reaction to someone's response to a conversation with your son was over the top and extremely dramatic.

Particular-Try5584

This…The reaction is overtly hostile and inflammatory. He could have easily said “Hey Beth, I know Ethan asked for your opinion, can you send him back to me next time with a “Well… OP has been with you for eleven years, and while I might have opinions I don’t know you well enough really to weigh in”… we’re heading into a time where small decisions matter, as well you’ll know from your own pathways”.

sheramom4

YTA. Beth said nothing wrong. Ethan asked her and she responded. A sibling would do the same as would an aunt, uncle, grandparent etc. And what is wrong with yearbook?

Additionally, going into an open adoption and then stating "I had no intention of involving her much anyway" is not okay. It smacks of ill intentions surrounding the adoption. Also calling his bio mom, who has had a positive impact on his life, a seat filler is only going to end in him not having a relationship with you in the future and choosing her and her family.

AntiqueDrawing5296

YTA. She was asking an honest question and you approached her aggressively and undermined her while you were at it. sounds like there may be some underlying control issues and maybe some insecurities about her involvement in his life…

StripedBadger

You’re right. You are the parent and not Beth. So act like a parent and give Ethan the tools and means to analyse and make his own decisions. YTA. Your son asked for her perspective and opinion, and she gave it.

Her view on things isn’t wrong. What is wrong however, is trying to control your son’s life to the point he can never hear a perspective or opinion that isn’t your own. That’s over-sensitive about the adoption at best and over controlling to the point of being part of a much, much bigger problem at worse - and that’s all on you.

You know what a normal actual dad does? They sit with their son - you know, the one that you said was so smart and couldn’t be BSed - and talk about what he wants and why he feels that way, and why you feel a different choice is important.

You encourage him to get different perspectives and how to analyse the perspectives that everyone has given him rather than take any of them - Beth’s or yours - as gospel. You let him be part of the decisions about his own life.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
© Copyright 2024 Someecards, Inc

ADVERTISING
Featured Content