'AITA for telling my child's stepmother to grow up and stop asking a teenager for support?'
"AITA for telling my child's stepmother to grow up and stop asking a teenager for support?"
ScaredJob9198
I (39F) have two children, Kimmy, (14F) and (9M) and share custody with their father, Dave. Kimmy is starting high school soon and her school sent a list of their extracurriculars.
I want my children to be academically inclined and join clubs to meet people. I told Kimmy to pick some clubs, and as of right now she picked out 10 (which we are definitely going to shorten down).
Kimmy sent a list of clubs to her father so he could help her. He didn't respond and instead, I got a call from Dave's wife, Amy, a little later. Amy asked me if Kimmy was really going to join all of those clubs, and I said not all but probably some of them.
Amy followed by asking if Kimmy could only join one of the clubs on her list, which confused me. I asked why. Amy explained that she has to go to work soon, and she really needs someone to take care of her kids. She was hoping that Kimmy would be able to go to their house straight after school and take care of them.
Amy has 3 kids under 13, and recently had a baby with Dave. Kimmy has ADHD which makes it hard for her to care for her own needs. I already feel extremely uncomfortable leaving her with 4 kids that young unattended.
Amy didn't even mention transportation and how Kimmy would get there. I told her no. This upset Amy. She told me that Kimmy is a part of her family too, and as a family they all need to chip in and according to her, Kimmy should chip in by babysitting.
She ranted on, giving me a sob story as to how she was struggling already with Dave working, how hard it was to be mom to 4 kids who depend on her so much, and how expensive childcare was nowadays.
I told her no, and why I was uncomfortable, to which she just reiterated her story (this happened twice). By this time, I said no 3 times and she was still asking. I thought it was clear that no meant no, not no and ask again later.
I interrupted her and told her no is my final answer and she's honestly pathetic to ask a 14-year-old for support and it sounds she needs to grow up instead of relying on children to pick up her slack.
As you would expect, Amy and Dave are upset at me, which I don't really mind. My only issue is that when I told my sister, she thought I was being cruel which is making me rethink things. AITA?
Edit:
A common question I'm being asked is what custody looks like. My kids go to their father's one week every month and stay with me for the rest. But there are times where they stay at their father's longer than expected (with my permission).
For instance, the kids stayed a couple weeks at their father for the summer. Sometimes they stay an extra few days, but the custody is officially me 3/4 and him 1/4, with me being their primary caregiver.
Edit 2:
A lot of you guys are asking about Amy's kids. The oldest is around my son's age albeit a bit older, and I literally have no idea if their father is helping them or if they have the same father because it's none of my business and those are not at all my kids.
Edit 3:
While I'm very glad a lot you millennials liked The Babysitter Club, can you please stop using it as a reference?
I've read some ridiculous comments on this post, but using fictional 12-year-olds who acted like teenagers as a reason for my child to babysit are one of the most ridiculous ones I've seen. That's like if I used Aladdin to prove why my kids should get a genie.
Edit 4:
Additionally, I don't think struggling moms should be bashed, but they should be treated like humans and need to know when boundaries were crossed.
Dave and I have been co-parenting for a while, so there was a time when I was in Amy's shoes and wondering what I would do with my kiddos. A thought that did not cross my mind was asking a minor to unwillingly drop all of their interests.
There's a difference between setting boundaries and knowing my child can't take on a responsibility and simply wanting to put a struggling mother down just because it was another Tuesday.
Edit 5:
My kids have also been talked to this about, and we're setting firm boundaries with step-mom and dad.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
SinsOfKnowing
How much do you want to bet that 13 is a boy and Amy can’t leave the younger ones with him because he needs to go have fun and do extracurriculars?
OP
I keep seeing this a lot. If I'm being frank, I have no idea on what Amy's kids' ages are, besides the baby (barely). I could give you guesses but I'd probably be a year or two off. I only said under 13, because none of them are teenagers. Her oldest is around my son's age and both of them get along well, so I'd say 9-11. Maybe 12, (though he'd be closer to Kimmy's age)?
Nonetheless, I wouldn't be surprised if this situation would be different if Kimmy was a Cameron and a boy wanting to do sports. It's disturbing how young women are taught to see babysitting/watching kids as a valuable lesson in case they have kids, but not for young men.
CrewelSummer
Dang, too bad she just thought of these things right now when she learned the step-kid wasn't built in free childcare. Maybe if she hadn't assumed that a literal child would function as a free nanny for her, she would have thought of all this over a year ago and realized that it would be a very bad decision to have another kid when things are already so difficult with the 3 she has.
NTA. Amy does need to grow up and start making better long-term decisions so that she doesn't create situations for herself that she can't manage. She's failing to do that currently because she's assuming that someone else will bail her out of her bad decisions so the consequences will be mitigated and she can do what she wants.
ohnosandpeople
NTA. The fact that she wouldn't take no for an answer shows that they had already presumed Kimmy would be their primary child carer before she was even asked. I also noticed no mention of pay- is that due to FaMiLy too? ..Not Kimmy's problem or responsibility- good for you for sticking up for your daughter.
MiskiMoon
NTA. Speak with Dave and make it very VERY clear that your kid won't be babysitting and helping unnecessarily. I don't care if the Stepmom needs help, it's not on the kid to help. You need to keep a close eye on her, she assumed she would have a built in babysitter, she will try and force your daughter to help when she goes over.
11SkiHill
Go back to court and make the judge aware the step parent is trying to force your 14 year old to do unpaid labor. Tell husband NO. Your 14 year old cannot take the responsibility of her stepmother's kids. Hard NO. Tell him you are going to court over it.
Kukka63
NTA, it's absolutely outrageous that they expect a 14 year old to take care of 4 children, what a ridiculous idea. Kimmy is a young person who deserves to enjoy her life, attend clubs and other activities. Step-mum should have not had yet another child if she (and her partner) cannot manage.